Monday, March 2, 2009

Things To Be Proud Of

My sister thinks I have lot of them. I'm not writing this to prove her wrong. But I have to admit I am curious. Maybe I don't realize that some of the things I do are big things to be proud of. Maybe I'm too hard on myself. Or maybe I'm the one who's right. I don't think the things I do are extraordinary, and I don't think I'm worth much. Some day when I'm old and I die I might not leave much more behind than those who came before me. I'd like to think that I will, but life has no guarantees. Maybe it's because I never expected too much of myself, but was always willing to push harder for the things I wanted. Regardless, when I look back on my 20 years of life, I tend not to look at the things I ought to be proud of. Days like this I'm a pessimist at best.

Even when I was younger I was a very jealous person. I hated my sister, because she was my #1 competition. I wish I hadn't spent all of those years resenting her. I wish I had known about my family more- wish I had known that all the little things I wanted, added up. I never would've asked for dance classes if I knew how much it bothered my parents that they couldn't afford them. I wish I had been a more private person because maybe today I'd be more at ease with the mistakes I've made. I wish I hadn't been so forgiving of people who didn't deserve me. I once had an ex boyfriend who put me in so much danger, and I still can't believe to this day that I was willing to put my LIFE on the line to date him. I wish I had saved all that money I made when I was younger, even last summer because I can think of plenty more important things I could've spent that cash on. I wish I had been more independent, so that today I wouldn't rely on other people, or silly things to make me happy. To be perfectly honest, I wish I had never lost my virginity. I feel like that started a whole new level of shame I had never wanted to reach. I wish I hadn't been so deliberately malicious as a kid- I was really a bitch. All I cared about was my clique, my belongings, my clothes, and boys- and did it ever earn me a reputation. I wish I had spent more time in a church growing up, a little more time having faith rather than trying to find something to believe in. I wish I had worshiped God or something of a Higher Being rather than worshiping men, clothes, money, and things that don't fulfill you! Maybe I wouldn't be so lost today.

Or who knows. Maybe no matter which road I had chosen, I would still be in the same place I am today. I know you shouldn't dwell on your mistakes. I know even the most religious people seek forgiveness and move on with their lives. I know I'm forgiven, the only person that has yet to forgive me is myself. I'm trying so hard to move on, but I'm really stuck. Nothing I've done has helped me to heal, because I don't know where the pain stems from. I could say it comes from all the guys who've burnt me, but really it's so much deeper than that. I couldn't tell you how I got to where I am today, all I can tell you is that I'm searching for a way out.

I feel like no matter what comes my way, I will never be truly fulfilled. And yet, I do have so much to be proud of.

I'm putting myself through school and graduating with a 3.58 (or higher)
I work full-time and take a lot of pride in myself
I've had the same friends since I was in middle school, and we love each other very much
I have a wonderful, supportive family who loves me
I'm very independent for someone who can't do much alone
I'm capable of swallowing my pride for the greater good
I've worked since I was 15, always did my fair share of work
Plus all the silly things like cheer leading and beauty pageants and all those things that people ought to be proud of... Why are they so far from me? Why do they feel so minuscule? Why do I feel so small?

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