Sunday, December 20, 2009

Families Who Hate You

Call me naive, dumb, or just plain pompous...I thought the whole "dating-your-best-friend" thing was supposed to be easy! For starters, we have an awkward history to say the least (ask us how we met, I dare you!) and we're pretty to ourselves. Don't want no trouble, don't want no bother. But uh, just how quiet can someone be?

Depends who you're asking but if you're his sister or mother you might just be mute. So far, his 2 year old nephew has made the most headway in the communications department, while the 26-year-old sister is on a steady decline. I've never in my life, met people who come off to be so pretentious! Look, I get it. He's you're only son, and your youngest child. He's your baby brother. I'm the youngest too, of my entire family...I GET IT. But dang, cut a girl a break.

I've never met a mother who didn't want or trust me to be her new best friend/daughter-in-law. I've never met a father who didn't flirt with me (one DID take it too far by grabbing my ass once though)... I've had a few friendly rivalries in the older sister department before, but typically it's because I'm cuter and smarter than them.

My boo's family? Not only is rude to me but I might as well just not even exist. Actually they treat him that way, too. The funny part is that years ago, when I was his girlfriends best friend, his mother was nice enough. These days, she can't even complement my boots directly, she has her son tell me that she's admiring my leopard-print rain boots (of course, I would own those!) His sister? Here's how our last conversation went:

Me- Hi
Her- *blank state, silence* followed by her walking away.

Overall, I'd say that went well...Wouldn't you?

HELPPPP. Apparently they hate everyone. How do I go about making myself the exception to this disaster?!


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Have You Seen This: Adorable Video!

Hi-oh bloggy peeps!
So I'm at work (working hard, or hardly working?) and I stumbled upon MSN's top videos of 2009. Sure, we all saw the kid who got his teeth removed "Is this real life?!" and the late "surprised kitten". Cute, cute, real cute. But this one tops them all!

Granted, I have not attended very many weddings in my life (I can count on both hands and for someone who comes from my size of a family thats not a lot). BUT I can honestly say I've never seen anything quite like this:

I'm sorry to be so cheesy but this video made my day! Seriously, how cute is this couple to start off their life together like this? Not for nothing, but a couple with this much positive energy surrounding them is obviously not only totally crazy for one another but they definitely seem like they'll be in love for years to come!

I just had to share!


Monday, December 7, 2009

In Transit: An Insomniac in the Making

Good morning, fellow bloggers. From where I am writing, it is 3:32am...Approximately 3 hours and 32 minutes later than the time at which I had hoped to fall asleep. My alarm clock is set for 8am tomorrow----there is NO avoiding that. I will have to rise and shine to join to world, sleep deprived or not.

So tonight, in an effort to drain myself significantly, I will inform you of my non-boyfriend. Please do not mistake my using this as an opportunity to "drain myself" as a metaphor for the non-relationship...That's not what I mean. Though, its past 3am at this point, who even KNOWS what I might mean!?

I met one of my very good guy friends a few years ago, for the first time at one of my beauty pageants. I couldn't have been older than 19 at most, which means he was 20. At the time, I was dating my ex (who I believe turned out to be gay-more on that later) and he was dating my ex best friend (who now lives with the gay ex in California). Did I lose you yet? Ok, good. So, in June 2007, I broke up with my gay ex (who I didn't know was gay at the time???) and stopped being friends with the girl, because well she basically chose the wrong side of the coin. She started spending all her time with my ex, even though she was still dating my friend, and sooner rather than later they also broke up.

Once everyone was done breaking hearts, it seemed naturally spiteful that the two of us exes would also band together and retaliate against their blatant display of disrespect towards us. But what started out as a stupid immature crusade for an equally blatant display of disrespect towards our exes, developed into one of the most mature, forgiving, and accepting friendships I could have ever hoped for.

I have seen this boy in his worst moments (ex: puking up bile, heart broken by his many exes) as much as he's seen just how two-dimensional I am (ex: side one-exhausted slob, side two-beauty queen). I can honestly say that he is one of the few people who knows me best. For the last nearly 3 years, we have built on our friendship...Not always a constant in each other's lives, but still always there for one another. Last year, when my father was away, it was him who helped me get to class (on his lunch break), or who would check in with me. When his ex broke up with him last year on Valentine's day, I was the one who I substituted for her that night, and we enjoyed an amazing night together.

I think I knew it then, but I was too petrified to act. What would people think? What if I ruined our friendship? Or worse and even more humiliating- what if he didn't feel the same? Nearly a year later now, have things progressed from friend-zone to the this-is-so-not-what-friends-do zone.

In a way, we've always belonged to each other. I have vowed many of times to hurt anyone who ever hurts him. Now I would rather hurt myself than ever see him hurting. I had proof of this the other night when we had the "what are we" conversation for the second time. My only gripe with my man is that he will not commit given the circumstances. He's scared (understandably so) because of my relocating for college. He's also been nothing but supportive about the entire situation and wants nothing but my happiness. I know he doesn't want me to go, and if I didn't know I would resent myself and him in the long run for not going, I'd put it off too.

But I could see it in his eyes the other night when we were talking about what we would do, in the near future, given that our feelings for each other are clearly not temporary...It hurt me to watch him hurt like that. It hurts me that he doesn't believe in this the way that I do, or that he's too bent out of shape to even try. Every time his heart was broken, I was there to pick up the pieces. I understand that it's a scary transition to make. But calling me your girlfriend, isn't going to make it hurt any more when I leave...The pain will be the same, no matter what it is he chooses to call me. In fact, I would think it would hurt even more, if he chose not to label this, and I was free to walk away from him at any given time- no explanation required. I would never, but technically, I could.

So what does one do, what does one do?

I'm hanging on with all I've got.

Friday, December 4, 2009

In Transit: Wasted

So if you follow my sister Roxane's blog at all (I believe most of you do, and if you don't you should---she's infinitely funnier than I am) you know that we are extremely supseptible to alcoholism in this family. We like our wine classy (read: boxed), and our liquor strong (girl bartenders make weak drinks). So after having given up sex for the last 14, nearly 15 months I've decided I'm going to give being sober a fighting chance.

Why?! Why at the hardest point in my life, would I choose to stop doing the one thing that takes off the edge of the everyday stress of two jobs, a failing love life, and my insane family. Why put myself through that? Because I'm sick of avoiding it. Because I don't want to come home to my box of wine because "I've had a rough day anymore". And quite frankly, because I'm getting fat and this crap-ola is getting expensive! I don't want to drink because I'm sad, mad, upset, or stressed which recently, is all I know how to feel. And the most important reason? I don't want to get into the dark, dismal pattern of drinking alone. Unless I find a way to schedule my classes in a fashion that I can commute, the reality is that I'm going to be living by myself. I don't want to be drinking by myself- because happy, sad, stressed, or just bored- that's called alcoholism.

So I'm putting down the drink. I'm staying abstinent (from sex and drinking) for now. And I feel better about myself than I have in a long time, despite my life being a mess. I'm realizing that (as egocentric as this may sound) It's not me---it's "them". I'm not the one causing all the b/s in my life- its school, its him, its work its my crazy mom. The only mess I've created on my own lately is my bedroom, which is suffering from the "Plague of Clean Clothes Not Yet Put Away".

I'm taking control of my life, whether "they" like it or not.
I'm going to do something great...Sober AND abstinent. And I'm going to prove that a good girl gone bad, is NOT in fact, gone forever.


Sunday, November 22, 2009

New Job!

So I had a very exciting weekend! On Friday my girl Alison, who is currently interning at a great sample sale company kept hounding me for a resume to send to her superior. Took me a few hours to find it and send it to her, but by 8:00 that night I had an email from her manager asking me if I could please come in and work tomorrow! I had originally taken off to work for my mom and dad (and by work I mean sit home and watch the dog so he doesn't wreck avoc on the house) so I called up Daddy and got the green light from him.

I also decided that because I had already bought the tickets on Fandango that NOTHING was going to keep me from a night with Taylor Lautner and my beautiful Robert Pattinson <3 The movie didn't end till 12. I rushed home after to find something to wear (dresscode: all black. shocking!) for the next day. Well, 5AM came quickly enough. I jumped out of bed, showered, blew out my hair, got dressed, and hiked the mile to my bus stop. I made the 6:58 AM NYC bound bus. A few stops down, a girl who I used to work with at the hair salon, Emily got on. I love love love Emily, she's an absolute sweetheart, and turns out the new salon she's working at is also in SOHO. We got to the city super-early (8:30, I didn't have to be there till 9:30) so we took our time, got Starbucks, took the train downtown, and she helped me find my loft.

No one got there till about 9:30 on the dot, which was fine by me. Soho is absolutely beautiful, and it's not the kind of area where you have to constantly look over your shoulder. It is, unfortunately the kind of neighborhood where you'll pay $1.50 for a CAN of diet coke and $6.95 for a smoothie :( Eventually, I met my co-worker Nicole (in charge of marketing) and we went up to the loft. When we got there, I was slightly overwhelmed. I didn't know the designers (Mara Hoffman, Isabella Fiore, and Sarah Pacini) all that well,and I don't like selling something that I don't know. The merchandise was absolutely beautiful though, so I figured I'd just wing it! They taught me how to use the P.O.S, and what the job entailed. I thought this was going to be easy.

