Call me naive, dumb, or just plain pompous...I thought the whole "dating-your-best-friend" thing was supposed to be easy! For starters, we have an awkward history to say the least (ask us how we met, I dare you!) and we're pretty to ourselves. Don't want no trouble, don't want no bother. But uh, just how quiet can someone be?
Depends who you're asking but if you're his sister or mother you might just be mute. So far, his 2 year old nephew has made the most headway in the communications department, while the 26-year-old sister is on a steady decline. I've never in my life, met people who come off to be so pretentious! Look, I get it. He's you're only son, and your youngest child. He's your baby brother. I'm the youngest too, of my entire family...I GET IT. But dang, cut a girl a break.
I've never met a mother who didn't want or trust me to be her new best friend/daughter-in-law. I've never met a father who didn't flirt with me (one DID take it too far by grabbing my ass once though)... I've had a few friendly rivalries in the older sister department before, but typically it's because I'm cuter and smarter than them.
My boo's family? Not only is rude to me but I might as well just not even exist. Actually they treat him that way, too. The funny part is that years ago, when I was his girlfriends best friend, his mother was nice enough. These days, she can't even complement my boots directly, she has her son tell me that she's admiring my leopard-print rain boots (of course, I would own those!) His sister? Here's how our last conversation went:
Me- Hi
Her- *blank state, silence* followed by her walking away.
Overall, I'd say that went well...Wouldn't you?
HELPPPP. Apparently they hate everyone. How do I go about making myself the exception to this disaster?!
xoxo
LBM
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Have You Seen This: Adorable Video!
Hi-oh bloggy peeps!
So I'm at work (working hard, or hardly working?) and I stumbled upon MSN's top videos of 2009. Sure, we all saw the kid who got his teeth removed "Is this real life?!" and the late "surprised kitten". Cute, cute, real cute. But this one tops them all!
Granted, I have not attended very many weddings in my life (I can count on both hands and for someone who comes from my size of a family thats not a lot). BUT I can honestly say I've never seen anything quite like this:
I'm sorry to be so cheesy but this video made my day! Seriously, how cute is this couple to start off their life together like this? Not for nothing, but a couple with this much positive energy surrounding them is obviously not only totally crazy for one another but they definitely seem like they'll be in love for years to come!
I just had to share!
xoxo
So I'm at work (working hard, or hardly working?) and I stumbled upon MSN's top videos of 2009. Sure, we all saw the kid who got his teeth removed "Is this real life?!" and the late "surprised kitten". Cute, cute, real cute. But this one tops them all!
Granted, I have not attended very many weddings in my life (I can count on both hands and for someone who comes from my size of a family thats not a lot). BUT I can honestly say I've never seen anything quite like this:
I'm sorry to be so cheesy but this video made my day! Seriously, how cute is this couple to start off their life together like this? Not for nothing, but a couple with this much positive energy surrounding them is obviously not only totally crazy for one another but they definitely seem like they'll be in love for years to come!
I just had to share!
xoxo
Monday, December 7, 2009
In Transit: An Insomniac in the Making
Good morning, fellow bloggers. From where I am writing, it is 3:32am...Approximately 3 hours and 32 minutes later than the time at which I had hoped to fall asleep. My alarm clock is set for 8am tomorrow----there is NO avoiding that. I will have to rise and shine to join to world, sleep deprived or not.
So tonight, in an effort to drain myself significantly, I will inform you of my non-boyfriend. Please do not mistake my using this as an opportunity to "drain myself" as a metaphor for the non-relationship...That's not what I mean. Though, its past 3am at this point, who even KNOWS what I might mean!?
I met one of my very good guy friends a few years ago, for the first time at one of my beauty pageants. I couldn't have been older than 19 at most, which means he was 20. At the time, I was dating my ex (who I believe turned out to be gay-more on that later) and he was dating my ex best friend (who now lives with the gay ex in California). Did I lose you yet? Ok, good. So, in June 2007, I broke up with my gay ex (who I didn't know was gay at the time???) and stopped being friends with the girl, because well she basically chose the wrong side of the coin. She started spending all her time with my ex, even though she was still dating my friend, and sooner rather than later they also broke up.
Once everyone was done breaking hearts, it seemed naturally spiteful that the two of us exes would also band together and retaliate against their blatant display of disrespect towards us. But what started out as a stupid immature crusade for an equally blatant display of disrespect towards our exes, developed into one of the most mature, forgiving, and accepting friendships I could have ever hoped for.
I have seen this boy in his worst moments (ex: puking up bile, heart broken by his many exes) as much as he's seen just how two-dimensional I am (ex: side one-exhausted slob, side two-beauty queen). I can honestly say that he is one of the few people who knows me best. For the last nearly 3 years, we have built on our friendship...Not always a constant in each other's lives, but still always there for one another. Last year, when my father was away, it was him who helped me get to class (on his lunch break), or who would check in with me. When his ex broke up with him last year on Valentine's day, I was the one who I substituted for her that night, and we enjoyed an amazing night together.
I think I knew it then, but I was too petrified to act. What would people think? What if I ruined our friendship? Or worse and even more humiliating- what if he didn't feel the same? Nearly a year later now, have things progressed from friend-zone to the this-is-so-not-what-friends-do zone.
In a way, we've always belonged to each other. I have vowed many of times to hurt anyone who ever hurts him. Now I would rather hurt myself than ever see him hurting. I had proof of this the other night when we had the "what are we" conversation for the second time. My only gripe with my man is that he will not commit given the circumstances. He's scared (understandably so) because of my relocating for college. He's also been nothing but supportive about the entire situation and wants nothing but my happiness. I know he doesn't want me to go, and if I didn't know I would resent myself and him in the long run for not going, I'd put it off too.
But I could see it in his eyes the other night when we were talking about what we would do, in the near future, given that our feelings for each other are clearly not temporary...It hurt me to watch him hurt like that. It hurts me that he doesn't believe in this the way that I do, or that he's too bent out of shape to even try. Every time his heart was broken, I was there to pick up the pieces. I understand that it's a scary transition to make. But calling me your girlfriend, isn't going to make it hurt any more when I leave...The pain will be the same, no matter what it is he chooses to call me. In fact, I would think it would hurt even more, if he chose not to label this, and I was free to walk away from him at any given time- no explanation required. I would never, but technically, I could.
So what does one do, what does one do?
I'm hanging on with all I've got.
So tonight, in an effort to drain myself significantly, I will inform you of my non-boyfriend. Please do not mistake my using this as an opportunity to "drain myself" as a metaphor for the non-relationship...That's not what I mean. Though, its past 3am at this point, who even KNOWS what I might mean!?
I met one of my very good guy friends a few years ago, for the first time at one of my beauty pageants. I couldn't have been older than 19 at most, which means he was 20. At the time, I was dating my ex (who I believe turned out to be gay-more on that later) and he was dating my ex best friend (who now lives with the gay ex in California). Did I lose you yet? Ok, good. So, in June 2007, I broke up with my gay ex (who I didn't know was gay at the time???) and stopped being friends with the girl, because well she basically chose the wrong side of the coin. She started spending all her time with my ex, even though she was still dating my friend, and sooner rather than later they also broke up.
Once everyone was done breaking hearts, it seemed naturally spiteful that the two of us exes would also band together and retaliate against their blatant display of disrespect towards us. But what started out as a stupid immature crusade for an equally blatant display of disrespect towards our exes, developed into one of the most mature, forgiving, and accepting friendships I could have ever hoped for.
