Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Also brought to my attention

Sure enough there is no rest for the weary--- I can't sleep once again. Plagued by anxiety I am blogging to you good people via iPhone. Nothing good can come from a lack of sleep, I assure thee.

Today. I was engulfed in one of my tanning industry mags and getting quite annoyed when my coworker kept interrupting my reading. When I told her this (basically telling her to shut her yap) she looked at me puzzled and said ""I don't understand, I thought you were going to school for fashion..."

She was right. And I was (for once) speechless. I tried to rationalize why I invest so much of myself into a business where my boss pays me the same $9/hr that she pays my new hires who do a fraction of what I do. I couldn't. All I could come up with was that some day I hoped to be a jack of all trades and I was trying to get my experiences worth, I suppose.

The scary part is she's totally right- I can't do it all at once. I can't have it all at the same time. I SHOULD spend more time with my nose buried in WWD rather than island sun times magazine. I SHOULDNT already have a pronounced frown line (yes, I do and I'll take a picture to prove it.) and I certainly shouldn't be considering Botox at the tender age of 20.

Yes, I'm responsible. Yes, I'm great at what I do. So what, big deal. I picked up a salon that my boss no longer cares for. I make the rules, she makes the money. It won't always be that way and though I secretly resent her I know because of her bad example, I'll be a better business owner someday.

But what about my other dreams? What about wanting to write for magazines, wanting to travel, to learn languages, to rub elbows with the pretty, rich, famous, and fabulous? What about dreams of having my own lines of evening wear, dreams of having a family, dreams that are so much bigger than being a tanning salon owner. Dream which appeal so much more to me! How do you prioritize? How are you ever supposed to be certain? How do some people just know? And more importantly... What if one life time just isn't enough?

Max Lucado, an author who I truly appreciate from a Christian POV wrote: "In a desire to be great, one might stop being any good." I know myself well enough to say that I'm the overachiever he's referring to- I'm the person who tries too hard and does more harm than good.

At this rate the only thing I can pray for is Gods unfailing guidance.

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