Now I know why everyone hates working in retail. You're basically chasing people around all day, hoping that they remember your name when they get up to the register so you can get credit for the sale. Other salespeople are straight up grimey and will steal your sales without the bat of an eye! Others will waste 3 hours of your time just chatting you up, and only purchase $550 worth of merchandise, when they started with over $1,000 at checkout. That was how I learned not to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I worked from 9:30am to 6:30pm, and got a half hour break around 4:15pm. By 6:30pm I felt so tired I thought for sure I would collaspe. But the thing is, when they tallied up my sales at the end of the day, it was so worth it (even though I don't get commission).

It was worth it, so that at the end of the day I could laugh with the same people who had felt exactly what I had felt that day. No one treated me as if I was their subordinate, they merely guided me in the direction they needed me to be. It was nice not having to be in charge for once, and letting others take on the more strenuous duties. My job was to make friends with the clients, pick their brains, choose their looks, and get them to buy them...If nothing else, my numbers speak for themselves: I am a dang good sales girl.

I was too tired to take the hike back to Jersey, so I stayed in Long Island. Overall, a very exciting, very rewarding experience. Hope that all goes well and that I'll be working with them again...Because that would mean that things are finally falling into place.


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Running on E

So here's a little-known fact about me. Most people would probably say that they view me as confrontational because I am outspoken, loud, and opinionated. The truth is that I only act that way when the outcome is truly unimportant. For example- if we were to debate politics- we can argue both sides until we're blue in the face- but it doesn't change the country. The truth about me is that I'm actually very non confrontational when it comes to real-life issues-I'd much rather run far far away.

Part of me is guiltily willing to admit that that is part of why I am moving to New York. I need a change of scenery, I need to start fresh. But what I really mean to say is "I need to be ABH (anywhere but here)." New York just happens to be where my chosen school is, a city that I love, and close enough to home that I can come running back if I please.

See it's simple- when things aren't going my way, when things have gone so far off course from where they should be, it's so much easier to escape and start over than it is to tirelessly work as fixing a problem. I mean really, who works at solving things now anyway? The only thing that matters is the outcome. What we experience during our trials and tribulations is no where near as important as the person that these things transform us into. We will forget the hurdles we jumped, but we will always remember the medals we won (or didn't win).

I'm moving to New York out of fear. Out of fear of what will happen to me if I stay here. Out of fear of not having followed my dreams, of turning into my mother. Of never meeting the right person, or worse, staying with the right person for all the wrong reasons. I'm moving to New York to escape the somber reality of my life: I am an out-of-status immigrant, who is working at a dead-end job, and has exhausted all of her opportunities for growth in the town where she grew up. I am moving of New York because I'm sick of living my life in neutral, and accepting mediocrity as a means of payment for the price that is my livelihood.

It's so desperate that it's pathetic. It's so desperate that no one dares to try to stop me for fear of what I might do if I'm trapped here any longer.

It's going to hurt to leave. But I'll hurt even more if I stay. Everything I know about this place is no longer. There is no doting mother, no loving father, there are no more friends that I grew up with. There is my sister, and my aging jack Russell. There are faces of boys that whose gazes I'd rather not meet, and stares from girls I used to be friends with. There is nothing left here.

I'm running on empty.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

In Transit: Poor Immigrant in Search of $$$!

I blame my father for my ability to dream big and the mind that makes me believe that the unthinkable is achievable. I blame him even more for the courage to make me go through with my crazy plans... That's right- I blame him for encouraging me to be a dreamer, a self thinker, and an over achiever.

When I was 18 I thought by now I'd be living with my then-boyfriend in southern california. I'd be doing hair at some high end salon and her be finishing up at some big state university. Wed be married and I would be 3 years closer to my citizenship. It was fool proof: he loved me, I loved him, and who doesn't want to live in southern california?

Secretly, I didn't. I wanted to go to fashion school, right here at home. Where my friends and family live, where we have seasons, and where I don't have to slow my speech pattern to fit in. So I called off all plans by breaking up with him. I knew from day 1 that our coastal differences would eventually cause a rift between us... Plus, he kissed a boy and for that I never forgave him.

So I set out to reach my own goals, and make my own dreams come true. Just me, my GPA, and my full time job. This leads us to present day where I am KICKING myself for not marrying for citizenship.

In a few short months, ill be off to chase my big city dreams with only a few thousand dollars (probably not enough to cover my tuition in full) and an Associates degree. I'm proud of myself for taking the ethical road- if I'm going to make it here its going to be because I did it for me, not because it was handed to me. But I'm petrified! You have to live under a rock not to know how much it costs to live (even in one of the lesser boos) of new york. Add a little over $6000 in tuition alone, plus $550 in rent monthly add the costs of books, food, and the financial aid that I won't receive (despite the fact that I'm basically poor and have stellar grades) and I am in some MAJOR trouble. Short of selling my old non Christian soul on ebay and becoming a stripper I don't know how I'm going to afford this. I could give up food- but school won't do me any good if I'm dead from malnutrition.

I'll take any suggestions you've got...


So I've been doing a lot of traveling around between NY and NJ lately, which leaves me a lot of time to 1) get frustrated and 2) write. I've been writing *typing?* on my phone so I have to email the posts and post them because I have yet to download a new blogging app for my blackberry (any suggestions?).

That being said, I'm going to follow this post with a few that I've written in the past week or so. Enjoy :)


In Transit: Nov 2nd

Lately I've been hard on myself. Its hard to keep a positive perspective when you feel like its you against the world.

So tonight I decided to write something a little more positive! Coming back to new jersey after a weekend of fun in NY is not my idea of a good time. First, it makes me sad to leave my friends and the one place I want to be. It also makes for a lot of alone time and not much to do except listen to music text and sometimes write...

Tonight after experiencing my fleeting moments of sadness I reflected on the scenes that I remember from the bar last night. The crazy stories my friends tell me... Their encounters with frat brothers, one night stands... They're living the college dream-3 college girls with not enough time in the world for all the boys who want them.

I never went away to college- but I've made my share of mistakes. Let's just say the walk of shame isn't easy to witness when he's sneaking out of your actual bedroom and out your front door! Pray the neighbors didn't see him!

With these experiences came the usual feelings and thoughts to accompany casual sex- "Am I a slut?" Or "is the whole town going to hear about this." Or even worse "WHY am I late?" So about a year ago I came up with the solution to ending this vicious cycle of nagging thoughts and questions: CELIBACY.

I'm happy (and proud) to share that I've now been celibate for approximately 13 months. Kissing is about as far as it goes with me- no matter how much I like you, or how much I've had to drink. My life without sex (or a boyfriend even) is so much more focused, and so much less dramatic. I've learned to stand on my own two feet and to rely on my instinct and God's plan for guidance- not some boy who barely knows where he's even headed. I have stronger faith, stronger friendships, more self respect, and higher self esteem. Being celibate made me a better me!

It does slightly complicate trying to be in any relationship... Guys of course, want a girl who puts out eventually, if not pretty immediately. But I hold on to my convictions and I'm holding out till I find a guy who accepts me for me. A guy who accepts a better me than the me's of yesteryear.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Confession by Ben Stein

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees.... I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too... But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of events like ... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.
My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Due for a miracle

Hi bloggey loves!
Long time no postey and for that I do apologize! However, I do want to keep you all posted... The best way to know what's going on in my life is to follow my Twitter @laurencemasson. And there you have it, my blog cover is blown! You all know my real first and last name! Oh well... I kept up the façade for long enough!

So here's the low-down on Blake lately:
-The boss man is running me ragged with 55 hour work weeks and basically babysitting me to make sure I'm doing everything I should be doing. She also cut my pay back to what is was before she gave me a pathetic 50 cent raise. She also got mad when I told her I'm no longer cleaning for her if she intends to screw me on pay. Boss man wasn't happy. Too bad for bossman!
-A client of mine that I met a few weeks ago offered me some freelance writing work. She wanted me to script her a 5 minute speech about herself and her achievements as a realtor. I wrote it, she loved it. My professor told me to charge her $25 for it (I'm a student, not a pro) and she generously gave me $100. She continued saying that my work was much more valuable to her than a spray tan and that she APPRECIATED all the work I did for her and my perserverance as a professional. SCORE! It was so validating for me to read that about myself.
-September 30th marked the 8th anniversary of my grandfathers passing from Alzheimers. I had a surprisingly good day, and this year instead of being sad I decided I would live it up and make him proud by going to work and being ME. I think it worked. I felt so much better.
-I received a letter from my current college giving me the green light for december completion of my Associates.
-School is amazing, I'm enjoying my classes even the dreaded math.
-Ive been getting caught up on my Bible readings. I forgot how much it soothes me late at night. The more I read the better it gets. I'm currently at Exodus 5:22...the story of Moses. I need this in my life... I don't know how or why I ever put it on the backburner but that's really not an option anymore.
-Roxane is taking me to see a psychic tomorrow... Hypocritical much???^^^see above^^^
-I ordered my halloweenie costume and it's a surpriseeeee
And finally
I have begun the employment/roomate/apartment hunting process for the NYC metro area. If you know anyone, please hit a girl up!

