Schemin'

I fly like paper
Get high like planes
If you catch me at the border
I got visas in my name


Well, for any Hova fans out there, you'll know what I mean when I say I'm schemin'. For those of you who are unaware, or justdon't share my appreciation of gangsta rap, here's the urbandictionary definition:

schemin':the act of planning or plotting; devising in an overt or covert manner

Used in a sentence:"Stop schemin' and lookin' hard."

So, what exactly am I up to? Well, since Daddy came home, my mind's been on overdrive. Where to go next? What to do next? It's almost as exciting as it is anxiety-causing. First things first: I'm not graduating this May. I'll have to go back to school in September regardless. Second: Do I apply for an unpaid internship and give up the money I could be making? OR Do I give up just one month at work (as opposed to May-Sept as in intern) to get my identity back in Canada. Hmm, so many options and the time nears for a decision to be made. It could go any which way, but I can practically taste the freedom.

Scenario #1: I apply and am given an internship. This means I'd be working full-time, 5 days a week, at THE biggest fashion publication on the shelves right now. This isn't your average Marie Claire or Elle. This is WWD. The opportunities would be endless---if I was American. As much as I can't afford to lose out on the opportunity to connect with people in my industry I also can't afford to lose $400/wk. Or maybe I can deal without the astronomical tuition payments next semester. Even if they loved me, I don't know if they could get me papers to get me legal. BIG problem. I don't really feel like I have any more time to waste, and I certainly wouldn't want to piss them off because they think I'm a shady immigrant folk.

Scenario #2: I spend a month in Canada and get my papers taken care of. I'd go get my license, social security, health care, etc. Then I come home...With a car, a license, and a little thing called freedom. My own version, anyway. End of story. Free at last, free at last. Oh, right ---except for that whole re-entering illegally thing (which I've never done).

Scenario #3: I stay home this summer, and do the same thing I've always done. I'll just get more frustrated with having the same results I've always had.

Doesn't leave much room for decisions to be made but...What would YOU do? What would you do if you couldn't work, drive, go to school, and live your life- because of a stupid piece of paper. What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and realized that your home, the place where you grew up and lived almost your whole life, is the very place that you're not welcome?

What would you do?

Had Me ROFLMAO

Oh, life can be so ironic sometimes. My sister (who played hooky from school today) and I were talking this morning and she said to me: "I made friends with a Mexican on the train the other day." (side bar: we are nowhere near racist) I started laughing and then responded "Me too!". She might post her story later, so I don't want to tell her story on her behalf. But I figured I'd share mine.

Because I can't drive to and from school, and because my friends are at best semi-dependable, I have to take the bus home from college on Friday mornings. Sometimes I run to catch it to make sure I'm at work on time. It took me a long time to swallow my pride and deal with having to take the bus. I mean for serious? If the government knew what they were doing to my self-esteem by making me ride this thing, they might pity me more! I know, I know. It's just a bus, and I shouldn't let that define me. It's just embarassing because you have to know where I'm coming from. I live in one of the richest counties in New Jersey. Majority of my friends have pretty, shiny, new vehicles. I'm taking the bus. And to boot, I'm the only white person on the bus. I'm really not trying to make this about race- but I know they're judging me because I've had people say it straight to my face before.

Regardless. Last week, I took the bus into the town center, where all the illegal immigrants go to find work. I'm not kidding. That's where the bus drops me off, and where I have to take another bus to my job. I was outside waiting for a good 15 minutes when my new friend said to me:
"It's cold."
Me: "Yes, very cold."
N.F: "You waiting for the bus?"
Me: "Yes. You?"
N.F: "Yes"
Me: "Where are you from?"
N.F: "Mexico. You?"
Me: "Canada. You legal?"
N.F: "No. You."
Me: "Nope."
And it went on and on until the bus came and we parted ways. We chatted about families, about my Daddy being in Canada, and how messed up the system is. If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be at a bus stop, in the "zone", talking to a Mexican, I would've laughed in your face and asked you "Do you know who I am?"

I suppose it's God's way of a small dose of humility. For me, and my family. You see being raised in the US, we were still legal. We were functional, contributing parts of this society and economy. I was basically raised to believe that illegal immigrants are not really worthy of being here, and overall a drain on society. Then I became something like one. And now I understand. Now I understand that while some of these people (the criminals, the gang members, those who only work here to send money back) don't deserve to be here, some of them are just here trying to get by. A lot of us have invested everything we have in the promise of the American dream, and believe me, immigrants these days are built American tough.

