Saturday, September 19, 2009

Concrete Jungle Where Dreams are Made of

"But I never share my thoughts,
This is all a ni**a knows.
And every time I try, it opens up my eyes.
These verses are a chance to be remembered and reprised.
And I would be performing just as long as Im alive.
So every word I utter will be mine."

I'm in a 'New York state of mind'. I can't wait to leave this place...

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a hip hop, R&B, and pop music junkie. If it's on top 20 or listed as an up and coming hip hop song, I've probably heard of it. It's so weird to be a little white girl, who grew up in the suburbs, but who can relate so well to the music. I guess that's the idea of being any kind of recording artist- to reach an audience. The idea of being a stellar recording artist is to reach people that you would deem untouchable.

Anyway. The quote I posted above is from Drake's song titled "Fear". Drake is actually one of the actors from Degrassi who's turning out to be pretty successful. Lots of support from Lil' Wayne, which I can't imagine hurt him. But I love the song...That's what I'm trying to get to. I love the song because even though it's sad that money DOES change everything, I can't wait to get to a place in my life where I feel like I've made it.

Working 55 hour work weeks, getting paid late and not enough, and being exhausted all the time does not make me feel like I've made it. I'm so tired of my life feeling like a struggle. At times like these, I have a moment of clarity and I understand why my mom is so crazy and so hell-bent on her kids succeeding. I can't imagine the burden my parents feel, knowing that so many of their dreams (including the ones they had for me and Roxane) have failed.

I can't wait to make it. I can't wait to bail out my family, to do the right thing and to move forward with my life. I know it's going to be a long, hard road. But anything is better than what I am currently living. It's like I'm in limbo...I hate my job but I can't afford to leave. FIT is making me re-apply for their Spring semester. I have no idea what I'm going to do for work in NY or even where I'm going to live. The only thing I do know is that I'm going to make it happen.

I've got to make it happen.

Friday, September 18, 2009

For Entertainment Purposes (don't laugh, the makeover games are fun!)

Because everyone needs a non-alcoholic Friday afternoon pick me up!

Awkward, Party of Two.

Now would probably be a good time to explain that Blake doesn't date. The closest I've come to being on a date in the last year or so was being stuck in a very awkward "BFTA" (boyfriend tag along) situation where I felt like the 3rd wheel on my friend's date. I do awkward well, it works for me.

But no amount of tag-along dating (which is not really dating at all) could have prepared me for monday night.

You might remember that I started online dating a little over a month ago. At first, I loved it for my ego. A bunch of emails telling me how pretty I am and how badly you'd like to meet me/converse with me! Nice! Except the whole idea of online dating is you have to meet the ones you enjoy talking to eventually.

I didn't even think Mr. Boring was even that interesting on the phone. He wasn't terrible to talk to though, and I thought he was cute...So I gave it a shot. We met downtown for some sushi. First, he (somewhat)insulted me:"You're tall. You look like you should be more petite." Uhhh say what?! My profile specifically says that I am 5'7"! I could have, just as easily spat back "Well your profile didn't tell me that you're actually only 5'11, or about your nasty case of acne." But I bit my tongue. "Be a lady, Blake. Be a lady." Is what I kept telling myself.

He then complained that we couldn't get drinks there. When I told him there was a liquor store next door, he didn't want wine or Sake. Fine. When the bill came *AWKWARD ALERT* he let it sit there for a good while. I was the first one to touch it. I picked it up, looked at the bill $31.24 to be exact, and set it down, prepared for anything that came next. He then proceeded to take the bill, stick his card in it, and pay it. What the hay?! What was he thinking?! Why would you ever let a girl see the bill in the first place, if you intend to pay it??

After that he suggested we go for drinks...Not wanting to wander far from the downtown area where my dad works and could give him a good a$swhoopin at any given time, I suggested a place down the road. A vodka club, and patron shot later, conversation was still mediocre. Now ladies, I'm not naive enough to believe that you can bring a guy to a bar on a Monday night without him sneaking a look at the football scores. But would it have killed him to be discreet?! At least he didnt blink when this bill came.

Mr. Boring then had a stroke of genius. It's 8:30pm on a Monday night. We've already eaten dinner and gotten drinks. But noooo, Mr. Boring must be a night owl because he decided to drag me further into town for something else. I wanted so badly to go home so this tool could be done with. But instead we settled for watching Final Destination 3. I walked up to the desk, with him behind me and asked for two tickets to the movie, fully expecting him to step up and pay for it. Did he, you think? NO. This idiot not only had me pay for my own ticket, but for his too! On a first date?! What is this world coming to???

At this point, Mr. Boring was practically salivating at the mouth, and I'm so pissed off I think I have steam coming from the ears. Add to that the fact that I felt totally uncomfortable with his gawking! I could see it out the sides of my 3D glasses!!! Of course, he tried to kiss me when I got out of the car that night (EW!) and after I denied him, he kept trying to call me/text me/ facebook me.