How are my blog peepz doing??!


Saturday, September 19, 2009

Concrete Jungle Where Dreams are Made of

"But I never share my thoughts,
This is all a ni**a knows.
And every time I try, it opens up my eyes.
These verses are a chance to be remembered and reprised.
And I would be performing just as long as Im alive.
So every word I utter will be mine."

I'm in a 'New York state of mind'. I can't wait to leave this place...

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a hip hop, R&B, and pop music junkie. If it's on top 20 or listed as an up and coming hip hop song, I've probably heard of it. It's so weird to be a little white girl, who grew up in the suburbs, but who can relate so well to the music. I guess that's the idea of being any kind of recording artist- to reach an audience. The idea of being a stellar recording artist is to reach people that you would deem untouchable.

Anyway. The quote I posted above is from Drake's song titled "Fear". Drake is actually one of the actors from Degrassi who's turning out to be pretty successful. Lots of support from Lil' Wayne, which I can't imagine hurt him. But I love the song...That's what I'm trying to get to. I love the song because even though it's sad that money DOES change everything, I can't wait to get to a place in my life where I feel like I've made it.

Working 55 hour work weeks, getting paid late and not enough, and being exhausted all the time does not make me feel like I've made it. I'm so tired of my life feeling like a struggle. At times like these, I have a moment of clarity and I understand why my mom is so crazy and so hell-bent on her kids succeeding. I can't imagine the burden my parents feel, knowing that so many of their dreams (including the ones they had for me and Roxane) have failed.

I can't wait to make it. I can't wait to bail out my family, to do the right thing and to move forward with my life. I know it's going to be a long, hard road. But anything is better than what I am currently living. It's like I'm in limbo...I hate my job but I can't afford to leave. FIT is making me re-apply for their Spring semester. I have no idea what I'm going to do for work in NY or even where I'm going to live. The only thing I do know is that I'm going to make it happen.

I've got to make it happen.

Friday, September 18, 2009

For Entertainment Purposes (don't laugh, the makeover games are fun!)

Because everyone needs a non-alcoholic Friday afternoon pick me up!

Awkward, Party of Two.

Now would probably be a good time to explain that Blake doesn't date. The closest I've come to being on a date in the last year or so was being stuck in a very awkward "BFTA" (boyfriend tag along) situation where I felt like the 3rd wheel on my friend's date. I do awkward well, it works for me.

But no amount of tag-along dating (which is not really dating at all) could have prepared me for monday night.

You might remember that I started online dating a little over a month ago. At first, I loved it for my ego. A bunch of emails telling me how pretty I am and how badly you'd like to meet me/converse with me! Nice! Except the whole idea of online dating is you have to meet the ones you enjoy talking to eventually.

I didn't even think Mr. Boring was even that interesting on the phone. He wasn't terrible to talk to though, and I thought he was cute...So I gave it a shot. We met downtown for some sushi. First, he (somewhat)insulted me:"You're tall. You look like you should be more petite." Uhhh say what?! My profile specifically says that I am 5'7"! I could have, just as easily spat back "Well your profile didn't tell me that you're actually only 5'11, or about your nasty case of acne." But I bit my tongue. "Be a lady, Blake. Be a lady." Is what I kept telling myself.

He then complained that we couldn't get drinks there. When I told him there was a liquor store next door, he didn't want wine or Sake. Fine. When the bill came *AWKWARD ALERT* he let it sit there for a good while. I was the first one to touch it. I picked it up, looked at the bill $31.24 to be exact, and set it down, prepared for anything that came next. He then proceeded to take the bill, stick his card in it, and pay it. What the hay?! What was he thinking?! Why would you ever let a girl see the bill in the first place, if you intend to pay it??

After that he suggested we go for drinks...Not wanting to wander far from the downtown area where my dad works and could give him a good a$swhoopin at any given time, I suggested a place down the road. A vodka club, and patron shot later, conversation was still mediocre. Now ladies, I'm not naive enough to believe that you can bring a guy to a bar on a Monday night without him sneaking a look at the football scores. But would it have killed him to be discreet?! At least he didnt blink when this bill came.

Mr. Boring then had a stroke of genius. It's 8:30pm on a Monday night. We've already eaten dinner and gotten drinks. But noooo, Mr. Boring must be a night owl because he decided to drag me further into town for something else. I wanted so badly to go home so this tool could be done with. But instead we settled for watching Final Destination 3. I walked up to the desk, with him behind me and asked for two tickets to the movie, fully expecting him to step up and pay for it. Did he, you think? NO. This idiot not only had me pay for my own ticket, but for his too! On a first date?! What is this world coming to???

At this point, Mr. Boring was practically salivating at the mouth, and I'm so pissed off I think I have steam coming from the ears. Add to that the fact that I felt totally uncomfortable with his gawking! I could see it out the sides of my 3D glasses!!! Of course, he tried to kiss me when I got out of the car that night (EW!) and after I denied him, he kept trying to call me/text me/ facebook me.

How much do you think Mr.Boring would be willing to spend a clue? Maybe the $13 I had to pay for his movie ticket? Don't get me wrong. I'm not a gold-digger, and I pride myself on my independence. But I can appreciate being treated like a lady, especially on a first date. Not only did he fail to pay, and act so boring and awkward that it was cringe-worthy. But he also neglected to open doors for me, or do anything that would be courteous or gentleman-like, which he had described himself as.

Ah well, another one bites the dust.
Who's next?!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Drained x Infinity

Hello World,
Just checking in to let you know how exhausted I am. There aren't many people who know this about me... But I have a heart the size of Texas (maybe even bigger still) and I can't ever say "no" to anyone. Over time, this is starting to become a huge inconvenience to me...

I can't say no to work because it's money
I can't say no to family because I feel indebted to them
I can't say no to my friends because I feel horrible when people say no to me
I can't say no to most men because I personally hate rejection
I can't say no to things I know I don't want to do, even when I know it would be in my best interest.

It all just builds and it all just wears on you. Year after year of people coming to you with their problems, their heartache, their guilt...Barely gives you any time to deal with your own issues. When your problems finally confront you...You're too mentally spent to deal with them.

I'm too tired to even blog. I'm too tired/afraid to get the gears going on this topic because I can already feel the stress building in my shoulders as I'm typing it.

Another futile attemp at a cry for help.

Friday, September 11, 2009

September 11th, 2001

Sorry, came out slightly more graphic than I intended it to, but this is the day as I remember it.

Should've been a normal day.
I should've gone to school, come home,
And had my regular cheerleading practice
But instead, September 11th, 2001.
Changed all of our lives, forever.
Even when I'm 92 and nearly senile
I don't think I'll ever forget
The images I saw that day
Thirteen years old
Too young to comprehend
Just how much evil there truly is in this world
Too young to understand
Why no one could explain what was going on
Too innocent to fathom
Three thousand, and some only a few miles away from home.
Never coming home.
Sister was away at school...
Panick in our hearts and in our minds.
No cell phone towers were working
Even Aunt Lola was worried
But selfishly, I have to admit
I was old enough to understand
That our lives would never be the same
I came home from school that day
I had no idea what was going on
For all I knew, the local mall had been bombed.
Mom and dad, crying on the couch.
Dad recovering from a cyst removal on his back
Lucky, for once, to have been out of work that fall
And specifically, that particular morning
Watching CNN
The timeline of the day
The first tower is burning
9:03 am
The second tower.
Flames, people running, hysteria...
Hysteria over a city that I love
People I know...
Their sisters, their brothers, their fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins & more...
Today, 8 years later
The tears still fall as I write
My tears fall for the fallen
For the daughters who never met their fathers
For the turn this country has taken since
For the fallen who have defended and
Those who continue to defend our freedom
Today the pain, the fear, in my heart
Still hurts the same.
But the pride, swells more and more every day
I'd like for anyone to tell me
I'm not an American.
I was there, I pledged my allegiance, I love MY country
I love it's fallen soldiers, marines, and all those who defend us
I honor those who continue to defend us
And tomorrow we will continue to rise as a unified country
To rise against injustice
To rise against this economy
To rise against a government
And a war, which is failing us
To rise against a world where
People would rather terrify us
Than to let us live in peace
Today we mourn, we cry, we feel for those
Victims, families, and our defenders of freedom
Tomorrow, we will rise and be renewed
This is the United States
We are Americans
United, we stand
Divided, we fall.

God Bless.


Monday, September 7, 2009

"I just want to forget it ever happened..."

Let me start off this entry by saying a few things: 1. This is not for the weak hearted 2. My sister is a much stronger woman than I am and 3. It is because of things like the experience I had this weekend and largely because of my sisters courage that I am able to come forward.

Everything about this weekend is pointing to "all signs go". I spent the weekend at my friends dorm at Hofstra in Long Island, NY. Hofstra is a beautiful, expensive, and reputable university. My best girlfriend goes to that school, do I try to get up there a few times per semester.

I met her new roomates/friends Alice and Susannah and we all hit it off immediately . We walked to a nearby bar, had a few drinks, hung out with some kids they knew. Alice and Sue decided they were going back to one of the frat houses to smoke, but Blair and I stayed behind.

