Had Me ROFLMAO

Oh, life can be so ironic sometimes. My sister (who played hooky from school today) and I were talking this morning and she said to me: "I made friends with a Mexican on the train the other day." (side bar: we are nowhere near racist) I started laughing and then responded "Me too!". She might post her story later, so I don't want to tell her story on her behalf. But I figured I'd share mine.

Because I can't drive to and from school, and because my friends are at best semi-dependable, I have to take the bus home from college on Friday mornings. Sometimes I run to catch it to make sure I'm at work on time. It took me a long time to swallow my pride and deal with having to take the bus. I mean for serious? If the government knew what they were doing to my self-esteem by making me ride this thing, they might pity me more! I know, I know. It's just a bus, and I shouldn't let that define me. It's just embarassing because you have to know where I'm coming from. I live in one of the richest counties in New Jersey. Majority of my friends have pretty, shiny, new vehicles. I'm taking the bus. And to boot, I'm the only white person on the bus. I'm really not trying to make this about race- but I know they're judging me because I've had people say it straight to my face before.

Regardless. Last week, I took the bus into the town center, where all the illegal immigrants go to find work. I'm not kidding. That's where the bus drops me off, and where I have to take another bus to my job. I was outside waiting for a good 15 minutes when my new friend said to me:
"It's cold."
Me: "Yes, very cold."
N.F: "You waiting for the bus?"
Me: "Yes. You?"
N.F: "Yes"
Me: "Where are you from?"
N.F: "Mexico. You?"
Me: "Canada. You legal?"
N.F: "No. You."
Me: "Nope."
And it went on and on until the bus came and we parted ways. We chatted about families, about my Daddy being in Canada, and how messed up the system is. If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be at a bus stop, in the "zone", talking to a Mexican, I would've laughed in your face and asked you "Do you know who I am?"

I suppose it's God's way of a small dose of humility. For me, and my family. You see being raised in the US, we were still legal. We were functional, contributing parts of this society and economy. I was basically raised to believe that illegal immigrants are not really worthy of being here, and overall a drain on society. Then I became something like one. And now I understand. Now I understand that while some of these people (the criminals, the gang members, those who only work here to send money back) don't deserve to be here, some of them are just here trying to get by. A lot of us have invested everything we have in the promise of the American dream, and believe me, immigrants these days are built American tough.

These last few weeks have been very difficult for myself and my family. Each day is it's own rollercoaster. But when I think about it, I know we stand a chance. Even if it's a fleeting chance in Hades, it's still ours to take. That being said, I'm going to start trying to raise more awareness for this cause. I think President Obama needs to factor immigrants into the economic equation. I think he needs to encourage them to come out of the shadows, pay taxes, and become American. I think we need more secure borders and better relationships with both Mexico and Canada. Illegal immigrants, and those who are out of status need an opportunity to make it here, because otherwise we're still not going anywhere. You can shun us, you can take away everything we have- it doesn't change a thing. The minute we leave this place is the minute we lose it all.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Blake

Things To Be Proud Of

My sister thinks I have lot of them. I'm not writing this to prove her wrong. But I have to admit I am curious. Maybe I don't realize that some of the things I do are big things to be proud of. Maybe I'm too hard on myself. Or maybe I'm the one who's right. I don't think the things I do are extraordinary, and I don't think I'm worth much. Some day when I'm old and I die I might not leave much more behind than those who came before me. I'd like to think that I will, but life has no guarantees. Maybe it's because I never expected too much of myself, but was always willing to push harder for the things I wanted. Regardless, when I look back on my 20 years of life, I tend not to look at the things I ought to be proud of. Days like this I'm a pessimist at best.

Even when I was younger I was a very jealous person. I hated my sister, because she was my #1 competition. I wish I hadn't spent all of those years resenting her. I wish I had known about my family more- wish I had known that all the little things I wanted, added up. I never would've asked for dance classes if I knew how much it bothered my parents that they couldn't afford them. I wish I had been a more private person because maybe today I'd be more at ease with the mistakes I've made. I wish I hadn't been so forgiving of people who didn't deserve me. I once had an ex boyfriend who put me in so much danger, and I still can't believe to this day that I was willing to put my LIFE on the line to date him. I wish I had saved all that money I made when I was younger, even last summer because I can think of plenty more important things I could've spent that cash on. I wish I had been more independent, so that today I wouldn't rely on other people, or silly things to make me happy. To be perfectly honest, I wish I had never lost my virginity. I feel like that started a whole new level of shame I had never wanted to reach. I wish I hadn't been so deliberately malicious as a kid- I was really a bitch. All I cared about was my clique, my belongings, my clothes, and boys- and did it ever earn me a reputation. I wish I had spent more time in a church growing up, a little more time having faith rather than trying to find something to believe in. I wish I had worshiped God or something of a Higher Being rather than worshiping men, clothes, money, and things that don't fulfill you! Maybe I wouldn't be so lost today.

Or who knows. Maybe no matter which road I had chosen, I would still be in the same place I am today. I know you shouldn't dwell on your mistakes. I know even the most religious people seek forgiveness and move on with their lives. I know I'm forgiven, the only person that has yet to forgive me is myself. I'm trying so hard to move on, but I'm really stuck. Nothing I've done has helped me to heal, because I don't know where the pain stems from. I could say it comes from all the guys who've burnt me, but really it's so much deeper than that. I couldn't tell you how I got to where I am today, all I can tell you is that I'm searching for a way out.

I feel like no matter what comes my way, I will never be truly fulfilled. And yet, I do have so much to be proud of.

I'm putting myself through school and graduating with a 3.58 (or higher)
I work full-time and take a lot of pride in myself
I've had the same friends since I was in middle school, and we love each other very much
I have a wonderful, supportive family who loves me
I'm very independent for someone who can't do much alone
I'm capable of swallowing my pride for the greater good
I've worked since I was 15, always did my fair share of work
Plus all the silly things like cheer leading and beauty pageants and all those things that people ought to be proud of... Why are they so far from me? Why do they feel so minuscule? Why do I feel so small?