Monday, April 27, 2009

Heart of gold

The more I am filtering my interactions with people, the more I find myself being compassionate.
By nature I am just like my mother- judgemental, compassionate, over-bearing, annoying, and loving. I have a temper like my fathers but I also inherited his stubborness and his ginormous heart.
Here's the catch: learning to allow people in your heart who truly belong there.
I have been hurt so many times by allowing the wrong people into my heart and into my life; giving myself too wholly and too quickly to people who in the end were ungrateful and undeserving.
So I'm learning- which is the good news. I've let go of so many people who don't deserve me and made room to accept those who do. And what do you know?! I keep meeting people who I actually want to spend time with and be around. Intelligent, challenging, bright, beautiful people who make life easier and more enjoyable. People who I don't groan at my phone when I see their number come up on the caller ID.
The most amazing part is this: for years I rejected this part of myself, declaring that I was sick and tired of being treated as a doormat. I hid behind the mask of a mean girl and put up walls, saying that those who really loved me would be willing to break those walls down.
Now I know, now I understand. People who put walls up do it out of fear, pure fear. Love cannot exist or thrive in fear- it can only fail. Those who take advantage of me, hurt me, disrespect me will be dealt two hands- my own and more importantly Gods. They will lose me, and they will dissapoint God, who knows how much I struggle with this heart of mine.

How free it feels to just be me. I won't allow my past misteps and mistakes to define the person I am today. Yes, I am human and I have made mistakes. I will continue and I will learn- but my accomplishments so far outweigh the mistakes and I can't forget that anymore.

With that said: Im backkk


Sunday, April 26, 2009

New York, NY

I'm currently at a trade show for the beauty industry and I won't lie---I'm bored!!! I can only go into the esthetics show, not the hair show. So I'm jammin listening to Kanye and taking in the view from Jacob Javits- appreciating the fact that I'm in NY at all- even if I am with the boss lady. She's not so bad sometimes. We talked this morning about me going say to school and I almost got a little choked up. The truth is that sometimes as much as I resent my job- I can't imagine my life without it.

The last three years I have invested so much of myself into that salon. I am everywhere in there and I think when I leave I'll miss certain aspects of it. Especially my staff. For the most part, they were hand picked by boss lady and I... They're my friends and my confidants. How weird is it gonna be when they don't wake
Me up on my days off?!

But then I'm sitting here taking in the view and I know where I want to be. Even if it's not permanent... I need to prove to myself that I can do this. I know independence is going to suit me just fine- I can practically taste it. I just want my chance to make it on my own.


Friday, April 24, 2009

College career update

As you may or may not know, I applied to the advertising and marketing communications program at FIT in Manhattan. Unbeknownst to me, it's actually one of the most competitive programs at the school, especially at the bachelors degree level.

Up until recently I had not received a response from them. I called to check on the status of my application and they told me they were awaiting my TOEFL (English proficiency) scores. Sure, you can laugh... I did too! I emailed their administrator and made it abundantly clear that I did not need to take the test to qualify!!! Unfortunately the Bachelors program is now filled.

HOWEVER! I have a possible advantage-if I don't complete my AAS here, I may be able to transfer my current credits to a degree there and just leave Jersey.

I love my mother, I love my father, and of course you all know I love my sister. I can't imagine life without them and I would miss them terribly. But... I also can't continue to feel trapped in my own skin. I'm going to save all the money I make this summer, maybe even find a second job. I'll arm-wrestle the lovely people of the admissions department at FIT if I have to. But I have NO intent of remaining in NJ any longer past august of this year.

Oh and it doesn't hurt that FIT openly admits undocumented aliens 0:)

Watch me go!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

So I'm sitting in class

And I know, I've been a bad little bloggamama... Neglecting my readers and I don't know what else to say other than SORRY! I'm working like a mad woman and I have as of late, recovered my social life... Somewhat. I've been hitting up the gym, going out, trying to make sense of my life and where it's headed.

I couldn't be any more lost if I tried!!! I'm so frustrated. I have a dead end job, no future school plans, no boyfriend or potential suitors. I also have no car, no liscense, and no papers-complete with (you guessed it!) NO IDEA WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.

I have an idea where I'd like to be... I spent some time at Hofstra last weekend and totally enjoyed being in Long Island with my best friends. I met guys I'd actually be interested in seeing again... Depressingly ironic considering I had to be back in the dirty by Sunday. I love NJ but I find myself wishing I didn't live here... I feel like i'd rather live anywhere but here!

Because I've made so many mistakes, and have earned myself such a reputation- a bitch, someone who might be "easy" or is just flat-out weird and I'm not proud. On the other hand I'm sick of trying to prove myself to others. I'm sick of trying to prove people wrong about me. These small-town boys are easily intimidated by a girl with big-city dreams. I want to be so much more than this and while I know I don't need a guy to support me through my trials and tribulations, it'd be nice not to feel so lobeli sometimes.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

My gripe for the night

I'd like to know why men enjoy being in the company of weak-minded women. Women who are only a fraction of the girl who I once was. Women who have no self-respect, no self-knowledge and absolutely no self-control. Why are men so attracted to women who are so clearly not well matched for them?

