Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Hiyo Bloggety-peepz! We have a winner for last week's giveaway

Congrats! We hope you enjoy your giveaway :)

Check Roxane's blog for this weeks NEW giveaway- cause even though I've been slackin', I love you guys :0)

Updates soon, I promise!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


Hey there my bloggety-peepz!

It's Wednesday which can only mean one thing: It's time for Blake & Roxane's Hump Day Giveaway!!! This week's giveaway is sponsored by none other than our Momma =)Our mom is a lovely, talented individual- even if we don't always get along like we should! Before we divulge what exactly we're giving away we'd like to say this: We know we don't have babies- we're not even close (unless there's sometime Roxane isn't telling me...) But everyone, knows someone, who has a baby or young child- a lot of our bloggy friends are moms (or dads!) so we thought this giveaway was fitting!

So this week we're giving away an adorable pair of slippers which will fit your lovely babies (she guessed ages 1-3, depending on the size of their little feeties!) feet and keep them nice and cozy! They are reversible (how awesome is that?!), and totally unisex- the yarn is a blend of cream, green, blue, and purple.

I have a pair similar and I can tell you- these things are as cozy as they are WARM, not to mention cute!

So what do you have to do to enter?

Well first things first to be eligible you must follow us. Roxane, myself, or both, it really is, all up to you ;)

We'd also like for you please leave us a comment on this post. Last week we asked you to be creative-to post jokes, random embarassing stories, etc. This week we'd like for you to visit our MOM'S WEBSITE and tell us something that you liked about it. On the left is her gallery, on the right, her knitting section!

Best of luck, Bloggety ones!

Drawing will take place at Midnight EST April 1st, via Random.org

Blake & Roxane

The Assignment I chose to Accept

It's time for my answer to two of Mama Kat's weekly prompt:

What are you putting off right now?
-Showering. I know, I'm gross. But the faster I shower, the faster work is going to creep up on me. I'd rather not work today. I'd rather sit in my bed and read New Moon until Edward Cullen...I wont finish that thought for anyone who hasn't read it yet.
-Shaving. Why bother? Who am I impressing, anyway? I'd rather wax...
-Calling my "best friend" that I haven't spoken to in a week- the phone works both ways last time I checked.
-Cleaning my room. Why? Because my mom asked, after my father specifically told her NOT to address the subject with me, because he already had. Now she can wait.
-Doing my homework. Wow, I'm being a little bum today, aren't I?

4.You can go back to your childhood for one day. What day and age do you choose?
I'm getting chills just thinking about it. I'd go back to age 11. My first ever cheerleading competition, which was actually in the arena of the college I attend now. I didn't have contacts at the time, and I couldn't compete with my glasses on...Regardless, I will NEVER forget my coaches' expressions after I stepped off the floor that day. I'll never forget how proud I was, and how proud my parents were when my coaches told them that they knew I could do it, but they never expected that much from me. But I would give anything to re-live it so I could remember it more.

Cheerleading changed me and changed my life. I learned discipline, I learned to be tough (physically and mentally), and to be a part of a team- even when you're not made to feel particularly welcome. I learned to speak up (literally), and to focus on your strenghts- the weaknesses improve when you're not even looking. I also learned (albeit too late) that fear is good for nothing- if you fear something your fear will come through. I learned that it was ok to be proud of the things I worked really hard for, and to work for the things that I want.

It's funny how things change so much after all these years. Back then, no one expected a thing from me. I was so quiet, so shy, that it was almost like I was dumb. Now, you can't shut my mouth and people's expectations are sometimes out of this world.

It's funny because back then, I didn't know that our family wasn't wealthy. If I had known then, what I know now maybe I wouldn't have complained so much about selling my entire book of raffle tickets to pay off my fees. I wouldn't have asked for dance classes, for gymnastics lessons. But my parents, and my sister were the most supportive people you could ask for. My mom and dad shelled out all of their cash for us to go to the nationals in Florida four years in a row (oh yeah, we were champions!) and Roxane eventually became a coach.

If I had known that some day I would look back and miss it this much- I never would've thought of quitting. I never would've cried over achy knees, a sore throat, or my fear of back handsprings. If I knew then that some day at the age of 20, I'd cry every time I turned on ESPN and saw what I used to be...Well, I would've nurtured my talent a little bit more, and continued cheering.

Despite it all, I have no regrets. Even for an ex-cheerleader, I'm not so bad.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

New Song- Taylor Swift

Why this song? Because I want to show the gratitude I have for the amazing people who are left in my life when all this craziness is taking so much from me. I may not have much, but without my family, a few solid friends, and my job I'd have nothing at all, and I would've given up a long time ago!

Friday night beneath the stars
In a field behind your yard
You and I are paintin' pictures in the sky
And sometimes we don't say a thing
Just listen to the crickets sing
Everything I need is right here by my side
And I know everything about you
I don't wanna live without you

I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well you drive me crazy half the time
The other half i'm only trying to let you know
That what I feel is true
And I'm only me when I'm with you

Just small town boy and girl
Livin' in a crazy world
Tryin' to figure out what is and isn't true
And I don't try to hide my tears
The secrets or my deepest fears
Through it all nobody gets me like you do
And you know everything about me
You say that you can't live without me

I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well you drive me crazy half the time
The other half im only trying to let you know
That what I feel is true
And I'm only me when I'm with you

When I'm with anybody else, it's so hard to be myself
Only you can tell

That I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well you drive me crazy half the time
the other half I'm only trying to let you know
that what I feel is true

And I'm only me
Who I wanna be
Well, I'm only me when I'm with you
With you

Define: Rock Bottom

I'm not quite there yet, but if there was a train headed for Rock Bottom (or Bikini Bottom for you Spongebob fans) I would be strapped to the top of it, too broke to buy a proper ticket.

What's that sound you may ask? The sound of the Rock Bottom Chariot. It's pulling in, 45 minutes late, much like Roxane's did this morning.

Today hasn't been so bad, if I'm being honest. Aside from waking up in a sour mood... I've gotten a lot done today. The phone rang off the hook at work. I answered every call, placed every order, left to-do lists for my employees. I'm on decent terms with my boss, considering the fact that she is currently "annoyed with every single employee."

But school brought some surprises for me. First, I found out I failed my math test. Not miserably, but I didn't do well enough to entertain the idea that I might still pass with anything higher than a C. So I did something that I have never done: I dropped the class.

I decided that since community college has called me back for one semester, for one class, I may as well just drop the class, bite the $300 bullet and re-take it next semester. I'm an A student. I got one C last semester and my GPA went from a 3.76 to a 3.58... I just don't want it going any lower. People think I'm crazy for giving up.

But the thing is I know I would've gone crazy if I didn't stop now. Working seven days a week (97 hours last pay period to be exact) and going to school full-time...On top of being Blake...it's just too much sometimes.

So here I am, in the lab, with just enough energy left to blog about my seemingly pointless existence. I say seemingly because I refuse to believe that I'm here just to be here, to take up space. I know somewhere beneath the annoyance of day-to-daylife , being stuck in this immigration muss, having a bunch of less-than-stellar friends, and a love life that leaves much to be desired, that there must be a reason.

I've decided I'm going to simplify the equation to my life as much as humanly possible:
Work + School + Family + Friends - Drama - Stress - Feeling worthless = Much happier Blake.
And this is why:
Today I met a very youthful-looking, happy-go-lucky, 34 year old mother of three. She only had one piece of advice for me (I must've looked like I needed it, because I didn't really ask) she said: "Don't stress over anything- veryfew things in this life are worth the stress they create. The bills will always be there, the work, will always be there. You might as well enjoy life and forget about the stress. It's not going to get you anywhere."

And she's right. I mean realistically (and I mean this in the least pessimistic way) life shouldn't be taken too seriously...No one gets out alive anyway.


Sunday, March 22, 2009

Ring Ring, it's Blake's Wisdom Tooth Calling

I woke up this morning, and I was in pain for various reasons. The main pain? My phone is ringing and it's my boss. It's also 8:58a.m. and I just fell asleep (read:took cold medicine with sleep aids in it) at 5a.m.

I answered, only to kindly tell her that I would be in at 2, and NO I'm not opening up the salon for her today. I don't care if she has her 5 year old son. It's her business- it's her problem. She's been paying me the same thing for the last 2 years. The least she can do is let a very sick girl get some sleep.

I also woke up with a sharp pain in my jaw. Not unusual for someone who grinds their teeth in their sleep. Unusual however, that it did not go away as it normally would after I crack my jaw a couple times (attractive, I know). I reach back towards my molars with my finger only to find that my first wisdom tooth has arrived.