How much do you think Mr.Boring would be willing to spend a clue? Maybe the $13 I had to pay for his movie ticket? Don't get me wrong. I'm not a gold-digger, and I pride myself on my independence. But I can appreciate being treated like a lady, especially on a first date. Not only did he fail to pay, and act so boring and awkward that it was cringe-worthy. But he also neglected to open doors for me, or do anything that would be courteous or gentleman-like, which he had described himself as.

Ah well, another one bites the dust.
Who's next?!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Drained x Infinity

Hello World,
Just checking in to let you know how exhausted I am. There aren't many people who know this about me... But I have a heart the size of Texas (maybe even bigger still) and I can't ever say "no" to anyone. Over time, this is starting to become a huge inconvenience to me...

I can't say no to work because it's money
I can't say no to family because I feel indebted to them
I can't say no to my friends because I feel horrible when people say no to me
I can't say no to most men because I personally hate rejection
I can't say no to things I know I don't want to do, even when I know it would be in my best interest.

It all just builds and it all just wears on you. Year after year of people coming to you with their problems, their heartache, their guilt...Barely gives you any time to deal with your own issues. When your problems finally confront you...You're too mentally spent to deal with them.

I'm too tired to even blog. I'm too tired/afraid to get the gears going on this topic because I can already feel the stress building in my shoulders as I'm typing it.

Another futile attemp at a cry for help.

Friday, September 11, 2009

September 11th, 2001

Sorry, came out slightly more graphic than I intended it to, but this is the day as I remember it.

Should've been a normal day.
I should've gone to school, come home,
And had my regular cheerleading practice
But instead, September 11th, 2001.
Changed all of our lives, forever.
Even when I'm 92 and nearly senile
I don't think I'll ever forget
The images I saw that day
Thirteen years old
Too young to comprehend
Just how much evil there truly is in this world
Too young to understand
Why no one could explain what was going on
Too innocent to fathom
Three thousand, and some only a few miles away from home.
Never coming home.
Sister was away at school...
Panick in our hearts and in our minds.
No cell phone towers were working
Even Aunt Lola was worried
But selfishly, I have to admit
I was old enough to understand
That our lives would never be the same
I came home from school that day
I had no idea what was going on
For all I knew, the local mall had been bombed.
Mom and dad, crying on the couch.
Dad recovering from a cyst removal on his back
Lucky, for once, to have been out of work that fall
And specifically, that particular morning
Watching CNN
The timeline of the day
The first tower is burning
9:03 am
The second tower.
Flames, people running, hysteria...
Hysteria over a city that I love
People I know...
Their sisters, their brothers, their fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins & more...
Today, 8 years later
The tears still fall as I write
My tears fall for the fallen
For the daughters who never met their fathers
For the turn this country has taken since
For the fallen who have defended and
Those who continue to defend our freedom
Today the pain, the fear, in my heart
Still hurts the same.
But the pride, swells more and more every day
I'd like for anyone to tell me
I'm not an American.
I was there, I pledged my allegiance, I love MY country
I love it's fallen soldiers, marines, and all those who defend us
I honor those who continue to defend us
And tomorrow we will continue to rise as a unified country
To rise against injustice
To rise against this economy
To rise against a government
And a war, which is failing us
To rise against a world where
People would rather terrify us
Than to let us live in peace
Today we mourn, we cry, we feel for those
Victims, families, and our defenders of freedom
Tomorrow, we will rise and be renewed
This is the United States
We are Americans
United, we stand
Divided, we fall.

God Bless.


Monday, September 7, 2009

"I just want to forget it ever happened..."

Let me start off this entry by saying a few things: 1. This is not for the weak hearted 2. My sister is a much stronger woman than I am and 3. It is because of things like the experience I had this weekend and largely because of my sisters courage that I am able to come forward.

Everything about this weekend is pointing to "all signs go". I spent the weekend at my friends dorm at Hofstra in Long Island, NY. Hofstra is a beautiful, expensive, and reputable university. My best girlfriend goes to that school, do I try to get up there a few times per semester.

I met her new roomates/friends Alice and Susannah and we all hit it off immediately . We walked to a nearby bar, had a few drinks, hung out with some kids they knew. Alice and Sue decided they were going back to one of the frat houses to smoke, but Blair and I stayed behind.

When we got back to the dorm, we got a phone call from a hysterical Alice claiming that her panties were soaked in blood, which she showed us later when she arrived back at the dorm. There was no diubt in my mind that foul play had
occured. Alice told us that multiple guys had (a seperate times in the night) forced their hands into her privates. One of those guys, was Sue's crush, who Sue also hooked up with last night. Turns out the frat house they went to is infamous for their inability to respect women. They drug them, humiliate them, and sexually abuse them. Hofstra has actually forced them off campus because of their hazing.