I have seen this boy in his worst moments (ex: puking up bile, heart broken by his many exes) as much as he's seen just how two-dimensional I am (ex: side one-exhausted slob, side two-beauty queen). I can honestly say that he is one of the few people who knows me best. For the last nearly 3 years, we have built on our friendship...Not always a constant in each other's lives, but still always there for one another. Last year, when my father was away, it was him who helped me get to class (on his lunch break), or who would check in with me. When his ex broke up with him last year on Valentine's day, I was the one who I substituted for her that night, and we enjoyed an amazing night together.
I think I knew it then, but I was too petrified to act. What would people think? What if I ruined our friendship? Or worse and even more humiliating- what if he didn't feel the same? Nearly a year later now, have things progressed from friend-zone to the this-is-so-not-what-friends-do zone.
In a way, we've always belonged to each other. I have vowed many of times to hurt anyone who ever hurts him. Now I would rather hurt myself than ever see him hurting. I had proof of this the other night when we had the "what are we" conversation for the second time. My only gripe with my man is that he will not commit given the circumstances. He's scared (understandably so) because of my relocating for college. He's also been nothing but supportive about the entire situation and wants nothing but my happiness. I know he doesn't want me to go, and if I didn't know I would resent myself and him in the long run for not going, I'd put it off too.
But I could see it in his eyes the other night when we were talking about what we would do, in the near future, given that our feelings for each other are clearly not temporary...It hurt me to watch him hurt like that. It hurts me that he doesn't believe in this the way that I do, or that he's too bent out of shape to even try. Every time his heart was broken, I was there to pick up the pieces. I understand that it's a scary transition to make. But calling me your girlfriend, isn't going to make it hurt any more when I leave...The pain will be the same, no matter what it is he chooses to call me. In fact, I would think it would hurt even more, if he chose not to label this, and I was free to walk away from him at any given time- no explanation required. I would never, but technically, I could.
So what does one do, what does one do?
I'm hanging on with all I've got.
Friday, December 4, 2009
In Transit: Wasted
So if you follow my sister Roxane's blog at all (I believe most of you do, and if you don't you should---she's infinitely funnier than I am) you know that we are extremely supseptible to alcoholism in this family. We like our wine classy (read: boxed), and our liquor strong (girl bartenders make weak drinks). So after having given up sex for the last 14, nearly 15 months I've decided I'm going to give being sober a fighting chance.
Why?! Why at the hardest point in my life, would I choose to stop doing the one thing that takes off the edge of the everyday stress of two jobs, a failing love life, and my insane family. Why put myself through that? Because I'm sick of avoiding it. Because I don't want to come home to my box of wine because "I've had a rough day anymore". And quite frankly, because I'm getting fat and this crap-ola is getting expensive! I don't want to drink because I'm sad, mad, upset, or stressed which recently, is all I know how to feel. And the most important reason? I don't want to get into the dark, dismal pattern of drinking alone. Unless I find a way to schedule my classes in a fashion that I can commute, the reality is that I'm going to be living by myself. I don't want to be drinking by myself- because happy, sad, stressed, or just bored- that's called alcoholism.
So I'm putting down the drink. I'm staying abstinent (from sex and drinking) for now. And I feel better about myself than I have in a long time, despite my life being a mess. I'm realizing that (as egocentric as this may sound) It's not me---it's "them". I'm not the one causing all the b/s in my life- its school, its him, its work its my crazy mom. The only mess I've created on my own lately is my bedroom, which is suffering from the "Plague of Clean Clothes Not Yet Put Away".
I'm taking control of my life, whether "they" like it or not.
I'm going to do something great...Sober AND abstinent. And I'm going to prove that a good girl gone bad, is NOT in fact, gone forever.
xoxox
LBM
Why?! Why at the hardest point in my life, would I choose to stop doing the one thing that takes off the edge of the everyday stress of two jobs, a failing love life, and my insane family. Why put myself through that? Because I'm sick of avoiding it. Because I don't want to come home to my box of wine because "I've had a rough day anymore". And quite frankly, because I'm getting fat and this crap-ola is getting expensive! I don't want to drink because I'm sad, mad, upset, or stressed which recently, is all I know how to feel. And the most important reason? I don't want to get into the dark, dismal pattern of drinking alone. Unless I find a way to schedule my classes in a fashion that I can commute, the reality is that I'm going to be living by myself. I don't want to be drinking by myself- because happy, sad, stressed, or just bored- that's called alcoholism.
So I'm putting down the drink. I'm staying abstinent (from sex and drinking) for now. And I feel better about myself than I have in a long time, despite my life being a mess. I'm realizing that (as egocentric as this may sound) It's not me---it's "them". I'm not the one causing all the b/s in my life- its school, its him, its work its my crazy mom. The only mess I've created on my own lately is my bedroom, which is suffering from the "Plague of Clean Clothes Not Yet Put Away".
I'm taking control of my life, whether "they" like it or not.
I'm going to do something great...Sober AND abstinent. And I'm going to prove that a good girl gone bad, is NOT in fact, gone forever.
xoxox
LBM
Sunday, November 22, 2009
New Job!
So I had a very exciting weekend! On Friday my girl Alison, who is currently interning at a great sample sale company kept hounding me for a resume to send to her superior. Took me a few hours to find it and send it to her, but by 8:00 that night I had an email from her manager asking me if I could please come in and work tomorrow! I had originally taken off to work for my mom and dad (and by work I mean sit home and watch the dog so he doesn't wreck avoc on the house) so I called up Daddy and got the green light from him.
I also decided that because I had already bought the tickets on Fandango that NOTHING was going to keep me from a night with Taylor Lautner and my beautiful Robert Pattinson <3 The movie didn't end till 12. I rushed home after to find something to wear (dresscode: all black. shocking!) for the next day. Well, 5AM came quickly enough. I jumped out of bed, showered, blew out my hair, got dressed, and hiked the mile to my bus stop. I made the 6:58 AM NYC bound bus. A few stops down, a girl who I used to work with at the hair salon, Emily got on. I love love love Emily, she's an absolute sweetheart, and turns out the new salon she's working at is also in SOHO. We got to the city super-early (8:30, I didn't have to be there till 9:30) so we took our time, got Starbucks, took the train downtown, and she helped me find my loft.
No one got there till about 9:30 on the dot, which was fine by me. Soho is absolutely beautiful, and it's not the kind of area where you have to constantly look over your shoulder. It is, unfortunately the kind of neighborhood where you'll pay $1.50 for a CAN of diet coke and $6.95 for a smoothie :( Eventually, I met my co-worker Nicole (in charge of marketing) and we went up to the loft. When we got there, I was slightly overwhelmed. I didn't know the designers (Mara Hoffman, Isabella Fiore, and Sarah Pacini) all that well,and I don't like selling something that I don't know. The merchandise was absolutely beautiful though, so I figured I'd just wing it! They taught me how to use the P.O.S, and what the job entailed. I thought this was going to be easy.
Now I know why everyone hates working in retail. You're basically chasing people around all day, hoping that they remember your name when they get up to the register so you can get credit for the sale. Other salespeople are straight up grimey and will steal your sales without the bat of an eye! Others will waste 3 hours of your time just chatting you up, and only purchase $550 worth of merchandise, when they started with over $1,000 at checkout. That was how I learned not to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I worked from 9:30am to 6:30pm, and got a half hour break around 4:15pm. By 6:30pm I felt so tired I thought for sure I would collaspe. But the thing is, when they tallied up my sales at the end of the day, it was so worth it (even though I don't get commission).
It was worth it, so that at the end of the day I could laugh with the same people who had felt exactly what I had felt that day. No one treated me as if I was their subordinate, they merely guided me in the direction they needed me to be. It was nice not having to be in charge for once, and letting others take on the more strenuous duties. My job was to make friends with the clients, pick their brains, choose their looks, and get them to buy them...If nothing else, my numbers speak for themselves: I am a dang good sales girl.
