So here's a little-known fact about me. Most people would probably say that they view me as confrontational because I am outspoken, loud, and opinionated. The truth is that I only act that way when the outcome is truly unimportant. For example- if we were to debate politics- we can argue both sides until we're blue in the face- but it doesn't change the country. The truth about me is that I'm actually very non confrontational when it comes to real-life issues-I'd much rather run far far away.
Part of me is guiltily willing to admit that that is part of why I am moving to New York. I need a change of scenery, I need to start fresh. But what I really mean to say is "I need to be ABH (anywhere but here)." New York just happens to be where my chosen school is, a city that I love, and close enough to home that I can come running back if I please.
See it's simple- when things aren't going my way, when things have gone so far off course from where they should be, it's so much easier to escape and start over than it is to tirelessly work as fixing a problem. I mean really, who works at solving things now anyway? The only thing that matters is the outcome. What we experience during our trials and tribulations is no where near as important as the person that these things transform us into. We will forget the hurdles we jumped, but we will always remember the medals we won (or didn't win).
I'm moving to New York out of fear. Out of fear of what will happen to me if I stay here. Out of fear of not having followed my dreams, of turning into my mother. Of never meeting the right person, or worse, staying with the right person for all the wrong reasons. I'm moving to New York to escape the somber reality of my life: I am an out-of-status immigrant, who is working at a dead-end job, and has exhausted all of her opportunities for growth in the town where she grew up. I am moving of New York because I'm sick of living my life in neutral, and accepting mediocrity as a means of payment for the price that is my livelihood.
It's so desperate that it's pathetic. It's so desperate that no one dares to try to stop me for fear of what I might do if I'm trapped here any longer.
It's going to hurt to leave. But I'll hurt even more if I stay. Everything I know about this place is no longer. There is no doting mother, no loving father, there are no more friends that I grew up with. There is my sister, and my aging jack Russell. There are faces of boys that whose gazes I'd rather not meet, and stares from girls I used to be friends with. There is nothing left here.
I'm running on empty.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
In Transit: Poor Immigrant in Search of $$$!
I blame my father for my ability to dream big and the mind that makes me believe that the unthinkable is achievable. I blame him even more for the courage to make me go through with my crazy plans... That's right- I blame him for encouraging me to be a dreamer, a self thinker, and an over achiever.
When I was 18 I thought by now I'd be living with my then-boyfriend in southern california. I'd be doing hair at some high end salon and her be finishing up at some big state university. Wed be married and I would be 3 years closer to my citizenship. It was fool proof: he loved me, I loved him, and who doesn't want to live in southern california?
Secretly, I didn't. I wanted to go to fashion school, right here at home. Where my friends and family live, where we have seasons, and where I don't have to slow my speech pattern to fit in. So I called off all plans by breaking up with him. I knew from day 1 that our coastal differences would eventually cause a rift between us... Plus, he kissed a boy and for that I never forgave him.
So I set out to reach my own goals, and make my own dreams come true. Just me, my GPA, and my full time job. This leads us to present day where I am KICKING myself for not marrying for citizenship.
In a few short months, ill be off to chase my big city dreams with only a few thousand dollars (probably not enough to cover my tuition in full) and an Associates degree. I'm proud of myself for taking the ethical road- if I'm going to make it here its going to be because I did it for me, not because it was handed to me. But I'm petrified! You have to live under a rock not to know how much it costs to live (even in one of the lesser boos) of new york. Add a little over $6000 in tuition alone, plus $550 in rent monthly add the costs of books, food, and the financial aid that I won't receive (despite the fact that I'm basically poor and have stellar grades) and I am in some MAJOR trouble. Short of selling my old non Christian soul on ebay and becoming a stripper I don't know how I'm going to afford this. I could give up food- but school won't do me any good if I'm dead from malnutrition.
I'll take any suggestions you've got...
