Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Some very intimate thoughts...

Just when I thought I was finally going to bend until I break... I found an outlet which allows me to be more flexible- to be more of myself than I ever thought I could allow.

For years- approximately 8- I have allowed myself to carry guilt. I let it build, and let it build, and let it build some more until today- and I know now that I can't keep doing this to myself. The only way for me to move on from the hurt I've dealt with in this life, is to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made.

I've never been one to deny when I am wrong- maybe initially, but in the end I always try to do right by the people who I have wronged. I know when I have to make amends, and I'm not afraid to ask for forgiveness.

I believe in Jesus, I know he died for my sins. I know that I am forgiven because he died for me. I am forgiven, long before I even consider forgiving myself.

I'm forgiven by others, who have are capable of having grace and mercy to forgive me the hurt, disappointment, or whatever it may be that I have caused them.

What I'm guilty of is being guilty, and never taking the time, the effort, or the energy to forgive myself for what I have done to others and to myself. I still haven't forgiven myself for the things that I am already forgiven for. If I had to ask God for one thing tonight, it would be to wake up tomorrow morning with the strength to forgive myself for the things I have done which I'm not proud of. I'm going to "Give it to God" as people say- because to carry my guilt is not what I deserve, and is counterproductive.

What have I done? I'm only twenty, yet I feel I have so much to be ashamed of. I feel like if I don't admit these things to myself, I could never get over the guilt. At this point, I've acknoledged my mistakes to the point that they consume me, instead of learning from my mistakes I continued to commit them- because I found that it was what people began to expect from me.

When you do the same things, make the same mistakes, you can only expect the same results. So tonight, instead of focusing on my mistakes, I'm going to focus on what I'd like my life to be, as opposed to what it hasn't been in the past.

I'd like to have close ties to my entire family.
I'd like to have friends who I can turn to. Who understand me. Who love me for who I am.
I'd like to be myself, just myself, and have people love me for who I am.
I'd like to not live a double life.
I'd like to be as independent as I feel.
I'd like to quit smoking. For good. To never want a cigarette ever again.
I'd like to be healthy. For the right reasons.
I'd like to be a positive person, who is a go-getter, all of the time.
I'd like to be more lenient with myself, to live by my own rules.
I'd like to be an individual without being a loner.
I'd like to be free for a past which has scarred me.
I'd like to be pure.
I'd like to be proud of my religion, without having to feel embarrassed or corny for believing in what I believe.
I'd like to have an open heart, and be kind to everyone- regardless of whether or not they are deserving of the kindness I have to offer.
I'd like to be a better friend, a better daughter, sister, worker, whatever it is.
I'd like to dig my feet into other things that have always interested me.
I'd like to be optimistic, cautious, and rational.
I'd like to finally see the glass half-full.

And so I leave you with that. What is it that you feel guilty of? How do you get away from it?


  1. those are some good thoughts blake.....So when you no longer lead your double life will you use your real name that I know :P I will take it to my grave I swear~

  2. You've got the same problem I do...You are too hard on yourself.
    I love you!

  3. Your list includes things that I strive to have/or be still to this day. I just to remind myself, and now I'm reminding you - we are all a work in progress.


"Hi, you've reached Blake, I'm not available to blog right now..." Jokes Leave me a comment though, and I will get back to you :)