Alice refused multiple offers for medical attention. Susannah did not return to the dorm until 11am, after 35 frantic missed phone calls from us. She was fine, and now Alice changed her story- she no longer claims she was assaulted, instead she claims she doesn't remember.

My heart broke for Alice this morning. She hyperventilated and sobbed into my chest and I prayed that she would choose to press charges. See, I was once in Alice's shoes, and like her I did nothing.

It was January 2008. My ex and I were on the cusp of breaking up, and I went to a hotel party in manhattan for my friends birthday. I was only 19...My best friend at the time thought it would be a good idea to introduce me to her boyfriends cousin to take my mind off the loser I was dating.

The boy she introduced me to was not my type- short, rude, and pushy. It didn't stop me from feeling bad when he had to sleep in a chair that night. I told him he could share my bed as long as he understood he could not touch me under any circumstance.

When it came time to go to sleep, I was tempted to go back to my seperate room but I was scared because I was drunk and underage. I didn't wanna get caught and get myself in trouble. If only I knew then what I know now...

I woke up to his hands all over me. I told him to stop and he did, only to tell me that my ex was a loser who didn't deserve me. I begged him to stop and let me sleep. He kept touching me throughout the night as I drunkenly slipped in and out of sleep. I remember praying that my ex would show up, and even when I begged him to... He never did.

When I woke up for the final time that night, finally coherent I was able to tell him that I was going in the shower and he had to be gone when I came back. He didn't understand and insisted that "I wanted it." He eventually left, but came back later that day to walk us back to the ferry. I pretended (much like Alice this morning) that everything was ok. I even hugged the molester before walking away from him.

Unlike my sister, I never got help. I never told my best friend, who invited him there. I never told her boyfriend, who's cousin it was. I never told my ex, because I knew that he would blame me. I knew he would tell me I was a whore and I asked for it. I knew that I would believe him if he said it.

My sexual assault experience turned my life around. My ex and I broke up not too long after... Sex after that relationship filled me with guilt and other negative emotions and feelings. My distrust in me grew immensely. In October of 2009 I decided I would become celibate or from a Christian point of view- a "born again virgin."

Today I am a better person for having overcome this horrible experience. I wish I had sought help to avoid feeling the shame and the guilt which followed. But I cannot change what happened to me.
All I can hope is to send this story into the world, and reach someone who needs to read it.

All I can pray for tonight is for Alice to have peace in her heart and peace in her mind- no matter how she chooses to respond to this.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

A Little Lesson in Karma

This is a very short story, but a good one. Because I am in a tough immigration situation, I don't drive. I've never driven outside of a parking lot, never had a car, etc. I rely mostly on my friends and family and sometimes *gasp* the absolutely dreadful New Jersey Transit.

Now sometimes, I'll get lucky and I'm alone on the bus home. That situation is ideal. I make friends with the bus driver, I get home quickly and safely. Yesterday was not like that at all.

I work in a part of town which is mostly inhabited by illegal immigrants-most of them Hispanic. (disclaimer: no part of this story is intended to be racist). They always stare when I get on the bus, probably becauseI'm usually the only white person or "gringa" taking public transit. Needless to say, it freaks me out a little bit. So when I got on yesterday and saw a slightly elderly woman sitting towards the front of the bus, I kindly asked her if she would move her bags to which the old bag retorted "There's plenty of open seats on the bus." Oh no she didnt!!! First of all, you old piece of poop, there is NOT plenty of space on this bus. It's a hot Saturday afternoon, everyone is trying to just get home! But I kept my cool- Jersey Gina did not make an appearance. Instead I told her in my best sarcastic tone that I thought she was a truly wonderful person, and to have a nice day. Luckily a nicer young woman who was sitting behind her offered me the seat next to her. Wouldn't you know it...Not even one minute later, the dirtiest looking dude on the bus walks up to the older woman, motions to the open seat and sits down! I'm talking this guy must've been working in the hot sun all day, he was covered in soot (or was it dirt) and sweat! KARMA KARMA KARMA people it is so so so real! I had a terrible day, and seeing it work like that just turned my day around.

Do you have any karma stories to share???


Thursday, September 3, 2009

Happy SITS Day to You!

"Happy SITS day to you, Happy SITS day to you, Happy SITS day dear Roxane, Happy SITS day to you!"

Here's to another 6 (or more) months of happy blogging about your crazy life, sissy. Maybe you weren't so wrong to want to get into journalism in the first place! I love you very much, and have no doubt you're going to take this internet world by storm!

To those of you who don't already follow my lovely (blood-related, genuine) fiery redhead of a sister at "It really is all about me", I don't know what you're waiting for! She is the featured Blogger on SITS today, and as you can tell I am so proud/excited for her! AND you can also follow her on TWITTER!

Remind me to show you guys my new rainboots later! All I can say is "rawr"