Why would a guy want to take his chances in ending up with someone who is weak in so many ways? Don't they realize?! Dating leads to marriage, marriage leads to babies and then your babies will be just as weak minded as your wife!

I also hate that guys these days (from my parts anyway) have ZERO motivation to make something of themselves. Two guys who I've dated in the past have chosen to follow in their parents footsteps and "take over the family business", either choosing not to attend or dropping out of college! Others are willing to work dead end jobs which they hate, as long as they can kick back and enjoy a cold one later on!

Am I the only one with dreams, hope, ambitions, goals, and faith?! Are these peoples lives so void of guidance that they don't even notice that they're on the train to nowhere?!

I, for one refuse to settle. My prince will come, and so will my place in this world and someday all of this will make perfect sense.

I have no choice but to believe


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Some very intimate thoughts...

Just when I thought I was finally going to bend until I break... I found an outlet which allows me to be more flexible- to be more of myself than I ever thought I could allow.

For years- approximately 8- I have allowed myself to carry guilt. I let it build, and let it build, and let it build some more until today- and I know now that I can't keep doing this to myself. The only way for me to move on from the hurt I've dealt with in this life, is to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made.

I've never been one to deny when I am wrong- maybe initially, but in the end I always try to do right by the people who I have wronged. I know when I have to make amends, and I'm not afraid to ask for forgiveness.

I believe in Jesus, I know he died for my sins. I know that I am forgiven because he died for me. I am forgiven, long before I even consider forgiving myself.

I'm forgiven by others, who have are capable of having grace and mercy to forgive me the hurt, disappointment, or whatever it may be that I have caused them.

What I'm guilty of is being guilty, and never taking the time, the effort, or the energy to forgive myself for what I have done to others and to myself. I still haven't forgiven myself for the things that I am already forgiven for. If I had to ask God for one thing tonight, it would be to wake up tomorrow morning with the strength to forgive myself for the things I have done which I'm not proud of. I'm going to "Give it to God" as people say- because to carry my guilt is not what I deserve, and is counterproductive.

What have I done? I'm only twenty, yet I feel I have so much to be ashamed of. I feel like if I don't admit these things to myself, I could never get over the guilt. At this point, I've acknoledged my mistakes to the point that they consume me, instead of learning from my mistakes I continued to commit them- because I found that it was what people began to expect from me.

When you do the same things, make the same mistakes, you can only expect the same results. So tonight, instead of focusing on my mistakes, I'm going to focus on what I'd like my life to be, as opposed to what it hasn't been in the past.

I'd like to have close ties to my entire family.
I'd like to have friends who I can turn to. Who understand me. Who love me for who I am.
I'd like to be myself, just myself, and have people love me for who I am.
I'd like to not live a double life.
I'd like to be as independent as I feel.
I'd like to quit smoking. For good. To never want a cigarette ever again.
I'd like to be healthy. For the right reasons.
I'd like to be a positive person, who is a go-getter, all of the time.
I'd like to be more lenient with myself, to live by my own rules.
I'd like to be an individual without being a loner.
I'd like to be free for a past which has scarred me.
I'd like to be pure.
I'd like to be proud of my religion, without having to feel embarrassed or corny for believing in what I believe.
I'd like to have an open heart, and be kind to everyone- regardless of whether or not they are deserving of the kindness I have to offer.
I'd like to be a better friend, a better daughter, sister, worker, whatever it is.
I'd like to dig my feet into other things that have always interested me.
I'd like to be optimistic, cautious, and rational.
I'd like to finally see the glass half-full.

And so I leave you with that. What is it that you feel guilty of? How do you get away from it?

Rejoice! Blake is back!

I have to apologize for my lack of following and commenting action in the last few weeks. I don't know what got into me, but I fell off the blogging bandwagon!!!

So I'm back and more in touch than ever with a blogging app on my iPhone that is sure to ruin my eyesight and drain my battery quicker than I ever thought possible.

Here I go blogging on the job again... Not that it matters, because 3 girls have quit in the last week (have I mentioned JUST how frustrating that is) and no matter what I do now--- I'm the saint that has stayed with her through thick and thin.

The state of NJ has updated their tanning laws and want all tanning salons to register with the state by April 20th. This means there's going to be inspections and paperwork and lots of heartburn, sweat, and tears to get this place up to code.

Why? You might ask... Because I work for an absentee owner and a 20 year old immigrant who goes to school full time and works 50 hours a week can only do so much. I'm a good worker (if you discount my tendency to blog on the job) but I'm not a genie. I can't make certain decisions and sadly this business suffers because of it.

*sigh* if only you could fire or overthrow your own boss...

Till later, tell me how your weeks been!