Sunday, December 20, 2009

Families Who Hate You

Call me naive, dumb, or just plain pompous...I thought the whole "dating-your-best-friend" thing was supposed to be easy! For starters, we have an awkward history to say the least (ask us how we met, I dare you!) and we're pretty to ourselves. Don't want no trouble, don't want no bother. But uh, just how quiet can someone be?

Depends who you're asking but if you're his sister or mother you might just be mute. So far, his 2 year old nephew has made the most headway in the communications department, while the 26-year-old sister is on a steady decline. I've never in my life, met people who come off to be so pretentious! Look, I get it. He's you're only son, and your youngest child. He's your baby brother. I'm the youngest too, of my entire family...I GET IT. But dang, cut a girl a break.

I've never met a mother who didn't want or trust me to be her new best friend/daughter-in-law. I've never met a father who didn't flirt with me (one DID take it too far by grabbing my ass once though)... I've had a few friendly rivalries in the older sister department before, but typically it's because I'm cuter and smarter than them.

My boo's family? Not only is rude to me but I might as well just not even exist. Actually they treat him that way, too. The funny part is that years ago, when I was his girlfriends best friend, his mother was nice enough. These days, she can't even complement my boots directly, she has her son tell me that she's admiring my leopard-print rain boots (of course, I would own those!) His sister? Here's how our last conversation went:

Me- Hi
Her- *blank state, silence* followed by her walking away.

Overall, I'd say that went well...Wouldn't you?

HELPPPP. Apparently they hate everyone. How do I go about making myself the exception to this disaster?!


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Have You Seen This: Adorable Video!

Hi-oh bloggy peeps!
So I'm at work (working hard, or hardly working?) and I stumbled upon MSN's top videos of 2009. Sure, we all saw the kid who got his teeth removed "Is this real life?!" and the late "surprised kitten". Cute, cute, real cute. But this one tops them all!

Granted, I have not attended very many weddings in my life (I can count on both hands and for someone who comes from my size of a family thats not a lot). BUT I can honestly say I've never seen anything quite like this:

I'm sorry to be so cheesy but this video made my day! Seriously, how cute is this couple to start off their life together like this? Not for nothing, but a couple with this much positive energy surrounding them is obviously not only totally crazy for one another but they definitely seem like they'll be in love for years to come!

I just had to share!


Monday, December 7, 2009

In Transit: An Insomniac in the Making

Good morning, fellow bloggers. From where I am writing, it is 3:32am...Approximately 3 hours and 32 minutes later than the time at which I had hoped to fall asleep. My alarm clock is set for 8am tomorrow----there is NO avoiding that. I will have to rise and shine to join to world, sleep deprived or not.

So tonight, in an effort to drain myself significantly, I will inform you of my non-boyfriend. Please do not mistake my using this as an opportunity to "drain myself" as a metaphor for the non-relationship...That's not what I mean. Though, its past 3am at this point, who even KNOWS what I might mean!?

I met one of my very good guy friends a few years ago, for the first time at one of my beauty pageants. I couldn't have been older than 19 at most, which means he was 20. At the time, I was dating my ex (who I believe turned out to be gay-more on that later) and he was dating my ex best friend (who now lives with the gay ex in California). Did I lose you yet? Ok, good. So, in June 2007, I broke up with my gay ex (who I didn't know was gay at the time???) and stopped being friends with the girl, because well she basically chose the wrong side of the coin. She started spending all her time with my ex, even though she was still dating my friend, and sooner rather than later they also broke up.

Once everyone was done breaking hearts, it seemed naturally spiteful that the two of us exes would also band together and retaliate against their blatant display of disrespect towards us. But what started out as a stupid immature crusade for an equally blatant display of disrespect towards our exes, developed into one of the most mature, forgiving, and accepting friendships I could have ever hoped for.

I have seen this boy in his worst moments (ex: puking up bile, heart broken by his many exes) as much as he's seen just how two-dimensional I am (ex: side one-exhausted slob, side two-beauty queen). I can honestly say that he is one of the few people who knows me best. For the last nearly 3 years, we have built on our friendship...Not always a constant in each other's lives, but still always there for one another. Last year, when my father was away, it was him who helped me get to class (on his lunch break), or who would check in with me. When his ex broke up with him last year on Valentine's day, I was the one who I substituted for her that night, and we enjoyed an amazing night together.

I think I knew it then, but I was too petrified to act. What would people think? What if I ruined our friendship? Or worse and even more humiliating- what if he didn't feel the same? Nearly a year later now, have things progressed from friend-zone to the this-is-so-not-what-friends-do zone.

