Monday, December 7, 2009

In Transit: An Insomniac in the Making

Good morning, fellow bloggers. From where I am writing, it is 3:32am...Approximately 3 hours and 32 minutes later than the time at which I had hoped to fall asleep. My alarm clock is set for 8am tomorrow----there is NO avoiding that. I will have to rise and shine to join to world, sleep deprived or not.

So tonight, in an effort to drain myself significantly, I will inform you of my non-boyfriend. Please do not mistake my using this as an opportunity to "drain myself" as a metaphor for the non-relationship...That's not what I mean. Though, its past 3am at this point, who even KNOWS what I might mean!?

I met one of my very good guy friends a few years ago, for the first time at one of my beauty pageants. I couldn't have been older than 19 at most, which means he was 20. At the time, I was dating my ex (who I believe turned out to be gay-more on that later) and he was dating my ex best friend (who now lives with the gay ex in California). Did I lose you yet? Ok, good. So, in June 2007, I broke up with my gay ex (who I didn't know was gay at the time???) and stopped being friends with the girl, because well she basically chose the wrong side of the coin. She started spending all her time with my ex, even though she was still dating my friend, and sooner rather than later they also broke up.

Once everyone was done breaking hearts, it seemed naturally spiteful that the two of us exes would also band together and retaliate against their blatant display of disrespect towards us. But what started out as a stupid immature crusade for an equally blatant display of disrespect towards our exes, developed into one of the most mature, forgiving, and accepting friendships I could have ever hoped for.

I have seen this boy in his worst moments (ex: puking up bile, heart broken by his many exes) as much as he's seen just how two-dimensional I am (ex: side one-exhausted slob, side two-beauty queen). I can honestly say that he is one of the few people who knows me best. For the last nearly 3 years, we have built on our friendship...Not always a constant in each other's lives, but still always there for one another. Last year, when my father was away, it was him who helped me get to class (on his lunch break), or who would check in with me. When his ex broke up with him last year on Valentine's day, I was the one who I substituted for her that night, and we enjoyed an amazing night together.

I think I knew it then, but I was too petrified to act. What would people think? What if I ruined our friendship? Or worse and even more humiliating- what if he didn't feel the same? Nearly a year later now, have things progressed from friend-zone to the this-is-so-not-what-friends-do zone.

In a way, we've always belonged to each other. I have vowed many of times to hurt anyone who ever hurts him. Now I would rather hurt myself than ever see him hurting. I had proof of this the other night when we had the "what are we" conversation for the second time. My only gripe with my man is that he will not commit given the circumstances. He's scared (understandably so) because of my relocating for college. He's also been nothing but supportive about the entire situation and wants nothing but my happiness. I know he doesn't want me to go, and if I didn't know I would resent myself and him in the long run for not going, I'd put it off too.

But I could see it in his eyes the other night when we were talking about what we would do, in the near future, given that our feelings for each other are clearly not temporary...It hurt me to watch him hurt like that. It hurts me that he doesn't believe in this the way that I do, or that he's too bent out of shape to even try. Every time his heart was broken, I was there to pick up the pieces. I understand that it's a scary transition to make. But calling me your girlfriend, isn't going to make it hurt any more when I leave...The pain will be the same, no matter what it is he chooses to call me. In fact, I would think it would hurt even more, if he chose not to label this, and I was free to walk away from him at any given time- no explanation required. I would never, but technically, I could.

So what does one do, what does one do?

I'm hanging on with all I've got.

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