When I was 18 I thought by now I'd be living with my then-boyfriend in southern california. I'd be doing hair at some high end salon and her be finishing up at some big state university. Wed be married and I would be 3 years closer to my citizenship. It was fool proof: he loved me, I loved him, and who doesn't want to live in southern california?
Secretly, I didn't. I wanted to go to fashion school, right here at home. Where my friends and family live, where we have seasons, and where I don't have to slow my speech pattern to fit in. So I called off all plans by breaking up with him. I knew from day 1 that our coastal differences would eventually cause a rift between us... Plus, he kissed a boy and for that I never forgave him.
So I set out to reach my own goals, and make my own dreams come true. Just me, my GPA, and my full time job. This leads us to present day where I am KICKING myself for not marrying for citizenship.
In a few short months, ill be off to chase my big city dreams with only a few thousand dollars (probably not enough to cover my tuition in full) and an Associates degree. I'm proud of myself for taking the ethical road- if I'm going to make it here its going to be because I did it for me, not because it was handed to me. But I'm petrified! You have to live under a rock not to know how much it costs to live (even in one of the lesser boos) of new york. Add a little over $6000 in tuition alone, plus $550 in rent monthly add the costs of books, food, and the financial aid that I won't receive (despite the fact that I'm basically poor and have stellar grades) and I am in some MAJOR trouble. Short of selling my old non Christian soul on ebay and becoming a stripper I don't know how I'm going to afford this. I could give up food- but school won't do me any good if I'm dead from malnutrition.
I'll take any suggestions you've got...
LateLY
Hi!
So I've been doing a lot of traveling around between NY and NJ lately, which leaves me a lot of time to 1) get frustrated and 2) write. I've been writing *typing?* on my phone so I have to email the posts and post them because I have yet to download a new blogging app for my blackberry (any suggestions?).
That being said, I'm going to follow this post with a few that I've written in the past week or so. Enjoy :)
xoxo
Laurence
So I've been doing a lot of traveling around between NY and NJ lately, which leaves me a lot of time to 1) get frustrated and 2) write. I've been writing *typing?* on my phone so I have to email the posts and post them because I have yet to download a new blogging app for my blackberry (any suggestions?).
That being said, I'm going to follow this post with a few that I've written in the past week or so. Enjoy :)
xoxo
Laurence
In Transit: Nov 2nd
Lately I've been hard on myself. Its hard to keep a positive perspective when you feel like its you against the world.
So tonight I decided to write something a little more positive! Coming back to new jersey after a weekend of fun in NY is not my idea of a good time. First, it makes me sad to leave my friends and the one place I want to be. It also makes for a lot of alone time and not much to do except listen to music text and sometimes write...
Tonight after experiencing my fleeting moments of sadness I reflected on the scenes that I remember from the bar last night. The crazy stories my friends tell me... Their encounters with frat brothers, one night stands... They're living the college dream-3 college girls with not enough time in the world for all the boys who want them.
I never went away to college- but I've made my share of mistakes. Let's just say the walk of shame isn't easy to witness when he's sneaking out of your actual bedroom and out your front door! Pray the neighbors didn't see him!
With these experiences came the usual feelings and thoughts to accompany casual sex- "Am I a slut?" Or "is the whole town going to hear about this." Or even worse "WHY am I late?" So about a year ago I came up with the solution to ending this vicious cycle of nagging thoughts and questions: CELIBACY.
I'm happy (and proud) to share that I've now been celibate for approximately 13 months. Kissing is about as far as it goes with me- no matter how much I like you, or how much I've had to drink. My life without sex (or a boyfriend even) is so much more focused, and so much less dramatic. I've learned to stand on my own two feet and to rely on my instinct and God's plan for guidance- not some boy who barely knows where he's even headed. I have stronger faith, stronger friendships, more self respect, and higher self esteem. Being celibate made me a better me!
It does slightly complicate trying to be in any relationship... Guys of course, want a girl who puts out eventually, if not pretty immediately. But I hold on to my convictions and I'm holding out till I find a guy who accepts me for me. A guy who accepts a better me than the me's of yesteryear.