REJOICE! I am non the wiser, and will be all the poorer for it. I guess I can kiss my next couple of pays goodbye...because they will probably be spent on an oral surgeon.

You know that saying when it rains, it pours? I keep trying to be positive. I have some great things in my life: a family who loves me, a few friends I can count on, a job that (even though I don't get paid what I should) pays relatively well. I'm intelligent, I'm educated, I'm a laundrylist of wonderful. However what I wouldn't give for just another year of what my life used to be like. I mean really, health insurance? What's THAT like?

That said, I'm happy to report that my vicious cold has found a way out of my body...and has left me with a lovely, wheezing, asthmatic-sounding cough.

But enough about my ailments. Ask me some more questions!


Thursday, March 19, 2009

Brought to You by Various Cold Medicines

I'm still not well, but dang it I am bored!!! How many movies/shows/mind-numbing goodness can one watch in a 12-hour period?! I have yet to shower (gross, I know) or change. The only thing I've done today is eat, sleep, drink, and watch TV. Sometimes, I swear God gives me the common cold to remind me that I need some time off.

There used to be a time when I made sure not to work ANY Sundays so I could go to church. Then school started, and I have to work 7 days a week to make enough money to afford to live. I keep saying that God understands, but to be honest I feel really guilty about it. One day a week- and I can't even do that!

A few more random thoughts of the day:
-It's time to embark on my Spring time freak out where I need to lose 20lbs, say oh, yesterday. Does anyone know of any good cleanses? I've been reading about the master cleanse... It sounds more like a master pain in the @$$ than anything else. But I'm desperate for some uhhh..."cleansing" and "jumpstarting" of getting my fat butt in shape.
-I called out of work today, which is big. I can't remember the last time I did that.
-I haven't been to NY in a long time =(
-I hate basically all of my friends with the exception of Blair Vanessa & Brooke.
-I hate all men, with the exception of my dad and I am inclined to treat them ALL like sh*t. Doesn't sound very nice, does it? It's just what I want to do.
-If I met Robert Pattinson, I wouldn't be inclined to treat him like sh*t. I would be inclined to make out with him. Violently. If there is such a thing.
-I want to leave this town. What else is new?
-I wish I was Hannah Montana

This mess of a blog entry brought to you by Dimetapp (Lil Wayne's chosen brand) and Tylenol Severe Cold & Sinus.


Wednesday, March 18, 2009


I'm not feeling so good today but Roxane and I are sponsoring our very first Hump-Day-Giveaway!
Check it out on Roxane's Blog today

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Salon

I've come to the conclusion that my boss is either Satan himself or just on drugs. She is the most bi-polar person I've ever met.

Saturday, my employee and I spent the entire day vacuuming, reorganizing, and throwing out old stuff. We were sick of her talkin' smack about the place looking 'disgusting'. Mind you, I run the cleanest, most upscale tanning salon in the area. I know this for fact, because I'm not shy- I go tanning at other salons all the time. I check out the competition, their beds, and their specials. I am shamele$$. Mostly, because I want to be evil and steal their clients. Muahaha.

So yesterday morning, she came in and without so much as skipping a beat noticed absolutely NOTHING of what we had done. Really, bitch? Like open your eyes!!! The one thing she did notice? One light bulb in one of the track lighting fixtures was out! She then proceeded to tell my employees that it's been out for awhile and she thinks that the reason I haven't done it yet is because I'm too lazy. Too lazy to change an itty bitty light bulb...But not lazy enough to neglect cleaning YOUR entire salon top-to-bottom.

Crack kills, man.

Then, we got a virus on the computer, which costs $192 to repair. She could've easily avoided this fee if she wasn't an absentee owner and actually came in to check out whether or not your Norton's Anti Virus subscription was up (which it was, by the way). She also now thinks she's going to take this out of our pay. The broad has lost it, for realz. She really is insane! She also told me that I'm a "repeat offender" of being online for work. Obviously, you nut job! I'm the one who maintains the Myspace, the email, and all of your other junk that you don't want to deal with!!!

Today, she came in and was all sunshine, rainbows, and butterflies.

At the other location, the employees are convinced she's on drugs b/c her eyes are always glassy, and her mood swings are out of control. Honestly, with some of the stories she's told me before- nothing could surprise me.

Honestly, if she ran her salon the way it ought to be run, I wouldn't say a thing about her personal life. But it's the fact that she mixes her personal and business lives that makes it so difficult for me to muster up an ounce of respect for her! Our pay is always late, (sometimes it's wrong!), she pays majority of our employees minimum wage and expects them to go above and beyond. I've been there 3 years and I still don't make in the double digits- with my commission included.

What I hate most is that she knows about my situation at home, and takes advantage of the fact that her shop is near by, and that although I don't get paid nearly enough to deal with her- the money is still good.

Someday, I swear I'm going to be so much more than this.


Crooks Update

Before I start...If you're unsure of who Crooks is, you may want to read this post otherwise you may not fully comprehend what I'm talking about.

I lasted over a week not talking to him. Not that difficult, considering we went almost 2 years without speaking---but still, not pleasant. So when he called Sunday night, I was inclined to answer. I didn't ...Instead I badgered my best friend for the next 15 minutes trying to figure out whether or not I should call him back.

I did.

Before you knew it, he was in front of my house, and I was getting in his car. As I'm getting into his car, he holds his finger up to his lips as to 'shh' me. Shhh-shadyyy is what I have to say to that! Then I hear "Ok, goodnight, I love you, I'll talk to you tomorrow." To which I said "Who was that, Crooks?" He ignored me, but damn it I was persistent and I wanted to know. He responded by hugging me and telling me he missed me.

I kept asking him and finally I said "Look, Crooky, everyone knows you're still in love with your ex so why don't you go ahead and just admit it. I won't think less of you for it, it's not like I'm going to hate you." To which he sighed and responded "You're right, I do still love her. I can't lie about it."

Well, at least he found something he can't lie about.

But then he proceeded to complain that his hoodie didn't smell like me, why did I wash it, I couldn't even spray my perfume on it? Is this boy on crack?! He then also proceeded to repeat himself, telling me that he loves me. He then said, and you know I know you love me, too.

To which I responded "Yeap, you're right. I love you like the brother I never had. Cause that's how you love me right? Like a sister."

He looked offended and said that "it's a little more than that."

"So, like a cousin?" I said

"No, that would mean I love you a little less."

"Well, then I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how you love me."

Oh, well. You can't say he doesn't deserve it!!! He wants to play games, little does he know Blake was not born yesterday! In the midst of all this, he reaches in his back seat, pulls out a brand-spankin' new (tags still on it!) adorable Burberry 3/4-sleeve polo shirt. He said he bought it for his sister and she didn't want it. I call Bullshit, but I mean come on...I'm a broke immigrant college student. Burberry is not usually a word in my vocabulary unless I'm on Canal Street in Lower Manhattan.

Is it wrong to say that maybe I could deal with the lies if he's going to buy my love? I kid, I kid. Kind of...

The night ended in his friend, Billy joining us. Billy loves me, maybe a little too much for a 40-year-old man. Billy looked at me and looked at Crooks and said "I don't get it man, why don't you just date her already?"

To which I responded "Because, he's in love with his ex"

Billy's face hardened and he said "Yeah, well I keep tellin him, she's good for nothin' and she don't care about him."

And that, ladies & gents, is basically how the night ended.

Am I the only one who's confused here?


Sunday, March 15, 2009


I fly like paper
Get high like planes
If you catch me at the border
I got visas in my name

Well, for any Hova fans out there, you'll know what I mean when I say I'm schemin'. For those of you who are unaware, or justdon't share my appreciation of gangsta rap, here's the urbandictionary definition:

schemin':the act of planning or plotting; devising in an overt or covert manner

Used in a sentence:"Stop schemin' and lookin' hard."

So, what exactly am I up to? Well, since Daddy came home, my mind's been on overdrive. Where to go next? What to do next? It's almost as exciting as it is anxiety-causing. First things first: I'm not graduating this May. I'll have to go back to school in September regardless. Second: Do I apply for an unpaid internship and give up the money I could be making? OR Do I give up just one month at work (as opposed to May-Sept as in intern) to get my identity back in Canada. Hmm, so many options and the time nears for a decision to be made. It could go any which way, but I can practically taste the freedom.

