Monday, September 7, 2009

"I just want to forget it ever happened..."

Let me start off this entry by saying a few things: 1. This is not for the weak hearted 2. My sister is a much stronger woman than I am and 3. It is because of things like the experience I had this weekend and largely because of my sisters courage that I am able to come forward.

Everything about this weekend is pointing to "all signs go". I spent the weekend at my friends dorm at Hofstra in Long Island, NY. Hofstra is a beautiful, expensive, and reputable university. My best girlfriend goes to that school, do I try to get up there a few times per semester.

I met her new roomates/friends Alice and Susannah and we all hit it off immediately . We walked to a nearby bar, had a few drinks, hung out with some kids they knew. Alice and Sue decided they were going back to one of the frat houses to smoke, but Blair and I stayed behind.

When we got back to the dorm, we got a phone call from a hysterical Alice claiming that her panties were soaked in blood, which she showed us later when she arrived back at the dorm. There was no diubt in my mind that foul play had
occured. Alice told us that multiple guys had (a seperate times in the night) forced their hands into her privates. One of those guys, was Sue's crush, who Sue also hooked up with last night. Turns out the frat house they went to is infamous for their inability to respect women. They drug them, humiliate them, and sexually abuse them. Hofstra has actually forced them off campus because of their hazing.

Alice refused multiple offers for medical attention. Susannah did not return to the dorm until 11am, after 35 frantic missed phone calls from us. She was fine, and now Alice changed her story- she no longer claims she was assaulted, instead she claims she doesn't remember.

My heart broke for Alice this morning. She hyperventilated and sobbed into my chest and I prayed that she would choose to press charges. See, I was once in Alice's shoes, and like her I did nothing.

It was January 2008. My ex and I were on the cusp of breaking up, and I went to a hotel party in manhattan for my friends birthday. I was only 19...My best friend at the time thought it would be a good idea to introduce me to her boyfriends cousin to take my mind off the loser I was dating.

The boy she introduced me to was not my type- short, rude, and pushy. It didn't stop me from feeling bad when he had to sleep in a chair that night. I told him he could share my bed as long as he understood he could not touch me under any circumstance.

When it came time to go to sleep, I was tempted to go back to my seperate room but I was scared because I was drunk and underage. I didn't wanna get caught and get myself in trouble. If only I knew then what I know now...

I woke up to his hands all over me. I told him to stop and he did, only to tell me that my ex was a loser who didn't deserve me. I begged him to stop and let me sleep. He kept touching me throughout the night as I drunkenly slipped in and out of sleep. I remember praying that my ex would show up, and even when I begged him to... He never did.

When I woke up for the final time that night, finally coherent I was able to tell him that I was going in the shower and he had to be gone when I came back. He didn't understand and insisted that "I wanted it." He eventually left, but came back later that day to walk us back to the ferry. I pretended (much like Alice this morning) that everything was ok. I even hugged the molester before walking away from him.

Unlike my sister, I never got help. I never told my best friend, who invited him there. I never told her boyfriend, who's cousin it was. I never told my ex, because I knew that he would blame me. I knew he would tell me I was a whore and I asked for it. I knew that I would believe him if he said it.

My sexual assault experience turned my life around. My ex and I broke up not too long after... Sex after that relationship filled me with guilt and other negative emotions and feelings. My distrust in me grew immensely. In October of 2009 I decided I would become celibate or from a Christian point of view- a "born again virgin."

Today I am a better person for having overcome this horrible experience. I wish I had sought help to avoid feeling the shame and the guilt which followed. But I cannot change what happened to me.
All I can hope is to send this story into the world, and reach someone who needs to read it.

All I can pray for tonight is for Alice to have peace in her heart and peace in her mind- no matter how she chooses to respond to this.

1 comment:

  1. What a terrible thing you have had to experience! It appears that God is using your terrible experience for a good cause with your friend Alice though. Hopefully you can convince her to not be ashamed and to take control of this situation and go to the authorities. These men need to be punished and held accountable for their actions. The university should also be held accountable. Activity such as this is unacceptable.


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