Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Just me

Why are the hard things we must do usually the same as the right thing whch we should do? Why is it that things fall under the carefurt of "too good to be true"? So many questions- an endless amount which plague my mind late at night... Most of which I do not have answers for.

Tonights question? Why is it that being a strong woman feels so strenous?

When a strong person lifts a small or medium weight, it is not difficult. Ask an Olympic swimmer to swim a lap- she won't think twice, nor will she struggle. Sure, all of that strenght is earned- these people train, fight, and have their fair share of blood, sweat, and tears spilled over their dreams. My question is, how do they get to the point where these extraordinary things they do, are no longer a struggle but a way of life?

You see, I struggle with being a strong-minded individual. I am always stuck in the middle of who I've been (in the past) and who I am.

The old me was quiet, contemplative, thoughtful, maybe even what you would call a welcome mat. People treated me as though I was nothing for years until one day, I decided I would become someone.

And someone I became. Someone who is "in the know", always busy, and blunt. Someone who knows what they're saying- means what she says and says what she means. Some people might go so far as to say I'm a "bitch".


I didn't know having opinions and voicing them qualified me for the title of being a bitch. The truth is, though I spend majority of my time reminding myself as well as others, that I don't care what people think about me- I care a whole lot. Maslows hierarchy of needs- isn't acceptance there somewhere?

Yes, I care if you think I'm a bitch. Of course I care if you think I'm too intimidating to be friends with, or to date. Of course I'm embarassed when I talk too loud, drink too much, or say the wrong thing, to the wrong person, at the wrong time. Yes, I care about what you think of my hair, my clothes, my GPA, my work ethic, and even my blog.

That's the part of me which yearns to be weak. My strong side says: "Who needs them? Those people treated you like crap your entire life! Why should you seek their approval?! You're making something of yourself and these people will be trapped here forever! They're just jealous."

My weaker side argues: "I might need them some day. They treated me like crap because I allowed them to. I need their approval now like I always have. What if I'm trapped here forever, what if I FAIL? Then I would need them and they'd have nothing to envy of my life."

So where do you draw the line. When do you continue being strong to save yourself (or save your pride)? When do you stop seeking approval? When does the day come when you can sleep at night and that's all that matters?

When do I finally get to be just -me-?

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