So tonight I decided to write something a little more positive! Coming back to new jersey after a weekend of fun in NY is not my idea of a good time. First, it makes me sad to leave my friends and the one place I want to be. It also makes for a lot of alone time and not much to do except listen to music text and sometimes write...
Tonight after experiencing my fleeting moments of sadness I reflected on the scenes that I remember from the bar last night. The crazy stories my friends tell me... Their encounters with frat brothers, one night stands... They're living the college dream-3 college girls with not enough time in the world for all the boys who want them.
I never went away to college- but I've made my share of mistakes. Let's just say the walk of shame isn't easy to witness when he's sneaking out of your actual bedroom and out your front door! Pray the neighbors didn't see him!
With these experiences came the usual feelings and thoughts to accompany casual sex- "Am I a slut?" Or "is the whole town going to hear about this." Or even worse "WHY am I late?" So about a year ago I came up with the solution to ending this vicious cycle of nagging thoughts and questions: CELIBACY.
I'm happy (and proud) to share that I've now been celibate for approximately 13 months. Kissing is about as far as it goes with me- no matter how much I like you, or how much I've had to drink. My life without sex (or a boyfriend even) is so much more focused, and so much less dramatic. I've learned to stand on my own two feet and to rely on my instinct and God's plan for guidance- not some boy who barely knows where he's even headed. I have stronger faith, stronger friendships, more self respect, and higher self esteem. Being celibate made me a better me!
It does slightly complicate trying to be in any relationship... Guys of course, want a girl who puts out eventually, if not pretty immediately. But I hold on to my convictions and I'm holding out till I find a guy who accepts me for me. A guy who accepts a better me than the me's of yesteryear.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Confession by Ben Stein
The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning
Commentary.
My confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees.... I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too... But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'
In light of events like ... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Are you laughing yet?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.
My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein
Commentary.
My confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees.... I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too... But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'
In light of events like ... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Are you laughing yet?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.
My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Due for a miracle
Hi bloggey loves!
Long time no postey and for that I do apologize! However, I do want to keep you all posted... The best way to know what's going on in my life is to follow my Twitter @laurencemasson. And there you have it, my blog cover is blown! You all know my real first and last name! Oh well... I kept up the façade for long enough!
So here's the low-down on Blake lately:
-The boss man is running me ragged with 55 hour work weeks and basically babysitting me to make sure I'm doing everything I should be doing. She also cut my pay back to what is was before she gave me a pathetic 50 cent raise. She also got mad when I told her I'm no longer cleaning for her if she intends to screw me on pay. Boss man wasn't happy. Too bad for bossman!
-A client of mine that I met a few weeks ago offered me some freelance writing work. She wanted me to script her a 5 minute speech about herself and her achievements as a realtor. I wrote it, she loved it. My professor told me to charge her $25 for it (I'm a student, not a pro) and she generously gave me $100. She continued saying that my work was much more valuable to her than a spray tan and that she APPRECIATED all the work I did for her and my perserverance as a professional. SCORE! It was so validating for me to read that about myself.
-September 30th marked the 8th anniversary of my grandfathers passing from Alzheimers. I had a surprisingly good day, and this year instead of being sad I decided I would live it up and make him proud by going to work and being ME. I think it worked. I felt so much better.
-I received a letter from my current college giving me the green light for december completion of my Associates.
-School is amazing, I'm enjoying my classes even the dreaded math.
-Ive been getting caught up on my Bible readings. I forgot how much it soothes me late at night. The more I read the better it gets. I'm currently at Exodus 5:22...the story of Moses. I need this in my life... I don't know how or why I ever put it on the backburner but that's really not an option anymore.
-Roxane is taking me to see a psychic tomorrow... Hypocritical much???^^^see above^^^
-I ordered my halloweenie costume and it's a surpriseeeee
And finally
I have begun the employment/roomate/apartment hunting process for the NYC metro area. If you know anyone, please hit a girl up!