When we got back to the dorm, we got a phone call from a hysterical Alice claiming that her panties were soaked in blood, which she showed us later when she arrived back at the dorm. There was no diubt in my mind that foul play had
occured. Alice told us that multiple guys had (a seperate times in the night) forced their hands into her privates. One of those guys, was Sue's crush, who Sue also hooked up with last night. Turns out the frat house they went to is infamous for their inability to respect women. They drug them, humiliate them, and sexually abuse them. Hofstra has actually forced them off campus because of their hazing.

Alice refused multiple offers for medical attention. Susannah did not return to the dorm until 11am, after 35 frantic missed phone calls from us. She was fine, and now Alice changed her story- she no longer claims she was assaulted, instead she claims she doesn't remember.

My heart broke for Alice this morning. She hyperventilated and sobbed into my chest and I prayed that she would choose to press charges. See, I was once in Alice's shoes, and like her I did nothing.

It was January 2008. My ex and I were on the cusp of breaking up, and I went to a hotel party in manhattan for my friends birthday. I was only 19...My best friend at the time thought it would be a good idea to introduce me to her boyfriends cousin to take my mind off the loser I was dating.

The boy she introduced me to was not my type- short, rude, and pushy. It didn't stop me from feeling bad when he had to sleep in a chair that night. I told him he could share my bed as long as he understood he could not touch me under any circumstance.

When it came time to go to sleep, I was tempted to go back to my seperate room but I was scared because I was drunk and underage. I didn't wanna get caught and get myself in trouble. If only I knew then what I know now...

I woke up to his hands all over me. I told him to stop and he did, only to tell me that my ex was a loser who didn't deserve me. I begged him to stop and let me sleep. He kept touching me throughout the night as I drunkenly slipped in and out of sleep. I remember praying that my ex would show up, and even when I begged him to... He never did.

When I woke up for the final time that night, finally coherent I was able to tell him that I was going in the shower and he had to be gone when I came back. He didn't understand and insisted that "I wanted it." He eventually left, but came back later that day to walk us back to the ferry. I pretended (much like Alice this morning) that everything was ok. I even hugged the molester before walking away from him.

Unlike my sister, I never got help. I never told my best friend, who invited him there. I never told her boyfriend, who's cousin it was. I never told my ex, because I knew that he would blame me. I knew he would tell me I was a whore and I asked for it. I knew that I would believe him if he said it.

My sexual assault experience turned my life around. My ex and I broke up not too long after... Sex after that relationship filled me with guilt and other negative emotions and feelings. My distrust in me grew immensely. In October of 2009 I decided I would become celibate or from a Christian point of view- a "born again virgin."

Today I am a better person for having overcome this horrible experience. I wish I had sought help to avoid feeling the shame and the guilt which followed. But I cannot change what happened to me.
All I can hope is to send this story into the world, and reach someone who needs to read it.

All I can pray for tonight is for Alice to have peace in her heart and peace in her mind- no matter how she chooses to respond to this.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

A Little Lesson in Karma

This is a very short story, but a good one. Because I am in a tough immigration situation, I don't drive. I've never driven outside of a parking lot, never had a car, etc. I rely mostly on my friends and family and sometimes *gasp* the absolutely dreadful New Jersey Transit.

Now sometimes, I'll get lucky and I'm alone on the bus home. That situation is ideal. I make friends with the bus driver, I get home quickly and safely. Yesterday was not like that at all.

I work in a part of town which is mostly inhabited by illegal immigrants-most of them Hispanic. (disclaimer: no part of this story is intended to be racist). They always stare when I get on the bus, probably becauseI'm usually the only white person or "gringa" taking public transit. Needless to say, it freaks me out a little bit. So when I got on yesterday and saw a slightly elderly woman sitting towards the front of the bus, I kindly asked her if she would move her bags to which the old bag retorted "There's plenty of open seats on the bus." Oh no she didnt!!! First of all, you old piece of poop, there is NOT plenty of space on this bus. It's a hot Saturday afternoon, everyone is trying to just get home! But I kept my cool- Jersey Gina did not make an appearance. Instead I told her in my best sarcastic tone that I thought she was a truly wonderful person, and to have a nice day. Luckily a nicer young woman who was sitting behind her offered me the seat next to her. Wouldn't you know it...Not even one minute later, the dirtiest looking dude on the bus walks up to the older woman, motions to the open seat and sits down! I'm talking this guy must've been working in the hot sun all day, he was covered in soot (or was it dirt) and sweat! KARMA KARMA KARMA people it is so so so real! I had a terrible day, and seeing it work like that just turned my day around.

Do you have any karma stories to share???


Thursday, September 3, 2009

Happy SITS Day to You!

"Happy SITS day to you, Happy SITS day to you, Happy SITS day dear Roxane, Happy SITS day to you!"

Here's to another 6 (or more) months of happy blogging about your crazy life, sissy. Maybe you weren't so wrong to want to get into journalism in the first place! I love you very much, and have no doubt you're going to take this internet world by storm!

To those of you who don't already follow my lovely (blood-related, genuine) fiery redhead of a sister at "It really is all about me", I don't know what you're waiting for! She is the featured Blogger on SITS today, and as you can tell I am so proud/excited for her! AND you can also follow her on TWITTER!

Remind me to show you guys my new rainboots later! All I can say is "rawr"

Monday, August 31, 2009

Blake Goes Shopping

So as you may or may not know, I am a fashion major. Logic dictates that I would be a label-loving, shopaholic. The latter is true, the former is not. I buy clothes wherever I like them- sometimes that even means flea markets!

This past weekend I went to Nordstroms, Forever 21, and Burlington Coat Factory. The discounts were ridiculous. Truth be told the last thing I need is clothes, shoes, or anything else that falls under the category of apparel. But I'm addicted, and it's better than smoking!

The thing about being a shopaholic is you have to be smart about it. Only use your credit card if you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. Ask for giftcards for your birthday, and only use cash. Shop late spring for next winter's wardrobe. Shop early fall for next summer's wardrobe. Get it? And don't start about the "trends changing" trends are typically the same. Buy basics. Don't go crazy.

Here's what I bargained shopped for:

Friday, August 21, 2009

Hope everyone enjoys the weekend!

I will be in Atlantic City at Harrah's Pool and in Philadelphia with Roxane. This is going to be my last big (anticipated) weekend of the summer!

Pictures to be posted next week

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Mama Kat's Workshop Wednesday

If these walls could talk...

I could tell you about my walls at work, but for $9.50/hour I am going to refrain. Instead, we'll pretend that I'm in the comfort of my own home. If our (new, freshly painted) walls could talk, these are the tales they'd tell:

In our sunroom, you'd see all the paraphenelia of two artists just trying to make it in this crazy world. Mom's paintings and dad's photographs tell the story of two immigrants who came here not because they had to, but because they wanted to. They wanted to be by the ocean, wanted a better life for their girls, wanted a place to feel at home. So they settled in New Jersey. You'd be surrounded by American flags and fond memories of days spent on the beach, when Dad used to work nights to spend the day with his girls.

In our kitchen, our walls would tell you that we can't sit through one family dinner without a squabble. Two (now adult) daughters, one crazy mom, and a dad who still is hardly ever there, doesn't make for conversation- it makes for controversy. The truth is, I don't think any one of us really agrees with another's lifestyle. Roxane and I think mom drinks too much & needs to get out more often, dad works too much & lets mom walk all over him. Mom thinks I'm a party queen and irresponsible, and who even knows what dad is thinking these days. Our walls would also tell you how it really went down the night of my 21st birthday . They would tell you that I eat my emotions, and that my mother hates me because she thinks I'm fat (even Roxane will vouch and tell you that's a fact).

Our bathroom walls would tell you stories about Roxane and I stumbling into our home after a long night, and finding things that even at our age, are scarring us for life. Think along the lines of parents, and nudity...And not the kind you typically encounter in the bathroom. *Shudder*

Our living room walls would tell you about my long conversations with UK... All the times I plugged in my earphones so we could chat about nothing and everything at all. It would tell you about my failed attempts at Sportskool yoga & fitness videos (and it would probably laugh). They would tell you about my two evil aunts (mom's sisters) who call every day and try to get my mother to move back to Canada. They would tell you about my concerned 88 year old grandmother who we talk to 2-3 times a week to talk to her youngest son, and her grandbabies (me and Roxane). You'd hear a gossipy little old lady talk with all the pride in her heart, about our pregnant cousin and our little cousins who are growing up so quickly. You'd get a sense of just how proud of a family we are.

And my bedroom...It would scream: PLEASE STOP SHOPPING! Your clothes are smothering the floor! In all seriousness, it might just say that. I would also tell me to stop being so damn self-depricating, and to stop pining after UK. Yup, I think I'm even capable of nauseating my walls with the thoughts that pass through my mind...

And so there you have it, if my walls could talk...


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

What would you do for $9.50/hour

Would you:
-Answer phones
-Fetch client drinks
-File paperwork
-Organize your boss' office
-Airbrush tan clients
-Deal with demanding clients
-Check out said demanding clients
-Answer e-mails
-Attend to an online database
-Wash & fold laundry
-Clean like an illegal immigrant

Would you?!