I was too tired to take the hike back to Jersey, so I stayed in Long Island. Overall, a very exciting, very rewarding experience. Hope that all goes well and that I'll be working with them again...Because that would mean that things are finally falling into place.
xoxo
LBM
I also decided that because I had already bought the tickets on Fandango that NOTHING was going to keep me from a night with Taylor Lautner and my beautiful Robert Pattinson <3 The movie didn't end till 12. I rushed home after to find something to wear (dresscode: all black. shocking!) for the next day. Well, 5AM came quickly enough. I jumped out of bed, showered, blew out my hair, got dressed, and hiked the mile to my bus stop. I made the 6:58 AM NYC bound bus. A few stops down, a girl who I used to work with at the hair salon, Emily got on. I love love love Emily, she's an absolute sweetheart, and turns out the new salon she's working at is also in SOHO. We got to the city super-early (8:30, I didn't have to be there till 9:30) so we took our time, got Starbucks, took the train downtown, and she helped me find my loft.
No one got there till about 9:30 on the dot, which was fine by me. Soho is absolutely beautiful, and it's not the kind of area where you have to constantly look over your shoulder. It is, unfortunately the kind of neighborhood where you'll pay $1.50 for a CAN of diet coke and $6.95 for a smoothie :( Eventually, I met my co-worker Nicole (in charge of marketing) and we went up to the loft. When we got there, I was slightly overwhelmed. I didn't know the designers (Mara Hoffman, Isabella Fiore, and Sarah Pacini) all that well,and I don't like selling something that I don't know. The merchandise was absolutely beautiful though, so I figured I'd just wing it! They taught me how to use the P.O.S, and what the job entailed. I thought this was going to be easy.
Now I know why everyone hates working in retail. You're basically chasing people around all day, hoping that they remember your name when they get up to the register so you can get credit for the sale. Other salespeople are straight up grimey and will steal your sales without the bat of an eye! Others will waste 3 hours of your time just chatting you up, and only purchase $550 worth of merchandise, when they started with over $1,000 at checkout. That was how I learned not to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I worked from 9:30am to 6:30pm, and got a half hour break around 4:15pm. By 6:30pm I felt so tired I thought for sure I would collaspe. But the thing is, when they tallied up my sales at the end of the day, it was so worth it (even though I don't get commission).
It was worth it, so that at the end of the day I could laugh with the same people who had felt exactly what I had felt that day. No one treated me as if I was their subordinate, they merely guided me in the direction they needed me to be. It was nice not having to be in charge for once, and letting others take on the more strenuous duties. My job was to make friends with the clients, pick their brains, choose their looks, and get them to buy them...If nothing else, my numbers speak for themselves: I am a dang good sales girl.
I was too tired to take the hike back to Jersey, so I stayed in Long Island. Overall, a very exciting, very rewarding experience. Hope that all goes well and that I'll be working with them again...Because that would mean that things are finally falling into place.
xoxo
LBM
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Running on E
So here's a little-known fact about me. Most people would probably say that they view me as confrontational because I am outspoken, loud, and opinionated. The truth is that I only act that way when the outcome is truly unimportant. For example- if we were to debate politics- we can argue both sides until we're blue in the face- but it doesn't change the country. The truth about me is that I'm actually very non confrontational when it comes to real-life issues-I'd much rather run far far away.
Part of me is guiltily willing to admit that that is part of why I am moving to New York. I need a change of scenery, I need to start fresh. But what I really mean to say is "I need to be ABH (anywhere but here)." New York just happens to be where my chosen school is, a city that I love, and close enough to home that I can come running back if I please.
See it's simple- when things aren't going my way, when things have gone so far off course from where they should be, it's so much easier to escape and start over than it is to tirelessly work as fixing a problem. I mean really, who works at solving things now anyway? The only thing that matters is the outcome. What we experience during our trials and tribulations is no where near as important as the person that these things transform us into. We will forget the hurdles we jumped, but we will always remember the medals we won (or didn't win).
I'm moving to New York out of fear. Out of fear of what will happen to me if I stay here. Out of fear of not having followed my dreams, of turning into my mother. Of never meeting the right person, or worse, staying with the right person for all the wrong reasons. I'm moving to New York to escape the somber reality of my life: I am an out-of-status immigrant, who is working at a dead-end job, and has exhausted all of her opportunities for growth in the town where she grew up. I am moving of New York because I'm sick of living my life in neutral, and accepting mediocrity as a means of payment for the price that is my livelihood.
It's so desperate that it's pathetic. It's so desperate that no one dares to try to stop me for fear of what I might do if I'm trapped here any longer.
It's going to hurt to leave. But I'll hurt even more if I stay. Everything I know about this place is no longer. There is no doting mother, no loving father, there are no more friends that I grew up with. There is my sister, and my aging jack Russell. There are faces of boys that whose gazes I'd rather not meet, and stares from girls I used to be friends with. There is nothing left here.
I'm running on empty.
Part of me is guiltily willing to admit that that is part of why I am moving to New York. I need a change of scenery, I need to start fresh. But what I really mean to say is "I need to be ABH (anywhere but here)." New York just happens to be where my chosen school is, a city that I love, and close enough to home that I can come running back if I please.
See it's simple- when things aren't going my way, when things have gone so far off course from where they should be, it's so much easier to escape and start over than it is to tirelessly work as fixing a problem. I mean really, who works at solving things now anyway? The only thing that matters is the outcome. What we experience during our trials and tribulations is no where near as important as the person that these things transform us into. We will forget the hurdles we jumped, but we will always remember the medals we won (or didn't win).
I'm moving to New York out of fear. Out of fear of what will happen to me if I stay here. Out of fear of not having followed my dreams, of turning into my mother. Of never meeting the right person, or worse, staying with the right person for all the wrong reasons. I'm moving to New York to escape the somber reality of my life: I am an out-of-status immigrant, who is working at a dead-end job, and has exhausted all of her opportunities for growth in the town where she grew up. I am moving of New York because I'm sick of living my life in neutral, and accepting mediocrity as a means of payment for the price that is my livelihood.
It's so desperate that it's pathetic. It's so desperate that no one dares to try to stop me for fear of what I might do if I'm trapped here any longer.
It's going to hurt to leave. But I'll hurt even more if I stay. Everything I know about this place is no longer. There is no doting mother, no loving father, there are no more friends that I grew up with. There is my sister, and my aging jack Russell. There are faces of boys that whose gazes I'd rather not meet, and stares from girls I used to be friends with. There is nothing left here.
I'm running on empty.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
In Transit: Poor Immigrant in Search of $$$!
I blame my father for my ability to dream big and the mind that makes me believe that the unthinkable is achievable. I blame him even more for the courage to make me go through with my crazy plans... That's right- I blame him for encouraging me to be a dreamer, a self thinker, and an over achiever.
When I was 18 I thought by now I'd be living with my then-boyfriend in southern california. I'd be doing hair at some high end salon and her be finishing up at some big state university. Wed be married and I would be 3 years closer to my citizenship. It was fool proof: he loved me, I loved him, and who doesn't want to live in southern california?
Secretly, I didn't. I wanted to go to fashion school, right here at home. Where my friends and family live, where we have seasons, and where I don't have to slow my speech pattern to fit in. So I called off all plans by breaking up with him. I knew from day 1 that our coastal differences would eventually cause a rift between us... Plus, he kissed a boy and for that I never forgave him.
So I set out to reach my own goals, and make my own dreams come true. Just me, my GPA, and my full time job. This leads us to present day where I am KICKING myself for not marrying for citizenship.