Scenario #1: I apply and am given an internship. This means I'd be working full-time, 5 days a week, at THE biggest fashion publication on the shelves right now. This isn't your average Marie Claire or Elle. This is WWD. The opportunities would be endless---if I was American. As much as I can't afford to lose out on the opportunity to connect with people in my industry I also can't afford to lose $400/wk. Or maybe I can deal without the astronomical tuition payments next semester. Even if they loved me, I don't know if they could get me papers to get me legal. BIG problem. I don't really feel like I have any more time to waste, and I certainly wouldn't want to piss them off because they think I'm a shady immigrant folk.

Scenario #2: I spend a month in Canada and get my papers taken care of. I'd go get my license, social security, health care, etc. Then I come home...With a car, a license, and a little thing called freedom. My own version, anyway. End of story. Free at last, free at last. Oh, right ---except for that whole re-entering illegally thing (which I've never done).

Scenario #3: I stay home this summer, and do the same thing I've always done. I'll just get more frustrated with having the same results I've always had.

Doesn't leave much room for decisions to be made but...What would YOU do? What would you do if you couldn't work, drive, go to school, and live your life- because of a stupid piece of paper. What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and realized that your home, the place where you grew up and lived almost your whole life, is the very place that you're not welcome?

What would you do?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Daddy's HOME! <3 and QUESTIONS!

For anyone keeping tabs on the immigration saga of our family, my Daddy has finally arrived, save and sound, back in NJ. I loved him, missed him, and I am super glad that he is home. I didn't even cringe when my parents kissed, that's how happy I was to see them together, and to know that he was here.

I will sleep easy tonight, for the first time in weeks.

Sorry for the short post, but one of my best friends, Blair is also home from college this weekend, so I have to run, charge my phone, get pretty, & go.

Let's jump on the bandwagon and play this game though:
You can ask me any question you'd like. Just comment on here, and I will answer once I have a substantial amount of questions. I don't bite, I promise =)

Hope everyone's having a fab weekend!


Winner Announced!!!

Heylooo My Bloggety Peepz!

Well it's Saturday, which means I just took about 15 minutes out of my bo0o0oring day to pick a winner from my giveaway.

Are you ready to know who it is?

Ok, well really quick before I announce it, I'd like to say that you're all winners... Ok, ok I'm joking... But really, I would like to thank all of my new followers for not leaving me (yet), and for all the comment-y love. Sorry I've been slacking, I'll definitely get on that over Spring Break.

I'd also like to mention that my beautiful sis Roxane and I are going to be doing a giveaway EVERY WEEK!!! It's going to be on Wednesday- "Hump Day Giveaway" :) You love it, and if you don't then I'm stumped- who doesn't love the opportunity for free shiznat?!

So without further adieu... My winner is...
Angie From Sandals & Daisies!

Congrats =)


Thursday, March 12, 2009

Jersey Gina Makes a Comeback

Oh lawd. Someone pass the midol before I flip the f*ck out. If today got any worse I would've stabbed someone in the juggular. For REALZ, my bloggety peez, I kid you not! Let's recap, shall we?

JG decided last night would be a good night to go out clubbin & drinkin (that's right, no g's at the end of my words). JG's guy friends almost got into a fist fight, which I broke up numerous time. My ex was also in attendance. I hate New Jersey. That's not true. I love it, but I curse it because I swear, I know everyone. Regardless, aside from the fist fights and the ex appearance the night went pretty ok. The alcohol probably helped.

I woke up this mornin with a slamminnn headache, despite havin taken 2 extra strenght tylenol before bed. Turns out alcohol + 5 hours of sleep will do that to you! I realized that I am also BREAKING OUT. This seems silly to anyone who doesnt know me, but last year I had cystic acne literally covering my covergirl side, and I'm not trying to look like a crater face by the time I reach my mid-20's.
How was school today, you might ask? My cheeky 70-some-year-old professor, Joe Bergen (jerkoff) implemented a new rule : NO ONE CAN SPEAK DURING CLASS. Good job, Joe. You really know how to get a crowd going you stupid mothaf*cka.

Then SUPERDUPERPARTYGIRL who is supposed to be my best friend of 10 years and JG decided that they were gonna f*ckin STRAND me at school because neither of them could be bothered to wait for me. So I waited f*ckin 2 hours for the bus to come, and took it to the center of town, where all the illegal immi's chill. Now look, I have nothin against illgal immi's (I sorta fit in) but DANG! Do they HAVE to look me up and down cause I'm the only white girl on the bus?! You gotta make a sista feel welcome, don't judge me cause I take the bus, shietttt. One girl almost got her eyeballz ripped out. Oh snap, when Jersey Gina gets mad, she THROWS down, she is the one chick on the block you DO NOT wanna f*ck with. In the words of Bon Qui Qui "Do NOT Get LOUD With ME OH NO!"

In conclusion. My day was sh*t. I hate my school. I hate this town. Thanks to my school f*ckin me over, I have to stay here even longer. The only piece of good news I've had today, and it is EXCEPTIONALLY good news is that Daddy will be home probably later tomorrow or very early Saturday. I'm estatic and can't wait to see him.

Oh for the love of Pete, pass the midol & the chocolate. Maybe the wine? Someone, help a girl out.

Jersey Gina

Lesson Learned

This is my response to one of Mama Kat's writing prompts for the week. Enjoy, and clicky here to see what everyone else wrote about!

What happened in the last year? Write about something you can do now that you couldn't do a year ago.

2008. The year I learned to just walk away. I've never been one to mince my words. I've never been the girl to sit back in the corner and let life happen to me. That is, until I realized that the life I was creating for myself wasn't the life I wanted to live- and that it's really not up to me. To a certain degree, it is. But the way I see it now is that if I let God guide me, I can't go wrong.

This time last March is probably the last time I ever spoke to my ex-boyfriend. His last words to me (I'll never forget them) "You're even more f*cked up than I thought you were." There was no break up, no more phone calls, nothing. He disappeared (once again) but this time, he never came back. I don't know quite why, but I was heartbroken beyond repair. I obsessed over him, every second of every day. I spent majority of my time around places where he would be, enlisted my friends in driving me past his house- you name it, I stalked it. And then one day (I still don't know when, exactly) it hit me. He knew I was too good for him: aside from the fact that he nearly got me killed (almost-drive-by-shooting!), he was 26, divorced, a father to two adorable kids who he never saw, and a for the lack of a better word, a bum! No car, no job, a gambling, drinking, and drug problem and a thief to top it all off... I was 19, in school full-time (all A's), working full-time, paying my bills, and doing my good girl thing. We always joked about being complete total opposites, and then one day I realized that it wasn't funny at all. I'm still trying to forgive myself for not walking away from someone who treated me so badly, and caused me to drift from all the people I love the most- my friends and family. It's been one hell of a journey, but I'm really trying.

I've dated at least 4 guys since then- one short-term boyfriend, the rest you would just say I was 'dating' for a short period of time. None of them worked out. Not only because they were kind of jerks, but I think it's mostly because I'm still not ready. I know it, deep down but I don't want to accept it. I walked away, now in 2009, I need to learn to let go, and forgive. I have to forgive others for the way they've vexed me, and forgive myself for allowing them to.

I am learning though. My first boyfriend (from when I was 15) is still somehow convinced that we'll marry someday. I no longer return his once-friendly calls and texts- I know his intent. I told him I've forgiven him, and though I'm still trying to forgive myself for allowing him to treat me the way he did- I have moved on.
If only I could be as kind to myself as I am to those whom I love, I'd be in very good shape.

But I haven't always been so kind- there are more things I regret from 2008- like the friends I chose vs. the ones who I sort of left behind. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but sometimes I wish things had worked out a little bit differently. The short of the story goes like this: my two best friends were both going for the same guy, one was there first the other one followed and did not heed my warning NOT to go for this guy. I was pissed that she ignored me and even though it felt wrong, I still stood up for the other girl (I guess out of spite for not having listened to me). I still feel horrible about it to this day, even though I know my friend has forgiven me, mostly because our friendship is so different now.
What else? Well, so much yet so little has happened in the last year- immigration wise. I suppose you could say we're no better off than we were, but I feel stronger and more determined than I ever did. 2008 left me craving my independence from others and from the Us immigration system- 2009 is going to be my year to make it happen.

2009 is a year to make a lot of things happen. A year of perseverance and forgiveness- this time, for myself. This time last year, I was struggling to walk away from people who hurt me and didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated. This year I'm running for the hills, kicking @$$ and taking names! I'll leave a few examples

In relationships: I found out someone I was seeing tried to date one of my friends who I've known since elementary school. I confronted him (face-to-face, it was epic) deleted his phone number and it's over. When people ask me about him, I simply grimace and tell them that no, we don't talk. Why? Because he's a scumbag. Why sugarcoat the reality? The hottest guy ever who I had a great first date with who stood me up for date #2? Deleted his number and did not return his texts. My "best guy friend" who's living a lie? Sent him to voicemail the other day, did not return texts. Still not 100% sure what I'm going to do about it- but it's 50/50 right now that I will simply walk away.