Cause apparently my boss, after 3 and a half years- thinks that this is what I'm worth.

I'm fresh out of words on this one, people.

Monday, August 17, 2009

My first Not Me Monday

I did NOT spend my first weekend being 21, being lame and staying in. I also did NOT get my hair dyed blonde, blow off my diet for the weekend, or ignore phone calls I did NOT want to answer. I did NOT spend the entire weekend eating cheese/dairy products and wallowing in self-pity because I missed talking to UK (who may or may not have spent the weekend with his ex-or-once-again-girlfriend). I have not wasted 2 hours of my precious employer's money/time on the internet this morning. No, certainly I would not do that! I also am NOT compusively checking my AIM account to see whether or not UK has signed on. I did NOT drunkenly set his photo as my background last week. Nah uh. Not me.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I refuse.

So I think I'm quitting

Quitting dating. Seriously? Two weeks on this stupid dating website and I have nothing to show for it. A couple phone numbers, a couple weak attempts from guys to have me send them pictures (ew!), and just a little extra boost for my ego. 19 Pages full of emails from potential dates, and 37 people who've added me on their 'favorite' list. Except all of these lovely suitors have yet to make any kind of impression on me. It's the same old story- the ones with the looks don't have the personality (or in some cases the brains) and the ones with the personality or brains, I'm simply not attracted to (or they treat me like a 5 year old).

So, I quit at dating. Why bother anyway? My prince will find me when the time comes. I think...

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Birthday Week

Well, the birthday week is over. It ended with a weekend that was less eventful than I would've hoped. But that's ok. My best friend Blair & I gathered about 20 of our friends and are heading down to Atlantic City next weekend for a night of gambling, dancing, and of course drinking at Harrah's. Now THOSE are the pics you're going to want to see.

In other updates, I've been offered the full-time position as the Spa Coordinator. Since my boss decided she's going to sell the tanning salon, I decided that I'm going to take it- but she's going to have to pay me more. I'm filling my September, October, November, and December calendars with a strict work-school schedule so I can excel, get my GPA up, and make tons of money in preparation for FIT. Sounds thrilling, doesn't it?

I'm bored just thinking about it!

On a sidebar: I'm looking a weight-loss blogging buddy that's going to motivate me. Not sure how I'm going to decide to go ahead with this journey but I want to lose 20 pounds like, 2 months ago...I'm actually really bummed that I have yet to lose any and I have to appear at my big, official, 21st birthday debut looking the way I do. No matter. I need someone who's up for the challenge... Let me know.

So here are the photos, as promised:

Me + my 5 closest friends at the beach on my birthday

Myself & the Lovely Roxane

Me & some friends at the bar Tuesday night.

At the bar wednesday night (the night of Roxane's kareoke video)

And finally, my new hair color! Just freshly unveiled today! Thoughts?!

Friday, August 14, 2009

According to Crazy MOM

I'm an alcoholic and a whore. Do you guys remember "Jersey Gina" from a few months back? That's who Mom seems to think I am.

Now I'm trying really hard to understand where she gets this notion from. I think I sort of get it but not really. First of all I know I'm a good kid. Maybe a little bit of a pain in the ass, but I know I'm not much trouble. Here's a list of reasons she's mad at me this week. Gentle readers, keep in mind that I'm 21, not 12. I have a 3.7 GPA, work full-time, and take care of everything that I'm deemed responsible for.

So this week:
I turned 21.
12am on my birthday, one of my best friends from high school stopped by. He's a big college ball player now, so I rarely get to see him. We had a "thing" when we were younger- which didn't work out so well in the long run. We remained friends, and spent the early hours of my birthday catching up. We spent the last hour of his visit making out, which mom so discreetly walked in on. Here's what she saw: me, sitting next to him, wearing his hat, pulling away from a kiss. This is no big scandal here, people. She could've easily walked in on the same scene when I was a freshman in high school. Actually, it would've been worse in my high school era than now! According to my dad, this is the main reason she's pissed at me.

We went to hibachi for dinner, where Roxane and I shared a bottle of Chardonnay. We then headed to the bar where I proceeded to take somewhere between 6-8 shots, and a malibu bay breeze. Ok, maybe not the wisest choice...But tell me that you didn't get wild on your 21st birthhday- or that you don't at least know someone who did. The good news is, I made it out of the bar and safely home before I got sick. The bad news is, I basically threw up at my father's feet. Classy, I know. He took it like a champ, stuck in me in the shower and immediately ordered me to bed after.

Waking up the next morning...I can't even describe. First of all, I was beyond hung over status. Second of all, I could feel the hatred radiating from the basement where my parents were working. Ok fine, I deserve that for puking at Dad's feet the night before, and for only being able to say "PLEASE don't tell Mommy." If anything, my father had every right to be angry with me.

I've been out every night since then. Wednesday night, going out to the bar with Roxane...I decided to leave with my friends instead of leaving with Roxane... Which apparently pissed off crazy mom cause she decided to karate-chop my shoulder as I was walking out the door. I don't even know how to explain except I had to try SO hard not to hit her back. It's lucky she's my mother, because I would never tolerate anyone ever putting their hands on me.

Which leads us to today. I'll post pictures of the birthday bonanza soon.

Happy weekend, keep your fingers crossed for me that I won't endure any more karate chopping from crazy mom!


Blake's on hiatus!

As per usual, I am MIA during the week. I should blog more now that I'm working at the boring spa. The truth is, I am blogging... Just on a super-secret blog that not even my lovely sibling knows about. Why so secretive? Because it's not really a blog. So far, I have written 10 blog entries about my overseas not-so-love-affair. Why? You might ask. Because, I've always wanted to write a fiction novel, and dang it, I think it's a pretty good idea.

I'm sorry that I can't share :( I would but because it's happening to me, right now, at this very moment- it's very difficult for me to be open about it. You'd be surprised at how attached you can become to someone's personality, voice, and other things not counted in the physical. No matter how realistic it is. So more about this project... Not even UK is aware of me taking note of the words that we exchange. No one can know. I'm sharing my secret with you bloggety peeps, and I'm not even sure why. Maybe this is just my way of teasing you and making sure you'll buy the book someday when I publish it ;) It's written in letter form, from "me" to "him" and slightly embellished but completely and totally candid as to how I feel towards the situation. It's some of the most brutally honest and open things I've ever written. Hence, why it's so difficult to share. Who knows, I could be too chickensh*t to ever even really finish it. Not finishing it means I don't have to share it, which in turn means I dont have to be criticized, ridiculed, or with any luck at all, praised... But I see potential to capitalize here (I'd give him a cut of the money if it was substantial). How AWESOME would it be to write a book, publish, and sell it and barely be out of college?! Again, slightly unrealistic. But a girl can dream.

I've always wanted to write an autobiography. The truth is,
1) I'm not famous or rich therefore no one would care
2) I have a skewed view of my life
3) I think it would be entirely too dark & my family would resent me.

I know it may be hard to believe but I have a fairly gloom and doom view on my life- it's not how I want to be remembered. As I strive to be a better, sunnier person, and as I try to fight off my struggles, I'm trying to rewrite my future so it doesn't mirror my past. It takes a lot of effort, but I reallly am consciously trying to be a more positive person.

That being said, it's much easier to write a fiction based on something which ultimately has little or no bearing in my life. As opposed to writing what I wish I had the nerve to write.


Saturday, August 8, 2009

Early Birthday Surprises

I love August... Especially this August because I finally turn 21!!! =D I can't wait to just have the freedom to go out with my friends and just grab a drink, unwind. Only 2 more days, for anyone following the countdown.

So today, I had a horrendous day at work. I was IM'ing back and forth with UK all day, and he knew I wasn't doing well. I was supposed to be off, and had to go in and deal with my boss' bratty 6 year old son... These things get on my nerve, especially after the late night conversations about his ex-but-soon-to-be-girlfriend-again that UK and I have. Sucks, but its a reality I have to deal with. He's not here, I'm not there- at best all we can be is friends. I want him to be happy, truly I do- but that doesn't make it an easy pill to swallow. It just hits too hard with all of the other realities- my two best friends are off to New York at the end of the month, the others I'm not that close with, and now I can't just have UK's undivided attention whenever I want. I have abandonment issues, people. I can't help that!

(The Flowers!)

Anyway. So what happened today turned my frown upside down. UK sent me flowers & a teddy bear at work today. The card read:
"To 'Blake', Here's your pick me up and early Birthday gift.
Keep Smiling!

(Me and Burton the bear)

He got his wish. I kept smiling. I sent out picture mails, phone calls, and texts alerting the public- aka my friends- even my DAD who has no idea about this whole ordeal. This is the nicest thing someone has done for me in awhile! I dragged them on the bus and hiked a good 1/2 mile (if not more) home with the flowers so I wouldn't have to leave them at work. I did it all with a smile on my face. How could I not? When I received that- it didn't matter than he was halfway across the world, or that he isn't going to be as available to me in the future as he is now. All that mattered is that in that moment, I knew he cared just as much as I did.

If only I could find the American version of him...

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Try Not to Judge

Disclaimer: Roxane, I love you and I'm sorry this is how you have to find out (cause I normally tell you everything). Don't worry, it's not THAT scandalous. Read on.