In a few short months, ill be off to chase my big city dreams with only a few thousand dollars (probably not enough to cover my tuition in full) and an Associates degree. I'm proud of myself for taking the ethical road- if I'm going to make it here its going to be because I did it for me, not because it was handed to me. But I'm petrified! You have to live under a rock not to know how much it costs to live (even in one of the lesser boos) of new york. Add a little over $6000 in tuition alone, plus $550 in rent monthly add the costs of books, food, and the financial aid that I won't receive (despite the fact that I'm basically poor and have stellar grades) and I am in some MAJOR trouble. Short of selling my old non Christian soul on ebay and becoming a stripper I don't know how I'm going to afford this. I could give up food- but school won't do me any good if I'm dead from malnutrition.
I'll take any suggestions you've got...
When I was 18 I thought by now I'd be living with my then-boyfriend in southern california. I'd be doing hair at some high end salon and her be finishing up at some big state university. Wed be married and I would be 3 years closer to my citizenship. It was fool proof: he loved me, I loved him, and who doesn't want to live in southern california?
Secretly, I didn't. I wanted to go to fashion school, right here at home. Where my friends and family live, where we have seasons, and where I don't have to slow my speech pattern to fit in. So I called off all plans by breaking up with him. I knew from day 1 that our coastal differences would eventually cause a rift between us... Plus, he kissed a boy and for that I never forgave him.
So I set out to reach my own goals, and make my own dreams come true. Just me, my GPA, and my full time job. This leads us to present day where I am KICKING myself for not marrying for citizenship.
In a few short months, ill be off to chase my big city dreams with only a few thousand dollars (probably not enough to cover my tuition in full) and an Associates degree. I'm proud of myself for taking the ethical road- if I'm going to make it here its going to be because I did it for me, not because it was handed to me. But I'm petrified! You have to live under a rock not to know how much it costs to live (even in one of the lesser boos) of new york. Add a little over $6000 in tuition alone, plus $550 in rent monthly add the costs of books, food, and the financial aid that I won't receive (despite the fact that I'm basically poor and have stellar grades) and I am in some MAJOR trouble. Short of selling my old non Christian soul on ebay and becoming a stripper I don't know how I'm going to afford this. I could give up food- but school won't do me any good if I'm dead from malnutrition.
I'll take any suggestions you've got...
LateLY
Hi!
So I've been doing a lot of traveling around between NY and NJ lately, which leaves me a lot of time to 1) get frustrated and 2) write. I've been writing *typing?* on my phone so I have to email the posts and post them because I have yet to download a new blogging app for my blackberry (any suggestions?).
That being said, I'm going to follow this post with a few that I've written in the past week or so. Enjoy :)
xoxo
Laurence
So I've been doing a lot of traveling around between NY and NJ lately, which leaves me a lot of time to 1) get frustrated and 2) write. I've been writing *typing?* on my phone so I have to email the posts and post them because I have yet to download a new blogging app for my blackberry (any suggestions?).
That being said, I'm going to follow this post with a few that I've written in the past week or so. Enjoy :)
xoxo
Laurence
In Transit: Nov 2nd
Lately I've been hard on myself. Its hard to keep a positive perspective when you feel like its you against the world.
So tonight I decided to write something a little more positive! Coming back to new jersey after a weekend of fun in NY is not my idea of a good time. First, it makes me sad to leave my friends and the one place I want to be. It also makes for a lot of alone time and not much to do except listen to music text and sometimes write...
Tonight after experiencing my fleeting moments of sadness I reflected on the scenes that I remember from the bar last night. The crazy stories my friends tell me... Their encounters with frat brothers, one night stands... They're living the college dream-3 college girls with not enough time in the world for all the boys who want them.
I never went away to college- but I've made my share of mistakes. Let's just say the walk of shame isn't easy to witness when he's sneaking out of your actual bedroom and out your front door! Pray the neighbors didn't see him!
With these experiences came the usual feelings and thoughts to accompany casual sex- "Am I a slut?" Or "is the whole town going to hear about this." Or even worse "WHY am I late?" So about a year ago I came up with the solution to ending this vicious cycle of nagging thoughts and questions: CELIBACY.
I'm happy (and proud) to share that I've now been celibate for approximately 13 months. Kissing is about as far as it goes with me- no matter how much I like you, or how much I've had to drink. My life without sex (or a boyfriend even) is so much more focused, and so much less dramatic. I've learned to stand on my own two feet and to rely on my instinct and God's plan for guidance- not some boy who barely knows where he's even headed. I have stronger faith, stronger friendships, more self respect, and higher self esteem. Being celibate made me a better me!
It does slightly complicate trying to be in any relationship... Guys of course, want a girl who puts out eventually, if not pretty immediately. But I hold on to my convictions and I'm holding out till I find a guy who accepts me for me. A guy who accepts a better me than the me's of yesteryear.
So tonight I decided to write something a little more positive! Coming back to new jersey after a weekend of fun in NY is not my idea of a good time. First, it makes me sad to leave my friends and the one place I want to be. It also makes for a lot of alone time and not much to do except listen to music text and sometimes write...
Tonight after experiencing my fleeting moments of sadness I reflected on the scenes that I remember from the bar last night. The crazy stories my friends tell me... Their encounters with frat brothers, one night stands... They're living the college dream-3 college girls with not enough time in the world for all the boys who want them.
I never went away to college- but I've made my share of mistakes. Let's just say the walk of shame isn't easy to witness when he's sneaking out of your actual bedroom and out your front door! Pray the neighbors didn't see him!
With these experiences came the usual feelings and thoughts to accompany casual sex- "Am I a slut?" Or "is the whole town going to hear about this." Or even worse "WHY am I late?" So about a year ago I came up with the solution to ending this vicious cycle of nagging thoughts and questions: CELIBACY.
I'm happy (and proud) to share that I've now been celibate for approximately 13 months. Kissing is about as far as it goes with me- no matter how much I like you, or how much I've had to drink. My life without sex (or a boyfriend even) is so much more focused, and so much less dramatic. I've learned to stand on my own two feet and to rely on my instinct and God's plan for guidance- not some boy who barely knows where he's even headed. I have stronger faith, stronger friendships, more self respect, and higher self esteem. Being celibate made me a better me!
It does slightly complicate trying to be in any relationship... Guys of course, want a girl who puts out eventually, if not pretty immediately. But I hold on to my convictions and I'm holding out till I find a guy who accepts me for me. A guy who accepts a better me than the me's of yesteryear.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Confession by Ben Stein
The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning
Commentary.
My confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees.... I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too... But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'
In light of events like ... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Are you laughing yet?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.
My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein
Commentary.
My confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees.... I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too... But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'
In light of events like ... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Are you laughing yet?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.
My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Due for a miracle
Hi bloggey loves!
Long time no postey and for that I do apologize! However, I do want to keep you all posted... The best way to know what's going on in my life is to follow my Twitter @laurencemasson. And there you have it, my blog cover is blown! You all know my real first and last name! Oh well... I kept up the façade for long enough!
So here's the low-down on Blake lately:
-The boss man is running me ragged with 55 hour work weeks and basically babysitting me to make sure I'm doing everything I should be doing. She also cut my pay back to what is was before she gave me a pathetic 50 cent raise. She also got mad when I told her I'm no longer cleaning for her if she intends to screw me on pay. Boss man wasn't happy. Too bad for bossman!
-A client of mine that I met a few weeks ago offered me some freelance writing work. She wanted me to script her a 5 minute speech about herself and her achievements as a realtor. I wrote it, she loved it. My professor told me to charge her $25 for it (I'm a student, not a pro) and she generously gave me $100. She continued saying that my work was much more valuable to her than a spray tan and that she APPRECIATED all the work I did for her and my perserverance as a professional. SCORE! It was so validating for me to read that about myself.