In a way, we've always belonged to each other. I have vowed many of times to hurt anyone who ever hurts him. Now I would rather hurt myself than ever see him hurting. I had proof of this the other night when we had the "what are we" conversation for the second time. My only gripe with my man is that he will not commit given the circumstances. He's scared (understandably so) because of my relocating for college. He's also been nothing but supportive about the entire situation and wants nothing but my happiness. I know he doesn't want me to go, and if I didn't know I would resent myself and him in the long run for not going, I'd put it off too.

But I could see it in his eyes the other night when we were talking about what we would do, in the near future, given that our feelings for each other are clearly not temporary...It hurt me to watch him hurt like that. It hurts me that he doesn't believe in this the way that I do, or that he's too bent out of shape to even try. Every time his heart was broken, I was there to pick up the pieces. I understand that it's a scary transition to make. But calling me your girlfriend, isn't going to make it hurt any more when I leave...The pain will be the same, no matter what it is he chooses to call me. In fact, I would think it would hurt even more, if he chose not to label this, and I was free to walk away from him at any given time- no explanation required. I would never, but technically, I could.

So what does one do, what does one do?

I'm hanging on with all I've got.

Friday, December 4, 2009

In Transit: Wasted

So if you follow my sister Roxane's blog at all (I believe most of you do, and if you don't you should---she's infinitely funnier than I am) you know that we are extremely supseptible to alcoholism in this family. We like our wine classy (read: boxed), and our liquor strong (girl bartenders make weak drinks). So after having given up sex for the last 14, nearly 15 months I've decided I'm going to give being sober a fighting chance.

Why?! Why at the hardest point in my life, would I choose to stop doing the one thing that takes off the edge of the everyday stress of two jobs, a failing love life, and my insane family. Why put myself through that? Because I'm sick of avoiding it. Because I don't want to come home to my box of wine because "I've had a rough day anymore". And quite frankly, because I'm getting fat and this crap-ola is getting expensive! I don't want to drink because I'm sad, mad, upset, or stressed which recently, is all I know how to feel. And the most important reason? I don't want to get into the dark, dismal pattern of drinking alone. Unless I find a way to schedule my classes in a fashion that I can commute, the reality is that I'm going to be living by myself. I don't want to be drinking by myself- because happy, sad, stressed, or just bored- that's called alcoholism.

So I'm putting down the drink. I'm staying abstinent (from sex and drinking) for now. And I feel better about myself than I have in a long time, despite my life being a mess. I'm realizing that (as egocentric as this may sound) It's not me---it's "them". I'm not the one causing all the b/s in my life- its school, its him, its work its my crazy mom. The only mess I've created on my own lately is my bedroom, which is suffering from the "Plague of Clean Clothes Not Yet Put Away".

I'm taking control of my life, whether "they" like it or not.
I'm going to do something great...Sober AND abstinent. And I'm going to prove that a good girl gone bad, is NOT in fact, gone forever.


Sunday, November 22, 2009

New Job!

So I had a very exciting weekend! On Friday my girl Alison, who is currently interning at a great sample sale company kept hounding me for a resume to send to her superior. Took me a few hours to find it and send it to her, but by 8:00 that night I had an email from her manager asking me if I could please come in and work tomorrow! I had originally taken off to work for my mom and dad (and by work I mean sit home and watch the dog so he doesn't wreck avoc on the house) so I called up Daddy and got the green light from him.

I also decided that because I had already bought the tickets on Fandango that NOTHING was going to keep me from a night with Taylor Lautner and my beautiful Robert Pattinson <3 The movie didn't end till 12. I rushed home after to find something to wear (dresscode: all black. shocking!) for the next day. Well, 5AM came quickly enough. I jumped out of bed, showered, blew out my hair, got dressed, and hiked the mile to my bus stop. I made the 6:58 AM NYC bound bus. A few stops down, a girl who I used to work with at the hair salon, Emily got on. I love love love Emily, she's an absolute sweetheart, and turns out the new salon she's working at is also in SOHO. We got to the city super-early (8:30, I didn't have to be there till 9:30) so we took our time, got Starbucks, took the train downtown, and she helped me find my loft.

No one got there till about 9:30 on the dot, which was fine by me. Soho is absolutely beautiful, and it's not the kind of area where you have to constantly look over your shoulder. It is, unfortunately the kind of neighborhood where you'll pay $1.50 for a CAN of diet coke and $6.95 for a smoothie :( Eventually, I met my co-worker Nicole (in charge of marketing) and we went up to the loft. When we got there, I was slightly overwhelmed. I didn't know the designers (Mara Hoffman, Isabella Fiore, and Sarah Pacini) all that well,and I don't like selling something that I don't know. The merchandise was absolutely beautiful though, so I figured I'd just wing it! They taught me how to use the P.O.S, and what the job entailed. I thought this was going to be easy.