Two months ago, I received a phone call at work. A guy with a seriously sexy British accent...But I blew him off at first, thinking he was one of my regular telemarketers. I'm not sure how or when it happened but during the course of that conversation (once I got past the idea that I thought he was trying to solicit something) this potential customer and I made a serious connection.

He told me he was going to be visiting for business in New Jersey, in my town. Weird, but I took it for what it was- and before you know it we were talking about everything- differences between the UK and the US, our jobs, hobbies, etc. When I asked him what he did for a living, he hesitated. He then said he produced adult movies. Naively enough, I thought he meant behind the camera. But, he didnt- he's in front of it. Who knows why I didn't just stop there? I mean let's be real, I'm probably the prudest soon-to-be 21 year old girl you'll meet right now. Seriously. Talk about polar opposites!

That was a month and a half ago, at the end of June. Something happened at work, and the plans for a visit fell thru. We still talk, and now I find myself looking forward to the conversations more and more. The thing is, I know how cautious you have to be- for all I know he could be some creepy stalker. But I truly believe this was just plain dumb luck- I just happened to hit it off with someone who called the store where I work.

The weird thing is, even though he's half a world away in England, the closeness is starting to bother me...Not in a nuisance sort of way, but in the kind of way that "no good can come of this." Which is a terrible thing to say. At the very least he's a pleasant person to talk to, someone who doesn't judge me, and someone who can appreciate me for exactly who I am.

So, I decided to prove to myself that he can't be the only one who would be pleasant to talk to, non-judgemental, and appreciative...I signed up on yesterday and now have 5 pages full of guys who want to be appreciative of me. Which ironically, only made me feel worse.

See the thing about UK (his new nickname for u bloggy peeps) is that I know he takes a part out of his day specifically to talk to me- whether its a phone call (I don't want to know how many phone cards he's been thru), or an IM, whatever it might be. He gets crap from his friends because he never used to sit on the phone, or on the computer,and they even have a nickname for me because they think I'm illegal- as in underage- haha, if they only knew! The bottom line is, as pathetic as it is- he makes me feel (CORNY ALERT) really special.

I'm just hoping I can find someone just as special who makes me feel the same--- preferably on the same continent at this rate!!!

Like I said, try not to judge.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Trip time!

So in 11.5 hours I will (hopefully) be awaiting takeoff. I'm off to Vegas for 5 days, and I absolutely cannot wait!!! I'm so excited I finally get to take a vacation from the norm and enjoy some serious 100 degree weather,shopping, dining, and who could forget... Partying!!!

Btw if you have any tips for getting into Vegas clubs when ur underaged let me know!

Anyway so it seems apropo that I would blog about my fear and anxiety about flying. First things first, I have terrible and unrational fears of being interogated by airport security because I'm not American. I've done my research and I know my rights- you do not need a visa if you're just visiting from Canada, and you can fly with your passport as your only ID. Still nerve wracking.

Next, is my fear of the flight going terribly wrong. I know the odds are in my favor but let me just get this off my chest: God forbid something happen to me on the flight or on vacation- take good care of my stuff! Don't bury me, spread my ashes, and drink an LIT or 2 at my "going away" party aka funeral. Take all my journals and make my life story of it, publish me and make your millions. Mom dad & roxane- you are my life and the reason that I breathe, and that remains true no matter what happens to me. My friends too, you are my world, I can't imagine loving anyone more than all of you people put together!

Okay, now that this has taken a morbid turn, let's focus on the sun, heat, and good times to come! I will do my best to update from the west coast! Enjoy your week!


Friday, July 17, 2009

A Whole New Level of Douchebagery

Oh Jon Gosselin- people like you are the reason that reality TV should'nt exist. Did anyone else hear about this? Supposedely this toolbox is going to help design a line of children's clothing. Lord help us. He ditched his 8 kids to go meet up in France with Christian Audigier in France...With his 22 year old girlfriend, of course.

I used to feel bad for him when I watched Jon & Kate + 8. Eight kids, a (seemingly) obnoxious Kate who never leaves him alone- I wasn't suprised to see that they split. Aside from the fact that she seems to be the beign of his existence, we all know - TV can do that to people. I figured she'd be the one to let the fame get to her. But now Mr. Orange Asian Tan is getting his Christian Audigier on?! Is he even qualified for this? STOP RIGHT THERE: looks like Ed Hardy isn't too pleased with the rumors, and there's no children's line after all.

I think we'll all sleep easier tonight without the image of Jon & Kate's eight, Ed Hardy-clad kids, chasing us into the oblivion of tattoo-inspired fashions.

What wont be lulling us to sleep is the constant nagging---No, not Kate's. I'm talking about the little voice in the back of your head that tells you it could happen to you. One marriage, eight kids, and a couple sessons on TV was all it took to break them up. It makes you wonder what kind of society we live in where a father regresses to his 20's and runs off to France for the weekend, instead of stepping up and doing his part...


Thursday, July 16, 2009

In a funk

It's 2:00am and I can't sleep. Once again, no good can come from this...

I'm really not myself lately. When I laugh, it's a cold, strange laugh. When I smile, it doesn't quite reach my eyes. When I talk, I don't recognize my own voice. I'm not me. I'm not laid-back, cool, calm, or collected. I'm hot-tempered, impatient, and stressed out. I need to chill--- but I just can't.

There so much going on. Were relocating to our new house--- REALLY soon. It helps to know that were all happy with the decision. More space, less money- that's a no brained for anyone, especially these days! But I'm exhausted. The idea of packing alone is enough to keep me hitting the snooze button so that I don't have to wake up and face the day.

Add that to work. Working at the spa location isn't what I thought it'd be. It's exhausting, and they need so much coverage since the other front desk girl left that I feel suffocated.

Physicaly, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally I'm in a very odd place. I threw (and broke) my sisters hair brush after an argument with my mother. That's so not me! I haven't worked out in what feels like forever. That's so not me. I found myself crying hysterically and laughing all at the same time the other day. What was THAT all about?!

I'm legitimately beginning to feel as if I'm losing my mind. I'm all over the place, and as cliché as it sounds... Sometimes even when I'm in a room full of people, I still feel so alone. Like no one could understand, even if they tried. And the few people who do get it are the ones who I don't want to burden with my troubles.

I'm tired, so tired. I'm leaving for vacation in 4 days and I'm just so ready to go (aside from the packing thing). I need some time to clear my head, to reconnect with myself, before I truly do lose it.

I just wish I knew I wasn't alone..

Friday, June 26, 2009

Rest in Peace

Farrah Fawcett who died after a 4-year long battle with cancer. I feel sorry that her death will inevitably be overshadowed by that of the King of Pop. A gorgeous, classic woman, thoughts and prayers are with her family and that she may finally be at peace and no longer enduring any suffering.

and of course the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. There are truly no words for the legacy which you have left behind. Thoughts and prayers are with your family, friends, and the entire industry which you basically created.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Have you read this yet?

My "dating" blog

Hilarious, now looking back on it. Sad when I was writing it. Does anyone know how I could morph my two blogs into one?

My blog needs

...a facelift! And more updates!

Any thoughts on where I can get a cute layout for this bag girl?
Updates will come later. But I'll leave you with a few teasers:

-I may or may not have gotten a tattoo (when, where, how, why?!)
-I may or may not have a best guy friend who's too close for comfort
-I may or may not have had interest in a guy who (again) is all wrong for me

And oh so much more in the double life of Blake :)
Stay tuned

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Prescription Nation

It's been a month since I've updated on BDL. I apologize for the absence but maybe this entry will help to explain why I've been MIA. Aside from the usual BS going on in my personal life, I've been under an immense amount of stress at work. Disclaimer: This entry is not meant to offend people, nor to provoke a reaction. I'm hoping that it will reach a few people's whose life I can help change, for the better.

When I hired Susan*, I loved her demeanor. She was a smiling, bubbly, 24-year-old college graduate with a pleasant attitude. I never thought in a million years that she would be one of millions of Americans who sell and abuse prescription drugs.
It wasn't long before Sue started showing her true self, however. She would come in with full-fledge mood swings, and question my authority as well as my intelligence. Soon, she was driving wedges between myself and even my closest of co-workers. What happened here? The complaints came from another worker of mine who once had substance abuse problems. She came to me and admitted to me that she's witnessed Sue sell various prescription drugs out in the parking lot. Then she witnessed Sue taking the same drugs which she was selling. Needless to say, the work place has been tense. I spoke to the owner about what's going on when she's not here. Because Susan is so good with sales, and so good with customer service, it's difficult to believe that she is, what she is. I'm a firm believer that your life outside of work and life inside of work are two seperate lives, and SHOULD be seperate lives. But when what you do outside of work begins to have an effect on the business which I have loyally served for three years, you better believe I'm not happy about it.

That doesn't even begin to cover half of what I know. I don't want to expose too much, because I don't truly know her motives. Someone who I once thought was a fine person showed me a side of her I never expected. It's a shame but it is, what it is. I try to keep my distance from her. If I had the opportunity to fire her, I would. But alas, my boss' reluctance to let her go leaves me empty-handed for a solution.