-September 30th marked the 8th anniversary of my grandfathers passing from Alzheimers. I had a surprisingly good day, and this year instead of being sad I decided I would live it up and make him proud by going to work and being ME. I think it worked. I felt so much better.
-I received a letter from my current college giving me the green light for december completion of my Associates.
-School is amazing, I'm enjoying my classes even the dreaded math.
-Ive been getting caught up on my Bible readings. I forgot how much it soothes me late at night. The more I read the better it gets. I'm currently at Exodus 5:22...the story of Moses. I need this in my life... I don't know how or why I ever put it on the backburner but that's really not an option anymore.
-Roxane is taking me to see a psychic tomorrow... Hypocritical much???^^^see above^^^
-I ordered my halloweenie costume and it's a surpriseeeee
And finally
I have begun the employment/roomate/apartment hunting process for the NYC metro area. If you know anyone, please hit a girl up!
How are my blog peepz doing??!
Xoxox
LBM
Long time no postey and for that I do apologize! However, I do want to keep you all posted... The best way to know what's going on in my life is to follow my Twitter @laurencemasson. And there you have it, my blog cover is blown! You all know my real first and last name! Oh well... I kept up the façade for long enough!
So here's the low-down on Blake lately:
-The boss man is running me ragged with 55 hour work weeks and basically babysitting me to make sure I'm doing everything I should be doing. She also cut my pay back to what is was before she gave me a pathetic 50 cent raise. She also got mad when I told her I'm no longer cleaning for her if she intends to screw me on pay. Boss man wasn't happy. Too bad for bossman!
-A client of mine that I met a few weeks ago offered me some freelance writing work. She wanted me to script her a 5 minute speech about herself and her achievements as a realtor. I wrote it, she loved it. My professor told me to charge her $25 for it (I'm a student, not a pro) and she generously gave me $100. She continued saying that my work was much more valuable to her than a spray tan and that she APPRECIATED all the work I did for her and my perserverance as a professional. SCORE! It was so validating for me to read that about myself.
-September 30th marked the 8th anniversary of my grandfathers passing from Alzheimers. I had a surprisingly good day, and this year instead of being sad I decided I would live it up and make him proud by going to work and being ME. I think it worked. I felt so much better.
-I received a letter from my current college giving me the green light for december completion of my Associates.
-School is amazing, I'm enjoying my classes even the dreaded math.
-Ive been getting caught up on my Bible readings. I forgot how much it soothes me late at night. The more I read the better it gets. I'm currently at Exodus 5:22...the story of Moses. I need this in my life... I don't know how or why I ever put it on the backburner but that's really not an option anymore.
-Roxane is taking me to see a psychic tomorrow... Hypocritical much???^^^see above^^^
-I ordered my halloweenie costume and it's a surpriseeeee
And finally
I have begun the employment/roomate/apartment hunting process for the NYC metro area. If you know anyone, please hit a girl up!
How are my blog peepz doing??!
Xoxox
LBM
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Concrete Jungle Where Dreams are Made of
"But I never share my thoughts,
This is all a ni**a knows.
And every time I try, it opens up my eyes.
These verses are a chance to be remembered and reprised.
And I would be performing just as long as Im alive.
So every word I utter will be mine."
I'm in a 'New York state of mind'. I can't wait to leave this place...
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a hip hop, R&B, and pop music junkie. If it's on top 20 or listed as an up and coming hip hop song, I've probably heard of it. It's so weird to be a little white girl, who grew up in the suburbs, but who can relate so well to the music. I guess that's the idea of being any kind of recording artist- to reach an audience. The idea of being a stellar recording artist is to reach people that you would deem untouchable.
Anyway. The quote I posted above is from Drake's song titled "Fear". Drake is actually one of the actors from Degrassi who's turning out to be pretty successful. Lots of support from Lil' Wayne, which I can't imagine hurt him. But I love the song...That's what I'm trying to get to. I love the song because even though it's sad that money DOES change everything, I can't wait to get to a place in my life where I feel like I've made it.
Working 55 hour work weeks, getting paid late and not enough, and being exhausted all the time does not make me feel like I've made it. I'm so tired of my life feeling like a struggle. At times like these, I have a moment of clarity and I understand why my mom is so crazy and so hell-bent on her kids succeeding. I can't imagine the burden my parents feel, knowing that so many of their dreams (including the ones they had for me and Roxane) have failed.
I can't wait to make it. I can't wait to bail out my family, to do the right thing and to move forward with my life. I know it's going to be a long, hard road. But anything is better than what I am currently living. It's like I'm in limbo...I hate my job but I can't afford to leave. FIT is making me re-apply for their Spring semester. I have no idea what I'm going to do for work in NY or even where I'm going to live. The only thing I do know is that I'm going to make it happen.
I've got to make it happen.
Friday, September 18, 2009
For Entertainment Purposes
www.myparentsjoinedfacebook.com
www.peopleofwalmart.com
www.textsfromlastnight.com
www.fmylife.com
www.barbie.com (don't laugh, the makeover games are fun!)
www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com
Because everyone needs a non-alcoholic Friday afternoon pick me up!
www.peopleofwalmart.com
www.textsfromlastnight.com
www.fmylife.com
www.barbie.com (don't laugh, the makeover games are fun!)
www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com
Because everyone needs a non-alcoholic Friday afternoon pick me up!
Awkward, Party of Two.
Now would probably be a good time to explain that Blake doesn't date. The closest I've come to being on a date in the last year or so was being stuck in a very awkward "BFTA" (boyfriend tag along) situation where I felt like the 3rd wheel on my friend's date. I do awkward well, it works for me.
But no amount of tag-along dating (which is not really dating at all) could have prepared me for monday night.
You might remember that I started online dating a little over a month ago. At first, I loved it for my ego. A bunch of emails telling me how pretty I am and how badly you'd like to meet me/converse with me! Nice! Except the whole idea of online dating is you have to meet the ones you enjoy talking to eventually.
I didn't even think Mr. Boring was even that interesting on the phone. He wasn't terrible to talk to though, and I thought he was cute...So I gave it a shot. We met downtown for some sushi. First, he (somewhat)insulted me:"You're tall. You look like you should be more petite." Uhhh say what?! My profile specifically says that I am 5'7"! I could have, just as easily spat back "Well your profile didn't tell me that you're actually only 5'11, or about your nasty case of acne." But I bit my tongue. "Be a lady, Blake. Be a lady." Is what I kept telling myself.
He then complained that we couldn't get drinks there. When I told him there was a liquor store next door, he didn't want wine or Sake. Fine. When the bill came *AWKWARD ALERT* he let it sit there for a good while. I was the first one to touch it. I picked it up, looked at the bill $31.24 to be exact, and set it down, prepared for anything that came next. He then proceeded to take the bill, stick his card in it, and pay it. What the hay?! What was he thinking?! Why would you ever let a girl see the bill in the first place, if you intend to pay it??
After that he suggested we go for drinks...Not wanting to wander far from the downtown area where my dad works and could give him a good a$swhoopin at any given time, I suggested a place down the road. A vodka club, and patron shot later, conversation was still mediocre. Now ladies, I'm not naive enough to believe that you can bring a guy to a bar on a Monday night without him sneaking a look at the football scores. But would it have killed him to be discreet?! At least he didnt blink when this bill came.