At school: I found out that I'm not eligible to graduate- by 3 credits! First, I freaked out, even went as far to talk to the Dean. There is nothing they can do. I'm going to look into taking the class over the summer at another school, if they'll let me. If not, I'll walk away. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe taking one class at my current college in the fall is a blessing in disguise. I could use a few more months of working without having to pay off school to save up for life in the big city. And if I don't get accepted to FIT now, I have better odds of getting accepted in Spring. Another example? In marketing last week, my professor basically told my friend and I that we talk too much but didn't say anything to the SIX GIRLS who were loudly discussing directly behind me. So I pulled him aside after class to let him know that I didn't find it humorous (which he told me he intended) and that I didn't appreciate being treated like I was in grade school. Sorry buddy, but my hard-earned money signs your pay check and pays your bills. I'm going to talk, and not only are you gonna shut up- you're going to like it.

At home: I had just turned 20 and my parents decided to enforce a 1:30am curfew. I just walked away. Why fight it? I could use the sleep anyway.
At work: My boss is a cheap bitch. There's nothing I can do about it. Depending on the situation at home around May/June, I'm scheming to take care of some business this summer. Not that I'm trying to screw her, but maybe it wouldn't hurt her to see and for once, appreciate ALL of her employees.

I'm sure this doesn't even do justice to my crazy life, but it is at least PART of what I have learned, and I've gone on long enough.

Ok, Bloggy friends- what have YOU learned this year?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


I don't write about my family a whole lot. I am notorious for not being able to discuss the things that affect me the most. I love my family very much but it's very difficult for me to talk about them, even if I'm saying good things. I'm going to dedicate this entry to my dad.
This is the longest I've gone without seeing my Dad probably my entire life. Growing up, I remember my Dad getting me ready for school (mom worked full-time at a hospital, and dad did too). I remember him making me hot dogs with melted American cheese and tons of ketchup, and watching the Flintstones together before I went down for my afternoon nap. Despite all this, I always felt that my dad and sister were closer, and it bothered me. But it was always that way- I've always been my momma's girl and Roxane's always been daddy's- its not that we favor them or they favor us...It's odd to explain but- my sister and my mom have some similar traits (sorry, Roxane) and the only temper known to man to rival my father's is mine. Jersey Gina wasn't born yesterday, ya'll- she's 20.5 years in the making.
When I was 7 my dad moved to the US for a job opportunity. He stayed here for 9 months while my mom worked, sold our house, and took care of us girls as best she could. Momma was a trooper, and Roxane was the most responsible (albeit stressed) 12-year-old you ever could've met. I just felt sad, a lot of the time. I didn't want to move, I missed my daddy, and I just wanted him to come home and make me my damn hot dogs and braid my hair. He used to come home every 2 weeks to see us girls- drove 500 miles each way to spend the weekend with his girls. Sometimes, people don't understand why we're so close- because I know that my father loves us 3 girls more than anyone ever could.
In may of 1996 we moved to New Jersey. For the first month, we lived in a one-bedroom apartment with 2 dogs and just about all of our belongings. After tons of searching we found the perfect home. We lived there for almost 10 years, and given the opportunity, I'd move back there any day. But with a new house and a new car (because our old one broke down) Dad had to work some more. I don't remember seeing much of my dad after we moved to Jersey. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe my memory doesn't serve me right- but it's how I feel. By the time I reached middle school he spent most of his weeks out-of-town- Dallas, San Francisco, San Diego, Seattle, anywhere but home- you name it he was there. I missed him so much. I fought back tears every Monday on the school bus because that was the day I would see him get into his limo for work and leave until the end of the week. The next week would be more of the same. Times were hard but he always made sure Roxane and I didn't go without. We started working young, but he made sure we had everything else and all the opportunities other American kids had. When we had a problem with a teacher at school, he'd go in, dressed in a suit and tie and scare the crap out of them. I used to laugh in my teacher's faces in high school if they said they were calling home :"Go ahead, call home. My mother doesn't speak English and will probably hang up on you. And my Daddy's never home. If you do happen to reach him, he'll be mad that you wasted his time. It's your word against mine. You don't stand a chance." (Mhmm, I was a little Jersey Gina Snot Nose)
If I had known then that my dad's work was a blessing and not a curse, I would've appreciated it more. Around 2004/2005 my dad lost his job for real- there would be no more Visa's no more limousines, none of that. It took him awhile to accept it, but eventually my parents came to a conclusion: They would sell the house, but remain in the United States.Now, let me be clear: my parents are angels. They could have easily tore me out of my Junior year of high school and shipped the lot of us back to Canada, where the welfare and health care systems are "good". They could've easily put their feet up and called it quits- but they didn't. They stayed here for Roxane and I, and I think that's the major reason why we will never quit.
My dad started delivering pizza for a living. I was so ashamed, I prayed he wouldn't be the one to deliver to my high school football game, or to my work, or to one of my friend's houses. If I only knew then what I know now. I would never be ashamed or embarrassed of what my dad does for a living (unless he was a gigolo or something) today, because in this economy you do what you have to to survive! Blame it on being young and snotty- but we went from having a Jaguar to having a big white commercial van- I was in shock!
Today, I can appreciate what my father does for my family. I can appreciate the 60-70 hours a week he puts in when he's working, that the bills are paid on time, that he lives paycheck-to-paycheck to put a roof over our heads. I can appreciate the food in the fridge, and the hot water in the morning.
I miss him so much right now, and hopefully Daddy will be home later this week. Recently, my dad's driver's license expired, and without the proper paperwork, he couldn't renew it. So he drove with it anyway. Drove me to work, to school, anywhere I needed to go. He got pulled over once, got a ticket. Twice, got a ticket, and the third time was asked to show up in court. In court, they basically tore him a new one and told him to get his act together and provide a solution to the problem (yes he told them the truth). So my dad packed his bags and headed to the Great North in February and has been there since. I've never heard the man cry so much. He just wants to come home.
My dad is my best friend, my rock. Him not being here reminds me of how much I miss cuddling up to him, with the popcorn and watching a UFC fight. I miss him givin a me a big hug before I go to sleep and tellin me "I love you, oh believe me I love you...More than you could know." I miss him threatening to kill my ex boyfriend who stalks me, and callin all the losers I date jerkoffs. I miss him and his stories about growing up on a farm. I talk to him every day, but it's just not the same as seeing his face. I can't wait to see him.

True Story of a Daddy's Girl

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


In lieu of having our first Hump Day Giveaway, Roxane and I made the executive decision to hold my giveaway until the end of the week. You can enter till 11:59pm Friday March 13th =) Wino-Mom and I will draw the winner on Saturday!

"What is Hump Day Giveaway?" you might ask... Well, we decided we like giving so much that we want to do a once-weekly giveaway! Sometimes it'll be big, small, silly, but we started making a list and let me tell you, we've got some really good stuff! Heck, we might even be open to suggestions. Just remember, we're desolate immigrants, so we can't always give as much as others do. But we'd like to think it's the thought that counts! Besides, we need all the good karma we can get ;)

So for all of our new followers, we hope you guys stick with us- it's going to be fun. We lead semi-hectic lives, but we update all the time (I'm sure you noticed) and (I may be biased but I think) we're fun!

Hope you all loved your Spring Fling

A few of my favorite sites

That's about as close as a head shot of me that you're going to get ;)
Here's how I did it. Come on, tell me you never wanted to be on a billboard or magazine!!!

Just in case you ever wondered if your's and Brad Pitt's offspring would look better than his and Angelina's...You can also check out Morph Thing

Oh and for cute, cheap clothes (or just inspiration) I troll on Go Jane!