I don't know what it's like outside of the tri-state. I know people in NY, NJ, CT, PA, ect. all have the same problem. Tons of well-off kids getting high or getting low on prescription pills and alcohol. I'm no angel and I don't pretend to be. But I can tell you one thing: I've never taken something that would ever threaten my future.

The most popular pill right now it called a "Roxy" or a "Blue"...I believe they're oxycodones, aka a narcotic. I've been told that they are similar to a heroin pill- but more addictive than heroin itself. One of my clients told me that he had gone through medical detox in his 40's (he's married and has two children, imagine the shame that put him through) and that they were so addictive they "made a p*ssy of him." And yes, in case you were wondering-that's a verbatim quote.

Now riddle me this: I live in one of the most affluent counties in New Jersey- the most densely populated state in the US. If I lived in the inner city- I would expect this. I would expect people to sell drugs, buy drugs, and do drugs. But here, in a place where we are so lucky to have the best of what money can afford- why are people SO willing to throw their lives away for nothing special?

One of my highschool heartthrobs- got locked up for possession.
One kid I knew from high school- Dead. At the age of 18. Overdose.
One girl I cheered with- now addicted to coke.
Another girl I cheered with- now addicted to heroin (because she can't afford roxies at $20-$40 a pill).
At least 3 kids I knew from middle school- Dead. Drunk driving.

My parents brought me here for a better life. So I wouldn't end up amongst people who are exactly like the people that I can't seem to get away from. My parents hated the idea of going on welfare just because you could in Canada- these kids go on welfare to help support their drug addiction. Some kids steal from their own families, their friends. Some abuse the medicare and medicaid system so they can get their pills for cheap, and sell them for more.

These kids are stealing from the nation, only to be buried a few years later. Accidental overdose, drunk driving, suicide, unknown causes of death. When will the government regulate? When will they stop giving kids pills that can kill them? When will they finally crack down on the drug dealers who sell these pills?

More importantly what about me. What about my mother, my father, my sister? Those of us who are struggling to make it here, who have never done a single crooked thing like this in our life? If anyone needs to be medicated- it's me. If anyone should've given up by now, it's me. But I'm still here, I'm still standing, and I'm as clean as I'll ever be. Sure, I've done some things I'm not proud of, met some people I never should've met, who hasn't. But I've never done something that I didn't HAVE to do- and I'll pay my debt back to society the second the American government gives me the opportunity.

Saturday, May 23, 2009


After a horrible day at work and life I arrived home to find an enormous envelope from FIT, manhattan :)

I've been accepted to their bachelors program for advertising and communications!!!

Rejoice! God is good, I could cry I'm so happy and grateful and proud.



Do you ever feel as though you are tethering on the edge of what is real and what is not? Perception is reality, I believe---to a certain extent. Is the way you perceive yourself truly the true version which you project to the outside world, or just something you feel on the inside?

If perception truly is reality, and we do project to the outside world what we feel within...I'm fucked.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Also brought to my attention

Sure enough there is no rest for the weary--- I can't sleep once again. Plagued by anxiety I am blogging to you good people via iPhone. Nothing good can come from a lack of sleep, I assure thee.

Today. I was engulfed in one of my tanning industry mags and getting quite annoyed when my coworker kept interrupting my reading. When I told her this (basically telling her to shut her yap) she looked at me puzzled and said ""I don't understand, I thought you were going to school for fashion..."

She was right. And I was (for once) speechless. I tried to rationalize why I invest so much of myself into a business where my boss pays me the same $9/hr that she pays my new hires who do a fraction of what I do. I couldn't. All I could come up with was that some day I hoped to be a jack of all trades and I was trying to get my experiences worth, I suppose.

The scary part is she's totally right- I can't do it all at once. I can't have it all at the same time. I SHOULD spend more time with my nose buried in WWD rather than island sun times magazine. I SHOULDNT already have a pronounced frown line (yes, I do and I'll take a picture to prove it.) and I certainly shouldn't be considering Botox at the tender age of 20.

Yes, I'm responsible. Yes, I'm great at what I do. So what, big deal. I picked up a salon that my boss no longer cares for. I make the rules, she makes the money. It won't always be that way and though I secretly resent her I know because of her bad example, I'll be a better business owner someday.

But what about my other dreams? What about wanting to write for magazines, wanting to travel, to learn languages, to rub elbows with the pretty, rich, famous, and fabulous? What about dreams of having my own lines of evening wear, dreams of having a family, dreams that are so much bigger than being a tanning salon owner. Dream which appeal so much more to me! How do you prioritize? How are you ever supposed to be certain? How do some people just know? And more importantly... What if one life time just isn't enough?

Max Lucado, an author who I truly appreciate from a Christian POV wrote: "In a desire to be great, one might stop being any good." I know myself well enough to say that I'm the overachiever he's referring to- I'm the person who tries too hard and does more harm than good.

At this rate the only thing I can pray for is Gods unfailing guidance.

Just me

Why are the hard things we must do usually the same as the right thing whch we should do? Why is it that things fall under the carefurt of "too good to be true"? So many questions- an endless amount which plague my mind late at night... Most of which I do not have answers for.

Tonights question? Why is it that being a strong woman feels so strenous?

When a strong person lifts a small or medium weight, it is not difficult. Ask an Olympic swimmer to swim a lap- she won't think twice, nor will she struggle. Sure, all of that strenght is earned- these people train, fight, and have their fair share of blood, sweat, and tears spilled over their dreams. My question is, how do they get to the point where these extraordinary things they do, are no longer a struggle but a way of life?

You see, I struggle with being a strong-minded individual. I am always stuck in the middle of who I've been (in the past) and who I am.

The old me was quiet, contemplative, thoughtful, maybe even what you would call a welcome mat. People treated me as though I was nothing for years until one day, I decided I would become someone.

And someone I became. Someone who is "in the know", always busy, and blunt. Someone who knows what they're saying- means what she says and says what she means. Some people might go so far as to say I'm a "bitch".


I didn't know having opinions and voicing them qualified me for the title of being a bitch. The truth is, though I spend majority of my time reminding myself as well as others, that I don't care what people think about me- I care a whole lot. Maslows hierarchy of needs- isn't acceptance there somewhere?

Yes, I care if you think I'm a bitch. Of course I care if you think I'm too intimidating to be friends with, or to date. Of course I'm embarassed when I talk too loud, drink too much, or say the wrong thing, to the wrong person, at the wrong time. Yes, I care about what you think of my hair, my clothes, my GPA, my work ethic, and even my blog.

That's the part of me which yearns to be weak. My strong side says: "Who needs them? Those people treated you like crap your entire life! Why should you seek their approval?! You're making something of yourself and these people will be trapped here forever! They're just jealous."

My weaker side argues: "I might need them some day. They treated me like crap because I allowed them to. I need their approval now like I always have. What if I'm trapped here forever, what if I FAIL? Then I would need them and they'd have nothing to envy of my life."

So where do you draw the line. When do you continue being strong to save yourself (or save your pride)? When do you stop seeking approval? When does the day come when you can sleep at night and that's all that matters?

When do I finally get to be just -me-?

Monday, May 18, 2009

A glimpse inside my mind

It is so hard to believe that I once was a girl who didn't really care what people thought of me. She's fighting so hard to come out right now. In case you never understood the name of my blog maybe you can try to understand it better now. I feel like there are so many complex dimensions to me...but not even 100% of me wants to believe that I am complex- a part of me wants so badly to believe that I am capable of being so simple, so down-to-earth that no one could ever really misunderstand me. More on this when I'm not at work...

Sunday, May 17, 2009


Clearly people don't like me. I have two options:

-Change. People say don't ever change who you are. I don't know who I really am (be honest, who does?) but I know I'm not a mean-spirited person. I know I have a heart and yes, even though a lot of the times their opinions of me are not worthy, I care what people think of me. Maybe people would like me better if I was a little more open, if I was a little nicer. Maybe somethings wouldn't change. I feel like when I try to be nice people call me fake or phony. Then the situation becomes a lose-lose. Which leads me to retract to my second option:

-Stay the same. This is me on the defensive: I should be true to myself, keep acting the way I HAVE acted. People who are worth my time will get to know me. The ones who matter will make me feel comfortable enough to show my true self. I'm using the walls I build and my exterior attitude as my filter because I've been screwed over so many times in my life. On the flip side- if you don't like the way your life is spanning out and you don't change anything you're in no position to complain.

There is no in-between. Fight or flight?

I'm the Karen

So I'm M.I.A which I'm convincing myself is a good thing. I'm 20 years old and I need to be out having a life. If I sat home every night and blogged- as Dane Cook would say- Nice to meet you, I'm a red flag.

Unfortunately, I'm not having a lot of luck with my social life lately. Actually, it's sucking a lot. Improving, but still sort of in the toilet. For one thing, I'm incredibly awkward ESPECIALLY around guys. I have a knack for meeting all the wrong people, at the wrong time, and saying the wrong thing. WHY?!

Let's analyze: I know I have a dry, sarcastic (read:bitchy) sense of humor- I know it can be threatening. I know I'm loud, outspoken, and unabashed. I know that (aside from this) I seem to be pretty sure of who I am. I know I have a big heart, but I'm damn good at keeping it guarded. I know people who dont know me, just dont "get" me. I know I seem mean, but I swear I'm not.