Mr. Boring then had a stroke of genius. It's 8:30pm on a Monday night. We've already eaten dinner and gotten drinks. But noooo, Mr. Boring must be a night owl because he decided to drag me further into town for something else. I wanted so badly to go home so this tool could be done with. But instead we settled for watching Final Destination 3. I walked up to the desk, with him behind me and asked for two tickets to the movie, fully expecting him to step up and pay for it. Did he, you think? NO. This idiot not only had me pay for my own ticket, but for his too! On a first date?! What is this world coming to???
At this point, Mr. Boring was practically salivating at the mouth, and I'm so pissed off I think I have steam coming from the ears. Add to that the fact that I felt totally uncomfortable with his gawking! I could see it out the sides of my 3D glasses!!! Of course, he tried to kiss me when I got out of the car that night (EW!) and after I denied him, he kept trying to call me/text me/ facebook me.
How much do you think Mr.Boring would be willing to spend a clue? Maybe the $13 I had to pay for his movie ticket? Don't get me wrong. I'm not a gold-digger, and I pride myself on my independence. But I can appreciate being treated like a lady, especially on a first date. Not only did he fail to pay, and act so boring and awkward that it was cringe-worthy. But he also neglected to open doors for me, or do anything that would be courteous or gentleman-like, which he had described himself as.
Ah well, another one bites the dust.
Who's next?!
But no amount of tag-along dating (which is not really dating at all) could have prepared me for monday night.
You might remember that I started online dating a little over a month ago. At first, I loved it for my ego. A bunch of emails telling me how pretty I am and how badly you'd like to meet me/converse with me! Nice! Except the whole idea of online dating is you have to meet the ones you enjoy talking to eventually.
I didn't even think Mr. Boring was even that interesting on the phone. He wasn't terrible to talk to though, and I thought he was cute...So I gave it a shot. We met downtown for some sushi. First, he (somewhat)insulted me:"You're tall. You look like you should be more petite." Uhhh say what?! My profile specifically says that I am 5'7"! I could have, just as easily spat back "Well your profile didn't tell me that you're actually only 5'11, or about your nasty case of acne." But I bit my tongue. "Be a lady, Blake. Be a lady." Is what I kept telling myself.
He then complained that we couldn't get drinks there. When I told him there was a liquor store next door, he didn't want wine or Sake. Fine. When the bill came *AWKWARD ALERT* he let it sit there for a good while. I was the first one to touch it. I picked it up, looked at the bill $31.24 to be exact, and set it down, prepared for anything that came next. He then proceeded to take the bill, stick his card in it, and pay it. What the hay?! What was he thinking?! Why would you ever let a girl see the bill in the first place, if you intend to pay it??
After that he suggested we go for drinks...Not wanting to wander far from the downtown area where my dad works and could give him a good a$swhoopin at any given time, I suggested a place down the road. A vodka club, and patron shot later, conversation was still mediocre. Now ladies, I'm not naive enough to believe that you can bring a guy to a bar on a Monday night without him sneaking a look at the football scores. But would it have killed him to be discreet?! At least he didnt blink when this bill came.
Mr. Boring then had a stroke of genius. It's 8:30pm on a Monday night. We've already eaten dinner and gotten drinks. But noooo, Mr. Boring must be a night owl because he decided to drag me further into town for something else. I wanted so badly to go home so this tool could be done with. But instead we settled for watching Final Destination 3. I walked up to the desk, with him behind me and asked for two tickets to the movie, fully expecting him to step up and pay for it. Did he, you think? NO. This idiot not only had me pay for my own ticket, but for his too! On a first date?! What is this world coming to???
At this point, Mr. Boring was practically salivating at the mouth, and I'm so pissed off I think I have steam coming from the ears. Add to that the fact that I felt totally uncomfortable with his gawking! I could see it out the sides of my 3D glasses!!! Of course, he tried to kiss me when I got out of the car that night (EW!) and after I denied him, he kept trying to call me/text me/ facebook me.
How much do you think Mr.Boring would be willing to spend a clue? Maybe the $13 I had to pay for his movie ticket? Don't get me wrong. I'm not a gold-digger, and I pride myself on my independence. But I can appreciate being treated like a lady, especially on a first date. Not only did he fail to pay, and act so boring and awkward that it was cringe-worthy. But he also neglected to open doors for me, or do anything that would be courteous or gentleman-like, which he had described himself as.
Ah well, another one bites the dust.
Who's next?!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Drained x Infinity
Hello World,
Just checking in to let you know how exhausted I am. There aren't many people who know this about me... But I have a heart the size of Texas (maybe even bigger still) and I can't ever say "no" to anyone. Over time, this is starting to become a huge inconvenience to me...
I can't say no to work because it's money
I can't say no to family because I feel indebted to them
I can't say no to my friends because I feel horrible when people say no to me
I can't say no to most men because I personally hate rejection
I can't say no to things I know I don't want to do, even when I know it would be in my best interest.
It all just builds and it all just wears on you. Year after year of people coming to you with their problems, their heartache, their guilt...Barely gives you any time to deal with your own issues. When your problems finally confront you...You're too mentally spent to deal with them.
I'm too tired to even blog. I'm too tired/afraid to get the gears going on this topic because I can already feel the stress building in my shoulders as I'm typing it.
Another futile attemp at a cry for help.
Just checking in to let you know how exhausted I am. There aren't many people who know this about me... But I have a heart the size of Texas (maybe even bigger still) and I can't ever say "no" to anyone. Over time, this is starting to become a huge inconvenience to me...
I can't say no to work because it's money
I can't say no to family because I feel indebted to them
I can't say no to my friends because I feel horrible when people say no to me
I can't say no to most men because I personally hate rejection
I can't say no to things I know I don't want to do, even when I know it would be in my best interest.
It all just builds and it all just wears on you. Year after year of people coming to you with their problems, their heartache, their guilt...Barely gives you any time to deal with your own issues. When your problems finally confront you...You're too mentally spent to deal with them.
I'm too tired to even blog. I'm too tired/afraid to get the gears going on this topic because I can already feel the stress building in my shoulders as I'm typing it.
Another futile attemp at a cry for help.
Friday, September 11, 2009
September 11th, 2001
Sorry, came out slightly more graphic than I intended it to, but this is the day as I remember it.
Should've been a normal day.
I should've gone to school, come home,
And had my regular cheerleading practice
But instead, September 11th, 2001.
Changed all of our lives, forever.
Even when I'm 92 and nearly senile
I don't think I'll ever forget
The images I saw that day
Thirteen years old
Too young to comprehend
Just how much evil there truly is in this world
Too young to understand
Why no one could explain what was going on
Too innocent to fathom
Three thousand, and some only a few miles away from home.
Dead.
Never coming home.
Sister was away at school...
Panick in our hearts and in our minds.
No cell phone towers were working
Even Aunt Lola was worried
But selfishly, I have to admit
I was old enough to understand
That our lives would never be the same
I came home from school that day
I had no idea what was going on
For all I knew, the local mall had been bombed.
Mom and dad, crying on the couch.
Dad recovering from a cyst removal on his back
Lucky, for once, to have been out of work that fall
And specifically, that particular morning
Watching CNN
The timeline of the day
The first tower is burning
9:03 am
The second tower.
Flames, people running, hysteria...
Hysteria over a city that I love
People I know...
Their sisters, their brothers, their fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins & more...
Gone.
Today, 8 years later
The tears still fall as I write
My tears fall for the fallen
For the daughters who never met their fathers
For the turn this country has taken since
For the fallen who have defended and
Those who continue to defend our freedom
Today the pain, the fear, in my heart
Still hurts the same.
But the pride, swells more and more every day
I'd like for anyone to tell me
I'm not an American.