How are my blog peepz doing??!
Xoxox
LBM
Long time no postey and for that I do apologize! However, I do want to keep you all posted... The best way to know what's going on in my life is to follow my Twitter @laurencemasson. And there you have it, my blog cover is blown! You all know my real first and last name! Oh well... I kept up the façade for long enough!
So here's the low-down on Blake lately:
-The boss man is running me ragged with 55 hour work weeks and basically babysitting me to make sure I'm doing everything I should be doing. She also cut my pay back to what is was before she gave me a pathetic 50 cent raise. She also got mad when I told her I'm no longer cleaning for her if she intends to screw me on pay. Boss man wasn't happy. Too bad for bossman!
-A client of mine that I met a few weeks ago offered me some freelance writing work. She wanted me to script her a 5 minute speech about herself and her achievements as a realtor. I wrote it, she loved it. My professor told me to charge her $25 for it (I'm a student, not a pro) and she generously gave me $100. She continued saying that my work was much more valuable to her than a spray tan and that she APPRECIATED all the work I did for her and my perserverance as a professional. SCORE! It was so validating for me to read that about myself.
-September 30th marked the 8th anniversary of my grandfathers passing from Alzheimers. I had a surprisingly good day, and this year instead of being sad I decided I would live it up and make him proud by going to work and being ME. I think it worked. I felt so much better.
-I received a letter from my current college giving me the green light for december completion of my Associates.
-School is amazing, I'm enjoying my classes even the dreaded math.
-Ive been getting caught up on my Bible readings. I forgot how much it soothes me late at night. The more I read the better it gets. I'm currently at Exodus 5:22...the story of Moses. I need this in my life... I don't know how or why I ever put it on the backburner but that's really not an option anymore.
-Roxane is taking me to see a psychic tomorrow... Hypocritical much???^^^see above^^^
-I ordered my halloweenie costume and it's a surpriseeeee
And finally
I have begun the employment/roomate/apartment hunting process for the NYC metro area. If you know anyone, please hit a girl up!
How are my blog peepz doing??!
Xoxox
LBM
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Concrete Jungle Where Dreams are Made of
"But I never share my thoughts,
This is all a ni**a knows.
And every time I try, it opens up my eyes.
These verses are a chance to be remembered and reprised.
And I would be performing just as long as Im alive.
So every word I utter will be mine."
I'm in a 'New York state of mind'. I can't wait to leave this place...
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a hip hop, R&B, and pop music junkie. If it's on top 20 or listed as an up and coming hip hop song, I've probably heard of it. It's so weird to be a little white girl, who grew up in the suburbs, but who can relate so well to the music. I guess that's the idea of being any kind of recording artist- to reach an audience. The idea of being a stellar recording artist is to reach people that you would deem untouchable.
Anyway. The quote I posted above is from Drake's song titled "Fear". Drake is actually one of the actors from Degrassi who's turning out to be pretty successful. Lots of support from Lil' Wayne, which I can't imagine hurt him. But I love the song...That's what I'm trying to get to. I love the song because even though it's sad that money DOES change everything, I can't wait to get to a place in my life where I feel like I've made it.
Working 55 hour work weeks, getting paid late and not enough, and being exhausted all the time does not make me feel like I've made it. I'm so tired of my life feeling like a struggle. At times like these, I have a moment of clarity and I understand why my mom is so crazy and so hell-bent on her kids succeeding. I can't imagine the burden my parents feel, knowing that so many of their dreams (including the ones they had for me and Roxane) have failed.
I can't wait to make it. I can't wait to bail out my family, to do the right thing and to move forward with my life. I know it's going to be a long, hard road. But anything is better than what I am currently living. It's like I'm in limbo...I hate my job but I can't afford to leave. FIT is making me re-apply for their Spring semester. I have no idea what I'm going to do for work in NY or even where I'm going to live. The only thing I do know is that I'm going to make it happen.
I've got to make it happen.
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