I'll edit this post when I remember more fun things I like to waste my time (and my employer's money) on =)


The Story of My Life

A little bit of how today went for me:
- I got less than 5 hours of sleep last night because I couldn't make sense of the Gauss-Jordan Elimination system.
- I woke up to my mom telling me I was going to be late for work. Before my alarm went off, which aggravates me to no end.
- I got ready for work, arrived 5 minutes late. I did what I had to do and then further settled into my finite maths. My boss came in a ripped me a new one because there was salt (the kind you put on pavement) on the floor and I apparently, did not do a very good job of vacuuming it. She then proceeded to say "No offense.." and as I braced myself to be offended, she continued to say "...But I'm sending the spa manager to be trained here for a few days a week. I want her to know how this place works because...Well, it's not that you're not doing a good job, it's just that it would help me and I don't think your employees take you seriously." It took every ounce of will power in my body not to snap back at her and explain that just because I'm not a tyrant like she is, doesn't mean I'm not a good manager.
- I laughed because I remember that the spa manager WANTS to work at the tanning salon because she doesn't enjoy the working environment created by HER OWN employees. I immediately felt better.
UNTIL my unreliable friend texted me to say that "there was no way she was going to make it to class" because she "overslept". Mind you, this is an hour and a half before class begins! There was plenty of time. But she's unmotivated and unreliable- thus she doesn't care.
- I had no ride to my 1:30pm class which means I missed the entire math course, which I'm already struggling with.
- I did however, manage to finish my math project and email it to my group so that they could hand it in. Is it correct? God only knows.
- My co-worker offered me a ride to school so I could get to my guidance appointment on time. I arrived 15 minutes late. My counselor was nice enough about it, but then he dropped this bomb on me:
"You're missing 3 credits for graduation in Marketing."
If this were a movie about my pathetic life this is where you would here the record, scratch, the pin drop, and if you really have good hearing I'm 99.9% sure you'd hear my heart breaking as my dreams shatter. Ok, maybe that's a little dramatic. But 3 years and 60-some-odd credits later I'm not eligible for graduation?! REALLY?! Just how bad is my luck?!
- Apparently, this is how bad it is: Not only am I missing Marketing 105, but it's only offered in the fall semester (not summer, no independent study, nothing). That means I'd have to delay going to F.I.T until Fall 2010 (they don't accept Spring transfers). There are also no substitutes for Marketing 105 which transfer to FIT. If I was going to substitute it, it would be Marketing 101 -which is ridiculous when you look at my transcript and can clearly see that I've taken higher-level marketing courses before. My professor took me to the Dean to explain the situation and she said she'd consider letting me sub the class- if it transfers to FIT. Which of course, because -c'est l'histoire the ma vie- it does not.
- So basically, this leaves me with 3 options, none of which I'm particularly fond of:
1. Take Marketing 101 in the summer term (which goes until June 29th- taking up my prime beach time) and walk at the graduation ceremony in May. I would have my Associate's but not all of my credits would transfer to FIT.
2. Wait until fall and take Marketing 105. This would delay me to attending FIT to Fall 2010.
3. Based on the assumption that I am accepted to FIT, I would have to take the course there.

But now, who even knows if I'll get accepted there without such a basic class. I want to know, who in the he1l is responsible for this?! Oh thats right, according to the Dean, I'm at fault for being negligent of the courses I would need to graduate.

Seriously, FML.


ps- I don't know how I'm getting home from school tonight. Hooray!

SITS Spring Fling! =)

Ok, I decided to do a giveaway! I'm giving away one copy of
"The True and Outstanding Adventures of the Hunt Sisters" by Elisabeth Robinson
A 2oz bottle of Poopouri!

If you don't know what poorpouri is, I'll give you a hint.
"Spritz the bowl before you go, and no one else will ever know!"
It's not an air freshener like febreeze "that try to mask odor, Patent Pending Poo~Pourri is designed to be sprayed directly onto the toilet bowl water before you go! The all natural essential oil secret formula creates a barrier to embarrassing bathroom odors!"

It's awesome and perfect for the stench of male poo, too!

How to Enter:
*If you already follow me (Kati, Pwn Star, Sweetsue, Emalee, Roxane I got you girls covered) = 1 entry
*If you start following me now & let me know= 1 entry
*Start following my sister and let me know via comment = 1 entry
*Leave me a comment on this post = 1 entry
*Comment on any other post = 1 entry

For most of you that gives you 4 chances to enter, some of you get 5!



Ps- My mom will be randomly choosing the wino, I mean...winner.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Early Tuesday

Today, I'm going to prove myself my own strength. Sometimes, not answering that phone call (and letting silence speak for you) is easier than going "Jersey Gina" on someone and telling them how you really feel. Sometimes, you have to find solace in knowing that silencing that ring tone is really the only thing you can do about it.
If you've been following me at all, you might guess this is about Crooks, who has now been renamed as Sh*thead Jerk*ff in my phone. He texted me at 10:33pm saying
"Mama what u doin" to which I did not respond. He also called at 12:05am. No voicemail. Good, I don't have to hear his voice. He has no idea that I know what I know. He might never find out. I want to say something, but where does one even begin, if at all? I'm so tempted to give him the opportunity to come clean. Mostly because I never did the last time this happened. He could either surprise me, and tell the truth, or he could just disappoint me all over again. For someone who's been so concerned about not wanting me out of his life for another 2 years, he's sure done a lot to keep me at bay. It's so funny how history repeats itself. Rumors tore us apart back then, am I wrong for letting them tear us apart now? Is it wrong if I don't give him the opportunity to come clean? But I mean for what? More lies? For him to dig deeper, and make a bigger fool of me? Lies. Lies, of all things. The only thing that's worse than lying is abandonment. How could he? Just, how?
Anyone who knows me personally knows how hard it was not to answer that phone call, not to respond to that text. I'm so tempted to change my phone number. The naive Blake on the inside wants to believe that there is good in everyone. My mind is begging me to be rational and my heart is practically jumping out of my chest.
Some day I'll learn. I'm not the exception to the rule, I am the rule.

Bloggy readers, what would you do?


Mellow Monday

Today I woke up and I decided I'm not going to allow my pain and disappointment in others to define me. I'm going to try my best to have a good week. I'm going to grab the bull by the horns, make sure my H/S transcript gets to FIT, do my stupid math project, do what is asked of me at work. And I'm gonna be happy, damnit. I'm going to try my best to be a better person than I was last week. Or at the very least, to be happier. Does it really have to be this hard? Dad always told me that happiness was a fleeting moment, but this is getting to be slightly ridiculous!

On a lighter note one of my best friends, Bia turns 21 today :) which is exciting because I turn 21 exactly 5 months from tomorrow!!! Bia and I have been friends since we were 11. If you told me that someday we would see 21 together, I would've laughed in your face. But here we are! Happy Birthday, Bia! Love you long time!

I posted No Envy, No Fear by Joshua Radin as my "Song of the Week" (stole that idea from Emalee *waves* hi!) mostly because it calms me down when the last thing I feel is calm. But hey, I googled him to get an image for my blog, and behold he's pretty good looking. I mean, really. Between the voice, and that lovely head of hair he's got, who could resist. Unless he's short. Height always seems to be a deal breaker once you're over 5'8"

I should probably get on that Gauss-Jordan Elimination.
How about I eliminate myself from the equation, thus solving the problem?
No? No takers?
I guess it's back to work for Blake.


Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Britney Spears Paradox

Summer 2007- I had just broken up with a long-term boyfriend (my high school sweetheart, I guess you could say. I was totally vibrant, think Britney Spears circa her and Justin Timberlake. She was America's sweetheart, I was the Jersey Shore's. I partied a little bit too much, and made a few mistakes. By the time the end of July came around, I wasn't feeling like myself. I pulled a Britney. I dyed my hair medium brown. I shocked the world around me by doing so. I was platinum blonde prior to that. People didn't understand why, and I didn't either. I know now what I didn't know then- it was just another (failed, pathetic) attempt to run away from myself.
Fall 2007- My friends came home from college for Thanksgiving, to find me with a very dark brown, almost black head of hair. The gasped in shock, and asked why. I didn't know. I didn't care. I had a new boyfriend, and he seemed to like me just fine the way I was. They asked me about this boyfriend of mine, and gasped some more when I explained that he was 26 (I was 19), divorced, and had two children (no custody). If they thought that was bad, I should've explained his gambling troubles, refusal to pay child support and alimony, and oh yes, his drug dependency. It wasn't long until he earned his nickname- KFED.
Winter 2008- KFED and I broke up. I've been trying to find myself ever since, and every one is rooting for my comeback.

What's so funny is that from the inside looking out, that's how I see myself. What's not so funny is that hardly anyone on the outside looking in can see the truth.

Fine, I'll be honest

Ok, so maybe I have a reputation for not always saying how I feel. I'm a different person in "bloggy world" than I am in the real world. In the real world, I would never be so bold as to wear my heart on my sleeve. I would never have the nerve to say how I really feel. But I guess that's why I joined the bloggy world... Because even if you were to judge me (which no one should be, right?) you still don't really know who I am.