I was there, I pledged my allegiance, I love MY country
I love it's fallen soldiers, marines, and all those who defend us
I honor those who continue to defend us
And tomorrow we will continue to rise as a unified country
To rise against injustice
To rise against this economy
To rise against a government
And a war, which is failing us
To rise against a world where
People would rather terrify us
Than to let us live in peace
Today we mourn, we cry, we feel for those
Victims, families, and our defenders of freedom
Tomorrow, we will rise and be renewed
This is the United States
We are Americans
United, we stand
Divided, we fall.
God Bless.
Blake
Should've been a normal day.
I should've gone to school, come home,
And had my regular cheerleading practice
But instead, September 11th, 2001.
Changed all of our lives, forever.
Even when I'm 92 and nearly senile
I don't think I'll ever forget
The images I saw that day
Thirteen years old
Too young to comprehend
Just how much evil there truly is in this world
Too young to understand
Why no one could explain what was going on
Too innocent to fathom
Three thousand, and some only a few miles away from home.
Dead.
Never coming home.
Sister was away at school...
Panick in our hearts and in our minds.
No cell phone towers were working
Even Aunt Lola was worried
But selfishly, I have to admit
I was old enough to understand
That our lives would never be the same
I came home from school that day
I had no idea what was going on
For all I knew, the local mall had been bombed.
Mom and dad, crying on the couch.
Dad recovering from a cyst removal on his back
Lucky, for once, to have been out of work that fall
And specifically, that particular morning
Watching CNN
The timeline of the day
The first tower is burning
9:03 am
The second tower.
Flames, people running, hysteria...
Hysteria over a city that I love
People I know...
Their sisters, their brothers, their fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins & more...
Gone.
Today, 8 years later
The tears still fall as I write
My tears fall for the fallen
For the daughters who never met their fathers
For the turn this country has taken since
For the fallen who have defended and
Those who continue to defend our freedom
Today the pain, the fear, in my heart
Still hurts the same.
But the pride, swells more and more every day
I'd like for anyone to tell me
I'm not an American.
I was there, I pledged my allegiance, I love MY country
I love it's fallen soldiers, marines, and all those who defend us
I honor those who continue to defend us
And tomorrow we will continue to rise as a unified country
To rise against injustice
To rise against this economy
To rise against a government
And a war, which is failing us
To rise against a world where
People would rather terrify us
Than to let us live in peace
Today we mourn, we cry, we feel for those
Victims, families, and our defenders of freedom
Tomorrow, we will rise and be renewed
This is the United States
We are Americans
United, we stand
Divided, we fall.
God Bless.
Blake
Monday, September 7, 2009
"I just want to forget it ever happened..."
Let me start off this entry by saying a few things: 1. This is not for the weak hearted 2. My sister is a much stronger woman than I am and 3. It is because of things like the experience I had this weekend and largely because of my sisters courage that I am able to come forward.
Everything about this weekend is pointing to "all signs go". I spent the weekend at my friends dorm at Hofstra in Long Island, NY. Hofstra is a beautiful, expensive, and reputable university. My best girlfriend goes to that school, do I try to get up there a few times per semester.
I met her new roomates/friends Alice and Susannah and we all hit it off immediately . We walked to a nearby bar, had a few drinks, hung out with some kids they knew. Alice and Sue decided they were going back to one of the frat houses to smoke, but Blair and I stayed behind.
When we got back to the dorm, we got a phone call from a hysterical Alice claiming that her panties were soaked in blood, which she showed us later when she arrived back at the dorm. There was no diubt in my mind that foul play had
occured. Alice told us that multiple guys had (a seperate times in the night) forced their hands into her privates. One of those guys, was Sue's crush, who Sue also hooked up with last night. Turns out the frat house they went to is infamous for their inability to respect women. They drug them, humiliate them, and sexually abuse them. Hofstra has actually forced them off campus because of their hazing.
Alice refused multiple offers for medical attention. Susannah did not return to the dorm until 11am, after 35 frantic missed phone calls from us. She was fine, and now Alice changed her story- she no longer claims she was assaulted, instead she claims she doesn't remember.
My heart broke for Alice this morning. She hyperventilated and sobbed into my chest and I prayed that she would choose to press charges. See, I was once in Alice's shoes, and like her I did nothing.
It was January 2008. My ex and I were on the cusp of breaking up, and I went to a hotel party in manhattan for my friends birthday. I was only 19...My best friend at the time thought it would be a good idea to introduce me to her boyfriends cousin to take my mind off the loser I was dating.
The boy she introduced me to was not my type- short, rude, and pushy. It didn't stop me from feeling bad when he had to sleep in a chair that night. I told him he could share my bed as long as he understood he could not touch me under any circumstance.
When it came time to go to sleep, I was tempted to go back to my seperate room but I was scared because I was drunk and underage. I didn't wanna get caught and get myself in trouble. If only I knew then what I know now...
I woke up to his hands all over me. I told him to stop and he did, only to tell me that my ex was a loser who didn't deserve me. I begged him to stop and let me sleep. He kept touching me throughout the night as I drunkenly slipped in and out of sleep. I remember praying that my ex would show up, and even when I begged him to... He never did.
When I woke up for the final time that night, finally coherent I was able to tell him that I was going in the shower and he had to be gone when I came back. He didn't understand and insisted that "I wanted it." He eventually left, but came back later that day to walk us back to the ferry. I pretended (much like Alice this morning) that everything was ok. I even hugged the molester before walking away from him.
Unlike my sister, I never got help. I never told my best friend, who invited him there. I never told her boyfriend, who's cousin it was. I never told my ex, because I knew that he would blame me. I knew he would tell me I was a whore and I asked for it. I knew that I would believe him if he said it.
My sexual assault experience turned my life around. My ex and I broke up not too long after... Sex after that relationship filled me with guilt and other negative emotions and feelings. My distrust in me grew immensely. In October of 2009 I decided I would become celibate or from a Christian point of view- a "born again virgin."
Today I am a better person for having overcome this horrible experience. I wish I had sought help to avoid feeling the shame and the guilt which followed. But I cannot change what happened to me.
All I can hope is to send this story into the world, and reach someone who needs to read it.
All I can pray for tonight is for Alice to have peace in her heart and peace in her mind- no matter how she chooses to respond to this.
Everything about this weekend is pointing to "all signs go". I spent the weekend at my friends dorm at Hofstra in Long Island, NY. Hofstra is a beautiful, expensive, and reputable university. My best girlfriend goes to that school, do I try to get up there a few times per semester.
I met her new roomates/friends Alice and Susannah and we all hit it off immediately . We walked to a nearby bar, had a few drinks, hung out with some kids they knew. Alice and Sue decided they were going back to one of the frat houses to smoke, but Blair and I stayed behind.
When we got back to the dorm, we got a phone call from a hysterical Alice claiming that her panties were soaked in blood, which she showed us later when she arrived back at the dorm. There was no diubt in my mind that foul play had
occured. Alice told us that multiple guys had (a seperate times in the night) forced their hands into her privates. One of those guys, was Sue's crush, who Sue also hooked up with last night. Turns out the frat house they went to is infamous for their inability to respect women. They drug them, humiliate them, and sexually abuse them. Hofstra has actually forced them off campus because of their hazing.
Alice refused multiple offers for medical attention. Susannah did not return to the dorm until 11am, after 35 frantic missed phone calls from us. She was fine, and now Alice changed her story- she no longer claims she was assaulted, instead she claims she doesn't remember.
My heart broke for Alice this morning. She hyperventilated and sobbed into my chest and I prayed that she would choose to press charges. See, I was once in Alice's shoes, and like her I did nothing.
It was January 2008. My ex and I were on the cusp of breaking up, and I went to a hotel party in manhattan for my friends birthday. I was only 19...My best friend at the time thought it would be a good idea to introduce me to her boyfriends cousin to take my mind off the loser I was dating.
