Thursday, March 12, 2009
This is my response to one of Mama Kat's writing prompts for the week. Enjoy, and clicky here to see what everyone else wrote about!
What happened in the last year? Write about something you can do now that you couldn't do a year ago.
2008. The year I learned to just walk away. I've never been one to mince my words. I've never been the girl to sit back in the corner and let life happen to me. That is, until I realized that the life I was creating for myself wasn't the life I wanted to live- and that it's really not up to me. To a certain degree, it is. But the way I see it now is that if I let God guide me, I can't go wrong.
This time last March is probably the last time I ever spoke to my ex-boyfriend. His last words to me (I'll never forget them) "You're even more f*cked up than I thought you were." There was no break up, no more phone calls, nothing. He disappeared (once again) but this time, he never came back. I don't know quite why, but I was heartbroken beyond repair. I obsessed over him, every second of every day. I spent majority of my time around places where he would be, enlisted my friends in driving me past his house- you name it, I stalked it. And then one day (I still don't know when, exactly) it hit me. He knew I was too good for him: aside from the fact that he nearly got me killed (almost-drive-by-shooting!), he was 26, divorced, a father to two adorable kids who he never saw, and a for the lack of a better word, a bum! No car, no job, a gambling, drinking, and drug problem and a thief to top it all off... I was 19, in school full-time (all A's), working full-time, paying my bills, and doing my good girl thing. We always joked about being complete total opposites, and then one day I realized that it wasn't funny at all. I'm still trying to forgive myself for not walking away from someone who treated me so badly, and caused me to drift from all the people I love the most- my friends and family. It's been one hell of a journey, but I'm really trying.
I've dated at least 4 guys since then- one short-term boyfriend, the rest you would just say I was 'dating' for a short period of time. None of them worked out. Not only because they were kind of jerks, but I think it's mostly because I'm still not ready. I know it, deep down but I don't want to accept it. I walked away, now in 2009, I need to learn to let go, and forgive. I have to forgive others for the way they've vexed me, and forgive myself for allowing them to.
I am learning though. My first boyfriend (from when I was 15) is still somehow convinced that we'll marry someday. I no longer return his once-friendly calls and texts- I know his intent. I told him I've forgiven him, and though I'm still trying to forgive myself for allowing him to treat me the way he did- I have moved on.
If only I could be as kind to myself as I am to those whom I love, I'd be in very good shape.
But I haven't always been so kind- there are more things I regret from 2008- like the friends I chose vs. the ones who I sort of left behind. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but sometimes I wish things had worked out a little bit differently. The short of the story goes like this: my two best friends were both going for the same guy, one was there first the other one followed and did not heed my warning NOT to go for this guy. I was pissed that she ignored me and even though it felt wrong, I still stood up for the other girl (I guess out of spite for not having listened to me). I still feel horrible about it to this day, even though I know my friend has forgiven me, mostly because our friendship is so different now.
What else? Well, so much yet so little has happened in the last year- immigration wise. I suppose you could say we're no better off than we were, but I feel stronger and more determined than I ever did. 2008 left me craving my independence from others and from the Us immigration system- 2009 is going to be my year to make it happen.
2009 is a year to make a lot of things happen. A year of perseverance and forgiveness- this time, for myself. This time last year, I was struggling to walk away from people who hurt me and didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated. This year I'm running for the hills, kicking @$$ and taking names! I'll leave a few examples
In relationships: I found out someone I was seeing tried to date one of my friends who I've known since elementary school. I confronted him (face-to-face, it was epic) deleted his phone number and it's over. When people ask me about him, I simply grimace and tell them that no, we don't talk. Why? Because he's a scumbag. Why sugarcoat the reality? The hottest guy ever who I had a great first date with who stood me up for date #2? Deleted his number and did not return his texts. My "best guy friend" who's living a lie? Sent him to voicemail the other day, did not return texts. Still not 100% sure what I'm going to do about it- but it's 50/50 right now that I will simply walk away.
At school: I found out that I'm not eligible to graduate- by 3 credits! First, I freaked out, even went as far to talk to the Dean. There is nothing they can do. I'm going to look into taking the class over the summer at another school, if they'll let me. If not, I'll walk away. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe taking one class at my current college in the fall is a blessing in disguise. I could use a few more months of working without having to pay off school to save up for life in the big city. And if I don't get accepted to FIT now, I have better odds of getting accepted in Spring. Another example? In marketing last week, my professor basically told my friend and I that we talk too much but didn't say anything to the SIX GIRLS who were loudly discussing directly behind me. So I pulled him aside after class to let him know that I didn't find it humorous (which he told me he intended) and that I didn't appreciate being treated like I was in grade school. Sorry buddy, but my hard-earned money signs your pay check and pays your bills. I'm going to talk, and not only are you gonna shut up- you're going to like it.
At home: I had just turned 20 and my parents decided to enforce a 1:30am curfew. I just walked away. Why fight it? I could use the sleep anyway.
At work: My boss is a cheap bitch. There's nothing I can do about it. Depending on the situation at home around May/June, I'm scheming to take care of some business this summer. Not that I'm trying to screw her, but maybe it wouldn't hurt her to see and for once, appreciate ALL of her employees.
I'm sure this doesn't even do justice to my crazy life, but it is at least PART of what I have learned, and I've gone on long enough.
Ok, Bloggy friends- what have YOU learned this year?