My head is spinning. I'm so overwhelmed I don't know where to begin. Music is my only escape. Every time I try to turn to God, I don't feel the same I used to. I can read the bible, I can listen to the songs- but it's like me & Him are in the middle of an intense conversation and then I drop the call. By the time I reconnect with God, I lost my train of thought, I'm exhausted and I "hang up". This is the calm Blake speaking, thinking somewhat rationally.

Wait for what comes next.

Oh no, Angry Jersey Gina (my alter ego) is surfacing: "FINE, ya wanna know how I really feel! Let me tell you. First of all, work was a f*cking drag today, I don't think I'm makin' enough money. Then I come home and my motha and my sister can't f*ckin speak to eachother, and my dad ain't here to regulate. Quite honestly, I still f*ckin hate this him being gone bullsh*t. I hate my godfather for the retarded sh*t he says about my grandmother and truly hope he beats her to the grave (if you know what I mean). I wanna strangle the sh*t out of CROOKS for being such a shady mothaf*cka and lying, I swear if I could take out his godd*amn knee caps, I would. Filthy f*cking liar, trailer-living, mama's boy, low-life, mothaf*cka. Then on top of all this f*ckin garbage, I got a math project that I didn't f*ckin start and yeah, I know "math partner" it's due TUESDAY. Thanks for the text messages reminding me you stupid b*tch, I'm slow, not irresponsible, f*ckin girl. Oh, and I have no f*ckin money. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. F*CKIN FABULOUS

Ok, I'm done. Now I get to go back to being normal Blake. :)
You know when you just need to flip out and let it all out? I just pretend to be someone else so I don't embarrass myself.

Back to work on the Gauss-Jordan elimination.


ps- I'm not crazy, just slightly dysfunctional ;)
pps- Jersey Gina tends to appear more when I'm drunk. Tonight, I was sober.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Liar, Liar Pt 2

So, I'm lucky enough to have a job that allows me to be very social. My staff is filled with estrogen, and so is most of my customer base. We talk about everything- there is no taboo subject in a tanning salon! So, I was telling one of my client-friends about the situation (which she had been following), and she asked if I had a picture to show her. I showed her his myspace page, and as she's saying "Well, at least he's cute..." this look of shock and disgust crosses her features as she exclaims "WAIT! THAT'S MY COUSIN!" Now, my dear bloggy-friends...Know that this is l'histoire de ma vie aka the story of my life! This would only happen to me! She then went on to say "I'm so sorry, oh Blake I don't want to be the one to tell you this but he's a liar." As we got deeper and deeper into the conversation she confirmed my fears. He lied about his last name (which I knew, because to be honest I always had a hunch that he was and I had looked at his car registration one night while he stopped to get gas). He lied about what he does for a living (he doesn't own a construction company, he drives trucks for a furniture store). He even lied about his religion!
At first, I laughed. Mostly because this is so Blake. This is just so my luck. Then it all sunk in. The person who I thought I could count on, not only showed me that I couldn't count on him, but now was caught in this web of lies. Even if I wanted to believe that he loved me, how could I? All he ever did was lie to me.
But maybe the worst part of this is that his cousin (my friend) is truly at a loss for what to say. Her instincts tell her that he's as messed up as the rest of his family. But what I've told her raises doubts in her mind.
Regardless, it seems all bets are off now. He seems to still be hung up on his ex, and I'm apparently not worth the truth.
The quote I posted at the top of this entry is exactly how I feel. Did he think I would care for him any less if I knew he lived in a trailer, drove a truck for a living, had a crazier last name, and was a Jehova's Witness? Did he really think so low of me to think that I wouldn't look past those things (some of them which I already knew)? Or did he just not care enough to put the truth out there?
Either way, it hurts me. And to be honest, the religion thing bothers me the most. I was raised Catholic and I'm not ashamed of what I am. I think if you love God and you are choosing to accept Jesus, you shouldn't be ashamed- now that's living a double life, heck thats living a LIE and that's a big lie to live.
I guess I'm going to leave this one up to God because I'm really out of words.

I just want to know why me?
And Only God Knows Why.


Liar, Liar

So yesterday, I posted a blog about someone who I said lives a double life that could rival mine. I don't even know where to begin. I guess we'll start in 2007- which is when I first met this person.
Initially, we didn't get on so well. Our best friends were dating at the time, and after a failed attempt at dating my best friend's boyfriend's cousin, I got stuck with Crooks. Crooks is ultra- Euro. So much so that I was incline to think he was gay. The way he dressed, the way he spoke, I mean I am by no means homophobic but it annoyed me. I had to go out with these people all the time, and I was stuck with the guy who wasn't going to like me because he liked men. Or so I thought. After a few meetings and a truce not to make fun of each other anymore, I realized that this guy was going through a lot. He was 24, with a long-term girlfriend in another state, and she was (to my best understanding) a b-i-o-t-c-h. She demanded the most ridiculous things, for example: "I want a range rover by the time I graduate college!" This girl was at best, delusional! I mean to be real, Crooks is a mama's boy, and he lives in a trailer. But I'm jumping ahead.
By the end of summer 2007, I spent more time with Crooks than I did with the girl who introduced us (my then-best friend who turned out to also be psychotic). By the end of summer, him and his ridiculous, demanding girlfriend were definitely on the outs. We spent all of our nights together, and never crossed that line, until the night that he kissed me. That kiss spiraled into the most vicious rounds of rumors, name calling, and overall mayhem. I had mutual friends calling me, referring to him as my 'boyfriend' telling me that I was "in love" with him. This made me so angry, I can't even begin to explain. So I did what any immature, overly self-conscious 19 year old would have done- I cut him out of my life.
We spent the next year avoiding each other as much as humanly possible. It wasn't so difficult- our best friends broke up. We still knew a lot of mutual people. Sometimes it got ugly- I once smacked his best friend across the face, one purposely spilled his drink while he wasn't looking and called him by a colorful array of names. I was hurt. The person who I thought I could turn to had betrayed me- all for a kiss!
Fast forward to January 2009- we're both outside the place where we first met (a convenience store we both frequent when there's nothing else to do). I'm walking out and he's glaring at me. He rolls down his window and calls me over to his car and asks me "Can I just ask you something? What happened? Why did we stop being friends? Why did we stop talking?" I gave him some vague reasoning and we exchanged numbers again. Later that night, we started texting back and forth, he said he missed having me to talk to, and had been through a lot. He also said that he was done with his ex. We made plans to hang out and catch up face-to-face.
When we hung out, all felt right again. It was like the good old days. We joked, we caught up, we encouraged each other to keep going- which we've always done. To say that we know everything about each other is an understatement. Today I know that I only know what he wanted me to know- and even that is debatable. I'll never know now if the things he said to me were true or just another batch of lies.
February 2009- I was seeing someone and noticed that every time I approached Crooks for advice, he seemed to get annoyed, jealous, or just down right hurt. I also noticed that he would retaliate by telling me about the girls who were 'crazy' about him or what not. At the time, it didn't phase me. Then, things ended up not working out with the guy I was seeing. Mid way through the month (right after Valentine's Day, actually) Crooks told me that he loved me. I've never heard him tell anyone that he loves them, except his ex. I didn't know what to say. I knew that all these years, there had always been a little more beneath the surface of our friendship, and I knew he didn't mean friendly love. We had always joked about getting married (mainly so I could get citizenship), but now he was questioning it. In conversation he asked if I would ever consider really marrying me, and when I said "Why are you asking me this? I don't know!" he said, "you know I'd take good care of you." He wasn't joking. I could hear it in his voice. I think I hurt him by not letting him know how I felt, but I needed some time to absorb it. Almost two weeks went by. He didn't want to hang out anymore, and except for some late night phone conversations it was like he disappeared out of my life. I was hurt. He knows my sister got denied her visa, he knows my Dad hasn't been here. He knew I was going threw so much. It killed me that he couldn't be the friend he had always been, and be there for me. He was one of the only people I could turn to- having been an naturalized citizen himself, I just wanted to know that I wasn't so alone. That someone outside of my family, GOT IT.

Friday, March 6, 2009

I thought I had a double life!!!