These last few weeks have been very difficult for myself and my family. Each day is it's own rollercoaster. But when I think about it, I know we stand a chance. Even if it's a fleeting chance in Hades, it's still ours to take. That being said, I'm going to start trying to raise more awareness for this cause. I think President Obama needs to factor immigrants into the economic equation. I think he needs to encourage them to come out of the shadows, pay taxes, and become American. I think we need more secure borders and better relationships with both Mexico and Canada. Illegal immigrants, and those who are out of status need an opportunity to make it here, because otherwise we're still not going anywhere. You can shun us, you can take away everything we have- it doesn't change a thing. The minute we leave this place is the minute we lose it all.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Blake

It's March?!

Ugh, welcome to March. I'm exhausted, and grumpy and now guilty of blogging on the job. I'm so bored I could EASILY go fall back asleep in one of the tanning beds, or on the couch in the front lobby for that matter. Regardless... Here's what yesterday was like for me:
I worked almost 12 hours at our brand new spa's Grand Opening. It went really well, with the exception that I don't normally work there. My boss brought me over because she knows I can do makeup relatively well, and that I'm educated about product. We definitely did well is sales, and the hourly is going to be a nice bonus to my next pay. After 11 hours I could no longer feel my feet, and they had turned off the heat in the building. I was delirious, cranky, and exhausted- meaning I left the building at 8:30pm feeling the same way I had felt when I entered at 9am- delirious cranky and exhausted. I got stuck working with this horrid 28-year-old wench who clearly doesn't know who I am. Technically, I am her superior. Screw the 8-year age gap, I was ready to literally KNOCK her into place. She even admitted to being a bit 'snarky' towards me. Get lost, homegirl. Know your place before I have to put you in it.
I got a lecture from momma because she could smell the cigarette on my breath when I walked in. I told her that with everything going on at home I just can't find the willpower to quit. Everyone at school, smokes. Everyone at work, smokes. It's hard for me to quit under those circumstances. Besides, I have so little energy and I already gave up coffee for lent (which has induced MASSIVE caffeine headaches by the way) it's sad but when I want a cig, I just want one. I'll quit when I'm ready. Anyway, it seems that Momma's not gonna let up on this smoking bit. Who could blame her? I'd be pissed too- she smoked for round 40 years and managed to quit..I dont understand why I can't! I woke up this morning and now she was accusing me of smoking in the house. Let me be clear. I may be insensitive, I may even be rude sometimes... But I would NEVER light a cigarette under my parent's roof! They both worked WAY too hard to quit for me to do that to them. It bothered me that she would accuse me of that!
I miss my dad a lot. He's been gone for almost a full week now. It's been almost 3 years since I went that long without seeing him, when I went to California and Vegas with my now, ex-boyfriend. Mid-way through the second week, I was begging my dad to pay the difference on my plane ticket if I was to trade it in to come home early. Looking back, I'm glad I didn't marry him to get my citizenship. Not even citizenship could've kept me happy enough out there to be 3,000 miles away from my family. I hope the guy I marry likes NJ, because I don't plan on leaving...Unless we're moving to NY...And even that is iffy.
I degress...I went home and took a bubble bath as I waited on Crookers (my best guy friend who apparently I like?) to tell me when he was returning from his longggg trip to Long Island, NY. And by long I mean, he spent the entire day driving there and back (Hamptons) to pick up some cars. By the time he called me I was already downstairs, getting myself food, and getting ready to go watch Goodfellas in the comfort of my too-small single bed. In lieu of hanging out, Crooks and I just stayed on the phone. I couldn't tell you what we talked about...just that we both started dozing off around 2am and called it a night. I now call Crookers by his "blog-name" now... I think he likes it, he calls himself a crook all the time... I'll post about this in T.A.L.M.S
My alarm went off at 7:45am. I made it out of bed by 7:55 and was at work (fully-dressed, makeup done) by 8:24. Thanks very much to Navy Girl, my best friend of 8 years, for dragging herself out of bed to drive me to work today :) Love you, NG. (sidebar: I can't drive because of immigration issues and I am VERY grateful for my understanding friends who do so much for me) I'm still tired from yesterday. I just want some comfort food, some blankets, and a good movie, dang it! I want a day to be a bum and do nothing! I should probably makes plans to stay far away from comfort food. I've noticed that I'm eating a lot lately, and not out of hunger. I'll snack of out boredom and eat just to eat. I remember my cigarette and redbull diet. I also remember when I was about as close to model-thin as I'll ever get. Five more days, but then I'm putting the food to rest...It's time to get skinny again. Oh, the pressure of living on the Jersey shore.
Send good vibes, please. Hopefully this week will be better than the last
xoxo
Blake

About A Girl: LBM

I'd love to tell you what the L and M stand for in my initials but for the sake of anonimity, I'm going to remain mysterious... Somewhat, anyway. People are so sneaky these days I bet you could find out who I really am, if you really wanted to.

So who is "Blake" anyway? 

-I was born on August 10th, 1988 (which means I'm presently 20) in a small suburb outside of Montreal, Canada.