Saturday, May 23, 2009


After a horrible day at work and life I arrived home to find an enormous envelope from FIT, manhattan :)

I've been accepted to their bachelors program for advertising and communications!!!

Rejoice! God is good, I could cry I'm so happy and grateful and proud.



Do you ever feel as though you are tethering on the edge of what is real and what is not? Perception is reality, I believe---to a certain extent. Is the way you perceive yourself truly the true version which you project to the outside world, or just something you feel on the inside?

If perception truly is reality, and we do project to the outside world what we feel within...I'm fucked.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Also brought to my attention

Sure enough there is no rest for the weary--- I can't sleep once again. Plagued by anxiety I am blogging to you good people via iPhone. Nothing good can come from a lack of sleep, I assure thee.

Today. I was engulfed in one of my tanning industry mags and getting quite annoyed when my coworker kept interrupting my reading. When I told her this (basically telling her to shut her yap) she looked at me puzzled and said ""I don't understand, I thought you were going to school for fashion..."

She was right. And I was (for once) speechless. I tried to rationalize why I invest so much of myself into a business where my boss pays me the same $9/hr that she pays my new hires who do a fraction of what I do. I couldn't. All I could come up with was that some day I hoped to be a jack of all trades and I was trying to get my experiences worth, I suppose.

The scary part is she's totally right- I can't do it all at once. I can't have it all at the same time. I SHOULD spend more time with my nose buried in WWD rather than island sun times magazine. I SHOULDNT already have a pronounced frown line (yes, I do and I'll take a picture to prove it.) and I certainly shouldn't be considering Botox at the tender age of 20.

Yes, I'm responsible. Yes, I'm great at what I do. So what, big deal. I picked up a salon that my boss no longer cares for. I make the rules, she makes the money. It won't always be that way and though I secretly resent her I know because of her bad example, I'll be a better business owner someday.

But what about my other dreams? What about wanting to write for magazines, wanting to travel, to learn languages, to rub elbows with the pretty, rich, famous, and fabulous? What about dreams of having my own lines of evening wear, dreams of having a family, dreams that are so much bigger than being a tanning salon owner. Dream which appeal so much more to me! How do you prioritize? How are you ever supposed to be certain? How do some people just know? And more importantly... What if one life time just isn't enough?

Max Lucado, an author who I truly appreciate from a Christian POV wrote: "In a desire to be great, one might stop being any good." I know myself well enough to say that I'm the overachiever he's referring to- I'm the person who tries too hard and does more harm than good.

At this rate the only thing I can pray for is Gods unfailing guidance.

Just me

Why are the hard things we must do usually the same as the right thing whch we should do? Why is it that things fall under the carefurt of "too good to be true"? So many questions- an endless amount which plague my mind late at night... Most of which I do not have answers for.

Tonights question? Why is it that being a strong woman feels so strenous?

When a strong person lifts a small or medium weight, it is not difficult. Ask an Olympic swimmer to swim a lap- she won't think twice, nor will she struggle. Sure, all of that strenght is earned- these people train, fight, and have their fair share of blood, sweat, and tears spilled over their dreams. My question is, how do they get to the point where these extraordinary things they do, are no longer a struggle but a way of life?

You see, I struggle with being a strong-minded individual. I am always stuck in the middle of who I've been (in the past) and who I am.

The old me was quiet, contemplative, thoughtful, maybe even what you would call a welcome mat. People treated me as though I was nothing for years until one day, I decided I would become someone.

And someone I became. Someone who is "in the know", always busy, and blunt. Someone who knows what they're saying- means what she says and says what she means. Some people might go so far as to say I'm a "bitch".


I didn't know having opinions and voicing them qualified me for the title of being a bitch. The truth is, though I spend majority of my time reminding myself as well as others, that I don't care what people think about me- I care a whole lot. Maslows hierarchy of needs- isn't acceptance there somewhere?

Yes, I care if you think I'm a bitch. Of course I care if you think I'm too intimidating to be friends with, or to date. Of course I'm embarassed when I talk too loud, drink too much, or say the wrong thing, to the wrong person, at the wrong time. Yes, I care about what you think of my hair, my clothes, my GPA, my work ethic, and even my blog.

That's the part of me which yearns to be weak. My strong side says: "Who needs them? Those people treated you like crap your entire life! Why should you seek their approval?! You're making something of yourself and these people will be trapped here forever! They're just jealous."

My weaker side argues: "I might need them some day. They treated me like crap because I allowed them to. I need their approval now like I always have. What if I'm trapped here forever, what if I FAIL? Then I would need them and they'd have nothing to envy of my life."

So where do you draw the line. When do you continue being strong to save yourself (or save your pride)? When do you stop seeking approval? When does the day come when you can sleep at night and that's all that matters?

When do I finally get to be just -me-?

Monday, May 18, 2009

A glimpse inside my mind

It is so hard to believe that I once was a girl who didn't really care what people thought of me. She's fighting so hard to come out right now. In case you never understood the name of my blog maybe you can try to understand it better now. I feel like there are so many complex dimensions to me...but not even 100% of me wants to believe that I am complex- a part of me wants so badly to believe that I am capable of being so simple, so down-to-earth that no one could ever really misunderstand me. More on this when I'm not at work...

Sunday, May 17, 2009


Clearly people don't like me. I have two options:

-Change. People say don't ever change who you are. I don't know who I really am (be honest, who does?) but I know I'm not a mean-spirited person. I know I have a heart and yes, even though a lot of the times their opinions of me are not worthy, I care what people think of me. Maybe people would like me better if I was a little more open, if I was a little nicer. Maybe somethings wouldn't change. I feel like when I try to be nice people call me fake or phony. Then the situation becomes a lose-lose. Which leads me to retract to my second option:

-Stay the same. This is me on the defensive: I should be true to myself, keep acting the way I HAVE acted. People who are worth my time will get to know me. The ones who matter will make me feel comfortable enough to show my true self. I'm using the walls I build and my exterior attitude as my filter because I've been screwed over so many times in my life. On the flip side- if you don't like the way your life is spanning out and you don't change anything you're in no position to complain.

There is no in-between. Fight or flight?

I'm the Karen

So I'm M.I.A which I'm convincing myself is a good thing. I'm 20 years old and I need to be out having a life. If I sat home every night and blogged- as Dane Cook would say- Nice to meet you, I'm a red flag.

Unfortunately, I'm not having a lot of luck with my social life lately. Actually, it's sucking a lot. Improving, but still sort of in the toilet. For one thing, I'm incredibly awkward ESPECIALLY around guys. I have a knack for meeting all the wrong people, at the wrong time, and saying the wrong thing. WHY?!

Let's analyze: I know I have a dry, sarcastic (read:bitchy) sense of humor- I know it can be threatening. I know I'm loud, outspoken, and unabashed. I know that (aside from this) I seem to be pretty sure of who I am. I know I have a big heart, but I'm damn good at keeping it guarded. I know people who dont know me, just dont "get" me. I know I seem mean, but I swear I'm not.

I feel like I want to fall off the face of the earth. I feel like everyone I know loves to hate me, with the exception of my friends. I dont understand why, and I'm not going to lie- straight up- it hurts my feelings. I hate that people love to hate me- being that person is a terrible thing.

Another referrence for the Dane Cook fans- I feel like "the Karen"


Friday, May 15, 2009


... So much easier than blogging. Plus you get to see my real identity- unveiled!!! Tweet me @NJLaur.

You now know the first four letters of my first name :)

Enjoy and follow me on twitter!!!