I get down on myself sometimes, thinking I live a double life! With immigration and stuff, sometimes I feel like I have to conceal who I really am. I'm so afraid of being judged, people actually caring about what I am that I forget that 95% of the time, people aren't even thinking about me. Anyway.
I found out yesterday that one of my "best friends" literally lives a lie. He lies about his last name, what he does for a living, even the people he "loves" and his RELIGION (of all things!) He lies about everything. Go figure! One of the people I thought I could trust the most turned out to be a pathological liar. I mean really?! Just how bad is my luck going to get? Do I even want to test it?
I'm done, I'm sorry. I know it's not good to give up this way but I just think people these days are ridiculous. You think you know someone and then somehow they get caught in a lie or they reveal something about themselves which leaves you dumbfounded.
I thought I knew you. And honestly, it hurts me so much. The person who I thought I could turn to when I can sleep at night- isn't the same person I just found out existed. Our entire friendship and the relationship that seemed to be developing is based on LIES! I could never look at him the same, I could never respect him the way I did 2 days ago. Everything is changed and he will never understand, he can't ever even know to what extent he's been busted. And the worst part is, when you're lying about things that serious, you don't see anything wrong with it. A liar will always be able to come up with a lie to justify their past lies. It's such a vicious cycle.

Really though, it makes me wonder. My sister and I go through so much and we're so candid and so open. So why can't people who (maybe) don't have it as bad be just as open? Why lie? How bad can your life possibly be that you have to fabricate an entirely separate persona.
I guess I shouldn't be blogging...After all, I do sign with an alias.


Thursday, March 5, 2009

Run to Write

I made a deal with myself to start running again & eating better today. I didn't expect my run to clear my head the way it did. This morning, I was adding people to my sister's facebook cause, and I noticed that I was still avoiding inviting certain people. Why? We need all the support we can get at this rate. Who cares if that person disliked me in high school? Who cares if they no longer acknowledge me in public? If they don't want to see me on their newsfeed, they should have deleted me by now. Today, I decided that I'm not going to be ashamed of where I come from, or what I am. Why should I be? These weren't my choices to make, and the only thing I'm trying to do now is get MY life together.

I tend to have an over-active imagination. My sister told me today that she thought we should contact the Congressman in NJ, Chris Smith to endorse the letters I'm going to be writing. My letters are going to be sent out to Oprah, The View, Tyra Banks, I mean I'll send them to anyone who's willing to listen and to shed some light on the flawed immigration system that my family (along with millions of other families) is suffering from. I'm even thinking of doing a small video segment. I want to show this country that even in some of the most affluent areas, illegal immigration is a major problem, that needs to be solved asap. I know some neighborhoods in this town where there are 16 people living under one roof, sometimes more! It's the only way these people can afford rent- now go ahead and tell me that it's humane. We don't even let animals live that way in this country! If no one else wants to take a stand and speak, well then I will. God gave me my gift of writing and made me a loud mouth of a reason, and today I think I know what it is.

I'll fight till the death of me, if need be.
But people will know my story. And my family's struggles will not go unheard.


Wednesday, March 4, 2009


Oh, life can be so ironic sometimes. My sister (who played hooky from school today) and I were talking this morning and she said to me: "I made friends with a Mexican on the train the other day." (side bar: we are nowhere near racist) I started laughing and then responded "Me too!". She might post her story later, so I don't want to tell her story on her behalf. But I figured I'd share mine.

Because I can't drive to and from school, and because my friends are at best semi-dependable, I have to take the bus home from college on Friday mornings. Sometimes I run to catch it to make sure I'm at work on time. It took me a long time to swallow my pride and deal with having to take the bus. I mean for serious? If the government knew what they were doing to my self-esteem by making me ride this thing, they might pity me more! I know, I know. It's just a bus, and I shouldn't let that define me. It's just embarassing because you have to know where I'm coming from. I live in one of the richest counties in New Jersey. Majority of my friends have pretty, shiny, new vehicles. I'm taking the bus. And to boot, I'm the only white person on the bus. I'm really not trying to make this about race- but I know they're judging me because I've had people say it straight to my face before.

Regardless. Last week, I took the bus into the town center, where all the illegal immigrants go to find work. I'm not kidding. That's where the bus drops me off, and where I have to take another bus to my job. I was outside waiting for a good 15 minutes when my new friend said to me:
"It's cold."
Me: "Yes, very cold."
N.F: "You waiting for the bus?"
Me: "Yes. You?"
N.F: "Yes"
Me: "Where are you from?"
N.F: "Mexico. You?"
Me: "Canada. You legal?"
N.F: "No. You."
Me: "Nope."
And it went on and on until the bus came and we parted ways. We chatted about families, about my Daddy being in Canada, and how messed up the system is. If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be at a bus stop, in the "zone", talking to a Mexican, I would've laughed in your face and asked you "Do you know who I am?"

I suppose it's God's way of a small dose of humility. For me, and my family. You see being raised in the US, we were still legal. We were functional, contributing parts of this society and economy. I was basically raised to believe that illegal immigrants are not really worthy of being here, and overall a drain on society. Then I became something like one. And now I understand. Now I understand that while some of these people (the criminals, the gang members, those who only work here to send money back) don't deserve to be here, some of them are just here trying to get by. A lot of us have invested everything we have in the promise of the American dream, and believe me, immigrants these days are built American tough.

These last few weeks have been very difficult for myself and my family. Each day is it's own rollercoaster. But when I think about it, I know we stand a chance. Even if it's a fleeting chance in Hades, it's still ours to take. That being said, I'm going to start trying to raise more awareness for this cause. I think President Obama needs to factor immigrants into the economic equation. I think he needs to encourage them to come out of the shadows, pay taxes, and become American. I think we need more secure borders and better relationships with both Mexico and Canada. Illegal immigrants, and those who are out of status need an opportunity to make it here, because otherwise we're still not going anywhere. You can shun us, you can take away everything we have- it doesn't change a thing. The minute we leave this place is the minute we lose it all.


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Terrible Tuesday

My sister and I were on the way to my work today and I decided that today is indeed, Terrible Tuesday. Mostly because I ran out of contact solution last night and my eyes are BURNINGGGGGGGG this morning. I had to close the blinds at work because the snow from the great eastern board is blinding me. As a matter of fact I'm typing this with my eyes closed. Amazing, I know. I was a top keyboarder (is that even a word?)in my 3rd grade class. And that was quite a long time ago.

I feel fantastic. Aside from not being able to see properly, I slept like crap, froze the entire night, haven't had the chance to properly shower, I have a math test in a few hours which I have little or no understanding of the material. Whoever decided that fashion majors need math other than basic retail math...I curse you. Honestly! I can understand needing to know and properly fill a profit and loss statement. What I can't fathom is that my job in the fashion industry is going to have me rotating and multiplying matrices!

On a lighter note: tomorrow will be a week that I've gone without coffee. I have to admit, it's still hard to turn down but I think I'm really kicking the addiction. I don't have headaches anymore, which is awesome. I've also noticed that my tummy is a lot less bloated. But isn't coffee kind of a natural diuretic? Don't know, maybe thats the wrong word for it. I've also worn my blessed mother bracelet for 7 straight days now, which is amazing. I can't believe I haven't torn it off yet. I usually have to remove everything nightly.

Currently waiting on my friend to tell me whether or not she's available to give me a ride to school. If she's not I just don't know how I'll get there, which means I don't know how I'm going to take the math test, which means I'm uncertain of how I'll pass that class.

BTW, here's a way to know that you really care about someone: I receive emails at least once weekly from Neimanmarcus.com (who doesn't want to oogle all the goodies they can't afford?!) and I clicked around so much on the Juicy Men's dept. that I forgot to look at the women's for myself! I was looking for Crookers, because his birthday is at the end of April. Lucky son of a gun I'll be done with my school payments then.

And there I go again, giving so much of myself...For what exactly, no one knows.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Feelin' a little Kid Rock

People don't know about the things I say and do
They don't understand about the shit that I've been through,
It's been so long since I've been home I've been gone,
I've been gone for way too long
Maybe I forgot all the things I miss
Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this,
I said it too many times
And i still stand firm you get what you put in
And people get what they deserve,
Still i ain't seen mine
No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin'
I've been walking down that line
So I think I'll keep walking
With my head held high
I'll keep moving on
and only God knows why

Things To Be Proud Of

My sister thinks I have lot of them. I'm not writing this to prove her wrong. But I have to admit I am curious. Maybe I don't realize that some of the things I do are big things to be proud of. Maybe I'm too hard on myself. Or maybe I'm the one who's right. I don't think the things I do are extraordinary, and I don't think I'm worth much. Some day when I'm old and I die I might not leave much more behind than those who came before me. I'd like to think that I will, but life has no guarantees. Maybe it's because I never expected too much of myself, but was always willing to push harder for the things I wanted. Regardless, when I look back on my 20 years of life, I tend not to look at the things I ought to be proud of. Days like this I'm a pessimist at best.