Now I know why everyone hates working in retail. You're basically chasing people around all day, hoping that they remember your name when they get up to the register so you can get credit for the sale. Other salespeople are straight up grimey and will steal your sales without the bat of an eye! Others will waste 3 hours of your time just chatting you up, and only purchase $550 worth of merchandise, when they started with over $1,000 at checkout. That was how I learned not to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I worked from 9:30am to 6:30pm, and got a half hour break around 4:15pm. By 6:30pm I felt so tired I thought for sure I would collaspe. But the thing is, when they tallied up my sales at the end of the day, it was so worth it (even though I don't get commission).

It was worth it, so that at the end of the day I could laugh with the same people who had felt exactly what I had felt that day. No one treated me as if I was their subordinate, they merely guided me in the direction they needed me to be. It was nice not having to be in charge for once, and letting others take on the more strenuous duties. My job was to make friends with the clients, pick their brains, choose their looks, and get them to buy them...If nothing else, my numbers speak for themselves: I am a dang good sales girl.

I was too tired to take the hike back to Jersey, so I stayed in Long Island. Overall, a very exciting, very rewarding experience. Hope that all goes well and that I'll be working with them again...Because that would mean that things are finally falling into place.


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Running on E

So here's a little-known fact about me. Most people would probably say that they view me as confrontational because I am outspoken, loud, and opinionated. The truth is that I only act that way when the outcome is truly unimportant. For example- if we were to debate politics- we can argue both sides until we're blue in the face- but it doesn't change the country. The truth about me is that I'm actually very non confrontational when it comes to real-life issues-I'd much rather run far far away.

Part of me is guiltily willing to admit that that is part of why I am moving to New York. I need a change of scenery, I need to start fresh. But what I really mean to say is "I need to be ABH (anywhere but here)." New York just happens to be where my chosen school is, a city that I love, and close enough to home that I can come running back if I please.

See it's simple- when things aren't going my way, when things have gone so far off course from where they should be, it's so much easier to escape and start over than it is to tirelessly work as fixing a problem. I mean really, who works at solving things now anyway? The only thing that matters is the outcome. What we experience during our trials and tribulations is no where near as important as the person that these things transform us into. We will forget the hurdles we jumped, but we will always remember the medals we won (or didn't win).

I'm moving to New York out of fear. Out of fear of what will happen to me if I stay here. Out of fear of not having followed my dreams, of turning into my mother. Of never meeting the right person, or worse, staying with the right person for all the wrong reasons. I'm moving to New York to escape the somber reality of my life: I am an out-of-status immigrant, who is working at a dead-end job, and has exhausted all of her opportunities for growth in the town where she grew up. I am moving of New York because I'm sick of living my life in neutral, and accepting mediocrity as a means of payment for the price that is my livelihood.

It's so desperate that it's pathetic. It's so desperate that no one dares to try to stop me for fear of what I might do if I'm trapped here any longer.

It's going to hurt to leave. But I'll hurt even more if I stay. Everything I know about this place is no longer. There is no doting mother, no loving father, there are no more friends that I grew up with. There is my sister, and my aging jack Russell. There are faces of boys that whose gazes I'd rather not meet, and stares from girls I used to be friends with. There is nothing left here.

I'm running on empty.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

In Transit: Poor Immigrant in Search of $$$!

I blame my father for my ability to dream big and the mind that makes me believe that the unthinkable is achievable. I blame him even more for the courage to make me go through with my crazy plans... That's right- I blame him for encouraging me to be a dreamer, a self thinker, and an over achiever.

When I was 18 I thought by now I'd be living with my then-boyfriend in southern california. I'd be doing hair at some high end salon and her be finishing up at some big state university. Wed be married and I would be 3 years closer to my citizenship. It was fool proof: he loved me, I loved him, and who doesn't want to live in southern california?

Secretly, I didn't. I wanted to go to fashion school, right here at home. Where my friends and family live, where we have seasons, and where I don't have to slow my speech pattern to fit in. So I called off all plans by breaking up with him. I knew from day 1 that our coastal differences would eventually cause a rift between us... Plus, he kissed a boy and for that I never forgave him.

So I set out to reach my own goals, and make my own dreams come true. Just me, my GPA, and my full time job. This leads us to present day where I am KICKING myself for not marrying for citizenship.

In a few short months, ill be off to chase my big city dreams with only a few thousand dollars (probably not enough to cover my tuition in full) and an Associates degree. I'm proud of myself for taking the ethical road- if I'm going to make it here its going to be because I did it for me, not because it was handed to me. But I'm petrified! You have to live under a rock not to know how much it costs to live (even in one of the lesser boos) of new york. Add a little over $6000 in tuition alone, plus $550 in rent monthly add the costs of books, food, and the financial aid that I won't receive (despite the fact that I'm basically poor and have stellar grades) and I am in some MAJOR trouble. Short of selling my old non Christian soul on ebay and becoming a stripper I don't know how I'm going to afford this. I could give up food- but school won't do me any good if I'm dead from malnutrition.

I'll take any suggestions you've got...