I feel like I want to fall off the face of the earth. I feel like everyone I know loves to hate me, with the exception of my friends. I dont understand why, and I'm not going to lie- straight up- it hurts my feelings. I hate that people love to hate me- being that person is a terrible thing.

Another referrence for the Dane Cook fans- I feel like "the Karen"


Friday, May 15, 2009


... So much easier than blogging. Plus you get to see my real identity- unveiled!!! Tweet me @NJLaur.

You now know the first four letters of my first name :)

Enjoy and follow me on twitter!!!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Heart of gold

The more I am filtering my interactions with people, the more I find myself being compassionate.
By nature I am just like my mother- judgemental, compassionate, over-bearing, annoying, and loving. I have a temper like my fathers but I also inherited his stubborness and his ginormous heart.
Here's the catch: learning to allow people in your heart who truly belong there.
I have been hurt so many times by allowing the wrong people into my heart and into my life; giving myself too wholly and too quickly to people who in the end were ungrateful and undeserving.
So I'm learning- which is the good news. I've let go of so many people who don't deserve me and made room to accept those who do. And what do you know?! I keep meeting people who I actually want to spend time with and be around. Intelligent, challenging, bright, beautiful people who make life easier and more enjoyable. People who I don't groan at my phone when I see their number come up on the caller ID.
The most amazing part is this: for years I rejected this part of myself, declaring that I was sick and tired of being treated as a doormat. I hid behind the mask of a mean girl and put up walls, saying that those who really loved me would be willing to break those walls down.
Now I know, now I understand. People who put walls up do it out of fear, pure fear. Love cannot exist or thrive in fear- it can only fail. Those who take advantage of me, hurt me, disrespect me will be dealt two hands- my own and more importantly Gods. They will lose me, and they will dissapoint God, who knows how much I struggle with this heart of mine.

How free it feels to just be me. I won't allow my past misteps and mistakes to define the person I am today. Yes, I am human and I have made mistakes. I will continue and I will learn- but my accomplishments so far outweigh the mistakes and I can't forget that anymore.

With that said: Im backkk


Sunday, April 26, 2009

New York, NY

I'm currently at a trade show for the beauty industry and I won't lie---I'm bored!!! I can only go into the esthetics show, not the hair show. So I'm jammin listening to Kanye and taking in the view from Jacob Javits- appreciating the fact that I'm in NY at all- even if I am with the boss lady. She's not so bad sometimes. We talked this morning about me going say to school and I almost got a little choked up. The truth is that sometimes as much as I resent my job- I can't imagine my life without it.

The last three years I have invested so much of myself into that salon. I am everywhere in there and I think when I leave I'll miss certain aspects of it. Especially my staff. For the most part, they were hand picked by boss lady and I... They're my friends and my confidants. How weird is it gonna be when they don't wake
Me up on my days off?!

But then I'm sitting here taking in the view and I know where I want to be. Even if it's not permanent... I need to prove to myself that I can do this. I know independence is going to suit me just fine- I can practically taste it. I just want my chance to make it on my own.


Friday, April 24, 2009

College career update

As you may or may not know, I applied to the advertising and marketing communications program at FIT in Manhattan. Unbeknownst to me, it's actually one of the most competitive programs at the school, especially at the bachelors degree level.

Up until recently I had not received a response from them. I called to check on the status of my application and they told me they were awaiting my TOEFL (English proficiency) scores. Sure, you can laugh... I did too! I emailed their administrator and made it abundantly clear that I did not need to take the test to qualify!!! Unfortunately the Bachelors program is now filled.

HOWEVER! I have a possible advantage-if I don't complete my AAS here, I may be able to transfer my current credits to a degree there and just leave Jersey.

I love my mother, I love my father, and of course you all know I love my sister. I can't imagine life without them and I would miss them terribly. But... I also can't continue to feel trapped in my own skin. I'm going to save all the money I make this summer, maybe even find a second job. I'll arm-wrestle the lovely people of the admissions department at FIT if I have to. But I have NO intent of remaining in NJ any longer past august of this year.

Oh and it doesn't hurt that FIT openly admits undocumented aliens 0:)

Watch me go!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

So I'm sitting in class

And I know, I've been a bad little bloggamama... Neglecting my readers and I don't know what else to say other than SORRY! I'm working like a mad woman and I have as of late, recovered my social life... Somewhat. I've been hitting up the gym, going out, trying to make sense of my life and where it's headed.

I couldn't be any more lost if I tried!!! I'm so frustrated. I have a dead end job, no future school plans, no boyfriend or potential suitors. I also have no car, no liscense, and no papers-complete with (you guessed it!) NO IDEA WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.

I have an idea where I'd like to be... I spent some time at Hofstra last weekend and totally enjoyed being in Long Island with my best friends. I met guys I'd actually be interested in seeing again... Depressingly ironic considering I had to be back in the dirty by Sunday. I love NJ but I find myself wishing I didn't live here... I feel like i'd rather live anywhere but here!

Because I've made so many mistakes, and have earned myself such a reputation- a bitch, someone who might be "easy" or is just flat-out weird and I'm not proud. On the other hand I'm sick of trying to prove myself to others. I'm sick of trying to prove people wrong about me. These small-town boys are easily intimidated by a girl with big-city dreams. I want to be so much more than this and while I know I don't need a guy to support me through my trials and tribulations, it'd be nice not to feel so lobeli sometimes.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

My gripe for the night

I'd like to know why men enjoy being in the company of weak-minded women. Women who are only a fraction of the girl who I once was. Women who have no self-respect, no self-knowledge and absolutely no self-control. Why are men so attracted to women who are so clearly not well matched for them?

Why would a guy want to take his chances in ending up with someone who is weak in so many ways? Don't they realize?! Dating leads to marriage, marriage leads to babies and then your babies will be just as weak minded as your wife!

I also hate that guys these days (from my parts anyway) have ZERO motivation to make something of themselves. Two guys who I've dated in the past have chosen to follow in their parents footsteps and "take over the family business", either choosing not to attend or dropping out of college! Others are willing to work dead end jobs which they hate, as long as they can kick back and enjoy a cold one later on!

Am I the only one with dreams, hope, ambitions, goals, and faith?! Are these peoples lives so void of guidance that they don't even notice that they're on the train to nowhere?!

I, for one refuse to settle. My prince will come, and so will my place in this world and someday all of this will make perfect sense.

I have no choice but to believe


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Some very intimate thoughts...

Just when I thought I was finally going to bend until I break... I found an outlet which allows me to be more flexible- to be more of myself than I ever thought I could allow.

For years- approximately 8- I have allowed myself to carry guilt. I let it build, and let it build, and let it build some more until today- and I know now that I can't keep doing this to myself. The only way for me to move on from the hurt I've dealt with in this life, is to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made.

I've never been one to deny when I am wrong- maybe initially, but in the end I always try to do right by the people who I have wronged. I know when I have to make amends, and I'm not afraid to ask for forgiveness.

I believe in Jesus, I know he died for my sins. I know that I am forgiven because he died for me. I am forgiven, long before I even consider forgiving myself.

I'm forgiven by others, who have are capable of having grace and mercy to forgive me the hurt, disappointment, or whatever it may be that I have caused them.

What I'm guilty of is being guilty, and never taking the time, the effort, or the energy to forgive myself for what I have done to others and to myself. I still haven't forgiven myself for the things that I am already forgiven for. If I had to ask God for one thing tonight, it would be to wake up tomorrow morning with the strength to forgive myself for the things I have done which I'm not proud of. I'm going to "Give it to God" as people say- because to carry my guilt is not what I deserve, and is counterproductive.

What have I done? I'm only twenty, yet I feel I have so much to be ashamed of. I feel like if I don't admit these things to myself, I could never get over the guilt. At this point, I've acknoledged my mistakes to the point that they consume me, instead of learning from my mistakes I continued to commit them- because I found that it was what people began to expect from me.

When you do the same things, make the same mistakes, you can only expect the same results. So tonight, instead of focusing on my mistakes, I'm going to focus on what I'd like my life to be, as opposed to what it hasn't been in the past.

I'd like to have close ties to my entire family.
I'd like to have friends who I can turn to. Who understand me. Who love me for who I am.
I'd like to be myself, just myself, and have people love me for who I am.
I'd like to not live a double life.
I'd like to be as independent as I feel.
I'd like to quit smoking. For good. To never want a cigarette ever again.
I'd like to be healthy. For the right reasons.
I'd like to be a positive person, who is a go-getter, all of the time.
I'd like to be more lenient with myself, to live by my own rules.
I'd like to be an individual without being a loner.
I'd like to be free for a past which has scarred me.
I'd like to be pure.
I'd like to be proud of my religion, without having to feel embarrassed or corny for believing in what I believe.
I'd like to have an open heart, and be kind to everyone- regardless of whether or not they are deserving of the kindness I have to offer.
I'd like to be a better friend, a better daughter, sister, worker, whatever it is.
I'd like to dig my feet into other things that have always interested me.
I'd like to be optimistic, cautious, and rational.
I'd like to finally see the glass half-full.

And so I leave you with that. What is it that you feel guilty of? How do you get away from it?