Even when I was younger I was a very jealous person. I hated my sister, because she was my #1 competition. I wish I hadn't spent all of those years resenting her. I wish I had known about my family more- wish I had known that all the little things I wanted, added up. I never would've asked for dance classes if I knew how much it bothered my parents that they couldn't afford them. I wish I had been a more private person because maybe today I'd be more at ease with the mistakes I've made. I wish I hadn't been so forgiving of people who didn't deserve me. I once had an ex boyfriend who put me in so much danger, and I still can't believe to this day that I was willing to put my LIFE on the line to date him. I wish I had saved all that money I made when I was younger, even last summer because I can think of plenty more important things I could've spent that cash on. I wish I had been more independent, so that today I wouldn't rely on other people, or silly things to make me happy. To be perfectly honest, I wish I had never lost my virginity. I feel like that started a whole new level of shame I had never wanted to reach. I wish I hadn't been so deliberately malicious as a kid- I was really a bitch. All I cared about was my clique, my belongings, my clothes, and boys- and did it ever earn me a reputation. I wish I had spent more time in a church growing up, a little more time having faith rather than trying to find something to believe in. I wish I had worshiped God or something of a Higher Being rather than worshiping men, clothes, money, and things that don't fulfill you! Maybe I wouldn't be so lost today.

Or who knows. Maybe no matter which road I had chosen, I would still be in the same place I am today. I know you shouldn't dwell on your mistakes. I know even the most religious people seek forgiveness and move on with their lives. I know I'm forgiven, the only person that has yet to forgive me is myself. I'm trying so hard to move on, but I'm really stuck. Nothing I've done has helped me to heal, because I don't know where the pain stems from. I could say it comes from all the guys who've burnt me, but really it's so much deeper than that. I couldn't tell you how I got to where I am today, all I can tell you is that I'm searching for a way out.

I feel like no matter what comes my way, I will never be truly fulfilled. And yet, I do have so much to be proud of.

I'm putting myself through school and graduating with a 3.58 (or higher)
I work full-time and take a lot of pride in myself
I've had the same friends since I was in middle school, and we love each other very much
I have a wonderful, supportive family who loves me
I'm very independent for someone who can't do much alone
I'm capable of swallowing my pride for the greater good
I've worked since I was 15, always did my fair share of work
Plus all the silly things like cheer leading and beauty pageants and all those things that people ought to be proud of... Why are they so far from me? Why do they feel so minuscule? Why do I feel so small?

Oh, Merry Monday

This is the wonderous view outside of my work today. This is how you know I was not designed to be a Canadian citizen: I despise the snow. My joints and bones ache at the very thought of it... For whatever reason, the Big Red Sun aka my boss decided to keep the salon open today. WHY?! Who is going to come tanning when theres inches of snow on the ground and the roads are badly plowed?! WHO?! The answer is...so far 7 people. I secretly loathe all 7 of them, just for coming in on what should've been a day off for me.
I called my Nana's house today to talk to my dad (who has now been in Canada for over a week, bless him) and she said he wasn't there, that he went down town because he couldn't take being there. I don't know who I feel worse for. I know my dad is stressed out and miserable over there, but I feel really sorry for my 87 year old Nana who clearly feels very helpless. I guess I feel sorry for the lot of them, including myself.
I try to avoid feeling sorry for myself at all costs. Momma actually said something positive today. I was in my bathroom (you know that mom who doesn't knock? that's my mother) and she barged in and said "Why do I feel like you're hiding something from me? Your mouth, it's odd, like you have something to say but you don't wanna say it..." Truth be told, this is how I feel: I used to be so certain that my family was going to make it. I'm not so sure anymore and it petrifies me. I don't want to look back at this as time wasted. I don't want our dreams to remain dreams forever. I want to live, I want my family to thrive. I want us to get what we all deserve! It kills me to think it might not happen. The worst part is, I can't admit it to anyone. My sister would be angry, my mother would probably agree, and it would hurt and dissapoint my father. He always told me he would give up the minute he stopped believing. If he believes in this, then how come I can't? I digress... The point was to say that Momma brought up this point: "There's so many out there who have it worse than us. These American people, they're losing their houses. We didn't lose ours, we sold it. We spent all the money, but at least we got something for it. These people are homeless. And what about the kids who's moms and dads are in Iraq. They've waited 5 years or more for their parents to come home, and they don't know if they ever will."If you knew my mom, you'd know how rare this is for her. I'll cherish that moment of clarity and rationality from her. But she's right, and I felt foolish for being so self-centered.
That having been said, I want to take a minute from my selfish rambling to thank all of the American women and men who defend our freedoms every day. Because you're not just fighting for our freedoms, you are defending the FREE WORLD, and putting your life on the line. Thank you for being so selfless.
I should probably get back to work.
Missing my dad :(

Sunday, March 1, 2009

It's March?!

Ugh, welcome to March. I'm exhausted, and grumpy and now guilty of blogging on the job. I'm so bored I could EASILY go fall back asleep in one of the tanning beds, or on the couch in the front lobby for that matter. Regardless... Here's what yesterday was like for me:
I worked almost 12 hours at our brand new spa's Grand Opening. It went really well, with the exception that I don't normally work there. My boss brought me over because she knows I can do makeup relatively well, and that I'm educated about product. We definitely did well is sales, and the hourly is going to be a nice bonus to my next pay. After 11 hours I could no longer feel my feet, and they had turned off the heat in the building. I was delirious, cranky, and exhausted- meaning I left the building at 8:30pm feeling the same way I had felt when I entered at 9am- delirious cranky and exhausted. I got stuck working with this horrid 28-year-old wench who clearly doesn't know who I am. Technically, I am her superior. Screw the 8-year age gap, I was ready to literally KNOCK her into place. She even admitted to being a bit 'snarky' towards me. Get lost, homegirl. Know your place before I have to put you in it.
I got a lecture from momma because she could smell the cigarette on my breath when I walked in. I told her that with everything going on at home I just can't find the willpower to quit. Everyone at school, smokes. Everyone at work, smokes. It's hard for me to quit under those circumstances. Besides, I have so little energy and I already gave up coffee for lent (which has induced MASSIVE caffeine headaches by the way) it's sad but when I want a cig, I just want one. I'll quit when I'm ready. Anyway, it seems that Momma's not gonna let up on this smoking bit. Who could blame her? I'd be pissed too- she smoked for round 40 years and managed to quit..I dont understand why I can't! I woke up this morning and now she was accusing me of smoking in the house. Let me be clear. I may be insensitive, I may even be rude sometimes... But I would NEVER light a cigarette under my parent's roof! They both worked WAY too hard to quit for me to do that to them. It bothered me that she would accuse me of that!
I miss my dad a lot. He's been gone for almost a full week now. It's been almost 3 years since I went that long without seeing him, when I went to California and Vegas with my now, ex-boyfriend. Mid-way through the second week, I was begging my dad to pay the difference on my plane ticket if I was to trade it in to come home early. Looking back, I'm glad I didn't marry him to get my citizenship. Not even citizenship could've kept me happy enough out there to be 3,000 miles away from my family. I hope the guy I marry likes NJ, because I don't plan on leaving...Unless we're moving to NY...And even that is iffy.
I degress...I went home and took a bubble bath as I waited on Crookers (my best guy friend who apparently I like?) to tell me when he was returning from his longggg trip to Long Island, NY. And by long I mean, he spent the entire day driving there and back (Hamptons) to pick up some cars. By the time he called me I was already downstairs, getting myself food, and getting ready to go watch Goodfellas in the comfort of my too-small single bed. In lieu of hanging out, Crooks and I just stayed on the phone. I couldn't tell you what we talked about...just that we both started dozing off around 2am and called it a night. I now call Crookers by his "blog-name" now... I think he likes it, he calls himself a crook all the time... I'll post about this in T.A.L.M.S
My alarm went off at 7:45am. I made it out of bed by 7:55 and was at work (fully-dressed, makeup done) by 8:24. Thanks very much to Navy Girl, my best friend of 8 years, for dragging herself out of bed to drive me to work today :) Love you, NG. (sidebar: I can't drive because of immigration issues and I am VERY grateful for my understanding friends who do so much for me) I'm still tired from yesterday. I just want some comfort food, some blankets, and a good movie, dang it! I want a day to be a bum and do nothing! I should probably makes plans to stay far away from comfort food. I've noticed that I'm eating a lot lately, and not out of hunger. I'll snack of out boredom and eat just to eat. I remember my cigarette and redbull diet. I also remember when I was about as close to model-thin as I'll ever get. Five more days, but then I'm putting the food to rest...It's time to get skinny again. Oh, the pressure of living on the Jersey shore.
Send good vibes, please. Hopefully this week will be better than the last