The boy she introduced me to was not my type- short, rude, and pushy. It didn't stop me from feeling bad when he had to sleep in a chair that night. I told him he could share my bed as long as he understood he could not touch me under any circumstance.
When it came time to go to sleep, I was tempted to go back to my seperate room but I was scared because I was drunk and underage. I didn't wanna get caught and get myself in trouble. If only I knew then what I know now...
I woke up to his hands all over me. I told him to stop and he did, only to tell me that my ex was a loser who didn't deserve me. I begged him to stop and let me sleep. He kept touching me throughout the night as I drunkenly slipped in and out of sleep. I remember praying that my ex would show up, and even when I begged him to... He never did.
When I woke up for the final time that night, finally coherent I was able to tell him that I was going in the shower and he had to be gone when I came back. He didn't understand and insisted that "I wanted it." He eventually left, but came back later that day to walk us back to the ferry. I pretended (much like Alice this morning) that everything was ok. I even hugged the molester before walking away from him.
Unlike my sister, I never got help. I never told my best friend, who invited him there. I never told her boyfriend, who's cousin it was. I never told my ex, because I knew that he would blame me. I knew he would tell me I was a whore and I asked for it. I knew that I would believe him if he said it.
My sexual assault experience turned my life around. My ex and I broke up not too long after... Sex after that relationship filled me with guilt and other negative emotions and feelings. My distrust in me grew immensely. In October of 2009 I decided I would become celibate or from a Christian point of view- a "born again virgin."
Today I am a better person for having overcome this horrible experience. I wish I had sought help to avoid feeling the shame and the guilt which followed. But I cannot change what happened to me.
All I can hope is to send this story into the world, and reach someone who needs to read it.
All I can pray for tonight is for Alice to have peace in her heart and peace in her mind- no matter how she chooses to respond to this.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
A Little Lesson in Karma
This is a very short story, but a good one. Because I am in a tough immigration situation, I don't drive. I've never driven outside of a parking lot, never had a car, etc. I rely mostly on my friends and family and sometimes *gasp* the absolutely dreadful New Jersey Transit.
Now sometimes, I'll get lucky and I'm alone on the bus home. That situation is ideal. I make friends with the bus driver, I get home quickly and safely. Yesterday was not like that at all.
I work in a part of town which is mostly inhabited by illegal immigrants-most of them Hispanic. (disclaimer: no part of this story is intended to be racist). They always stare when I get on the bus, probably becauseI'm usually the only white person or "gringa" taking public transit. Needless to say, it freaks me out a little bit. So when I got on yesterday and saw a slightly elderly woman sitting towards the front of the bus, I kindly asked her if she would move her bags to which the old bag retorted "There's plenty of open seats on the bus." Oh no she didnt!!! First of all, you old piece of poop, there is NOT plenty of space on this bus. It's a hot Saturday afternoon, everyone is trying to just get home! But I kept my cool- Jersey Gina did not make an appearance. Instead I told her in my best sarcastic tone that I thought she was a truly wonderful person, and to have a nice day. Luckily a nicer young woman who was sitting behind her offered me the seat next to her. Wouldn't you know it...Not even one minute later, the dirtiest looking dude on the bus walks up to the older woman, motions to the open seat and sits down! I'm talking this guy must've been working in the hot sun all day, he was covered in soot (or was it dirt) and sweat! KARMA KARMA KARMA people it is so so so real! I had a terrible day, and seeing it work like that just turned my day around.
Do you have any karma stories to share???
xoxo
Blake
Now sometimes, I'll get lucky and I'm alone on the bus home. That situation is ideal. I make friends with the bus driver, I get home quickly and safely. Yesterday was not like that at all.
I work in a part of town which is mostly inhabited by illegal immigrants-most of them Hispanic. (disclaimer: no part of this story is intended to be racist). They always stare when I get on the bus, probably becauseI'm usually the only white person or "gringa" taking public transit. Needless to say, it freaks me out a little bit. So when I got on yesterday and saw a slightly elderly woman sitting towards the front of the bus, I kindly asked her if she would move her bags to which the old bag retorted "There's plenty of open seats on the bus." Oh no she didnt!!! First of all, you old piece of poop, there is NOT plenty of space on this bus. It's a hot Saturday afternoon, everyone is trying to just get home! But I kept my cool- Jersey Gina did not make an appearance. Instead I told her in my best sarcastic tone that I thought she was a truly wonderful person, and to have a nice day. Luckily a nicer young woman who was sitting behind her offered me the seat next to her. Wouldn't you know it...Not even one minute later, the dirtiest looking dude on the bus walks up to the older woman, motions to the open seat and sits down! I'm talking this guy must've been working in the hot sun all day, he was covered in soot (or was it dirt) and sweat! KARMA KARMA KARMA people it is so so so real! I had a terrible day, and seeing it work like that just turned my day around.
Do you have any karma stories to share???
xoxo
Blake
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Happy SITS Day to You!
"Happy SITS day to you, Happy SITS day to you, Happy SITS day dear Roxane, Happy SITS day to you!"
Here's to another 6 (or more) months of happy blogging about your crazy life, sissy. Maybe you weren't so wrong to want to get into journalism in the first place! I love you very much, and have no doubt you're going to take this internet world by storm!
To those of you who don't already follow my lovely (blood-related, genuine) fiery redhead of a sister at "It really is all about me", I don't know what you're waiting for! She is the featured Blogger on SITS today, and as you can tell I am so proud/excited for her! AND you can also follow her on TWITTER!
Remind me to show you guys my new rainboots later! All I can say is "rawr"
=)
xoxo
Blake
Here's to another 6 (or more) months of happy blogging about your crazy life, sissy. Maybe you weren't so wrong to want to get into journalism in the first place! I love you very much, and have no doubt you're going to take this internet world by storm!
To those of you who don't already follow my lovely (blood-related, genuine) fiery redhead of a sister at "It really is all about me", I don't know what you're waiting for! She is the featured Blogger on SITS today, and as you can tell I am so proud/excited for her! AND you can also follow her on TWITTER!
Remind me to show you guys my new rainboots later! All I can say is "rawr"
=)
xoxo
Blake
Monday, August 31, 2009
Blake Goes Shopping
So as you may or may not know, I am a fashion major. Logic dictates that I would be a label-loving, shopaholic. The latter is true, the former is not. I buy clothes wherever I like them- sometimes that even means flea markets!
This past weekend I went to Nordstroms, Forever 21, and Burlington Coat Factory. The discounts were ridiculous. Truth be told the last thing I need is clothes, shoes, or anything else that falls under the category of apparel. But I'm addicted, and it's better than smoking!
The thing about being a shopaholic is you have to be smart about it. Only use your credit card if you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. Ask for giftcards for your birthday, and only use cash. Shop late spring for next winter's wardrobe. Shop early fall for next summer's wardrobe. Get it? And don't start about the "trends changing" trends are typically the same. Buy basics. Don't go crazy.
Here's what I bargained shopped for:
This past weekend I went to Nordstroms, Forever 21, and Burlington Coat Factory. The discounts were ridiculous. Truth be told the last thing I need is clothes, shoes, or anything else that falls under the category of apparel. But I'm addicted, and it's better than smoking!
The thing about being a shopaholic is you have to be smart about it. Only use your credit card if you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. Ask for giftcards for your birthday, and only use cash. Shop late spring for next winter's wardrobe. Shop early fall for next summer's wardrobe. Get it? And don't start about the "trends changing" trends are typically the same. Buy basics. Don't go crazy.
Here's what I bargained shopped for:
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